Like the Luke Bryant song says, rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes Papa Steve feel a little frisky. The Viagra he's mainlining might also have something to do with it. They don't call it big farma for nothing.
Now, by my math, Steve is only around 50, so it's not like he's Hugh Hefner banging 21-year-olds. Nevertheless, when all four of your sons, who are no angels themselves, are appalled by your horniness, it might be time for some self-reflection.
But who has time for personal stocktaking when there's another car wash to build? As the McBees' $20 mil soybean crops are about to be lost to a drought, this is the perfect time to dump another couple mil on a new car wash. Excuse me, coffee and car wash. Steve can't control whether it rains on his parched fields, but he can always make it rain at the car wash.
Win the Battle, Lose the Whore
One rain Steve's not looking forward to is Galyna's reign of fire. She is still pissed about her car and confronts Steve about her Escalade's missing front bumper. The body shop told her the car was dropped off by a black-haired woman with tattoos. Galyna asks Steve if his “whore” is worth all this trouble. It's unclear if she's talking about Brooke or herself. Maybe both?
Galyna is under the mistaken impression that Steve only slept with Brooke two or three times. Steve apparently told Galyna Brooke was an old flame from a year ago. Finally catching onto his lie, Galyna asks Steve if he and Brooke are together. He responds that he's not together with anybody. As Galyna presses further, Steve reminds her that she can remove herself from this situation anytime.
I mean, he's not wrong. It's hard to feel sorry for Galyna when she did this to herself. The only victim here is that innocent Escalade. It did nothing to anyone, but it does have terrible gas mileage. Maybe Brooke is an eco-warrior, not just a crazed slut.
Bumper Crap
When Galyna speaks to Steven Jr., he confirms the car is beyond repair. Say it ain't so! All the king's coffee and all the king's car washes couldn't put this wreck together again. Galyna may be Russian, but she's spent enough time in small-town America to speak white trash. She tells Steven she's going to tow the SUV and dump it on that “fucking bitch's” front lawn. Steven suggests she dump his dad there too.
I feel like Brooke is more the type who has old wrecked cars in her backyard, but the front yard works too. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Brooke lives in an actual junkyard. That's likely where Steve met her when he dropped off the wreck his last hook-up crashed. Let's not act like this is his first time.
Steven sure isn't acting that way. He remarks that he's gone from playing mediator between his father and mother to now assuming the same role with his dad and Galyna. Brooke is just the latest whore-of-the-month.
Sadly, no one explained this to Brooke. Amid all of Steve's lies, she still thinks she's Steve's girlfriend. She meets up with her friend Amanda to discuss her predicament. In their matching black tanks tops, Brooke tells Brooke that Steve has told Galyna a million times he doesn't want to be with her. Amanda points out that just because that's Steve's story, it doesn't mean it's true.
Amanda is officially a genius compared to all the other women on this show. Are you telling me that a man who's living with a woman and employing her and paying for her home and car isn't a helpless victim being held hostage?? Are you really saying that a multimillionaire who flirts with other women in front of you and cheated on his ex-wife might not be a stand-up guy looking for a faithful long-term relationship?? Amanda, you brilliant sleuth!
Brooke hilariously ends the conversation by declaring that it's either “me or her”. At least she gets the grammar right. When Galyna issues Steve the same threat, it's either “her or I”. English isn't Galyna's first language so she gets a pass. It is Steve and Steven's first language, so they get no pass for agreeing that Galyna is an “intricate” part of the business. She is complicated, but the word is 'integral'.
Either way, Galyna later asks Steve if he wants her to put in her resignation. With the hedge fund capitalization still looming, Steve screams that Galyna gets one ultimatum and now she's used it up. At least until the next one.
This begs the question of why Galyna is so integral to this financing deal. Can no one else in McBee Farms work a copy machine? Is Galyna sleeping with the hedge fund manager? Can Steven-first-in-his-MBA-class-Jr. not put together a Powerpoint presentation? It's really not that intricate. And that's not how you pronounce “in the shit”.
I-Dirty Five Speedway
Proving once again how inept at business the McBees are without Galyna, Steven decides to sponsor two race cars at the local dirt track, I-35 Speedway. He tells us it's great branding, except there are 30 people in the stands and they all hate the McBees.
All five of the McBoys get heckled as soon as they show up in the stands. In fear for their lives, they retreat to the track suite for safety. Being that this track is nothing more than a plowed field with temporary bleachers, the VIP suite is just the manager's plywood office. Their race cars come in 6th and 7th in a five-car field, and Steven congratulates himself for ensuring yet another revenue stream for the farm.
I'm starting to think Steven thinks revenue streams are meant to flow out, not in. Did his online Mexican business school not teach him the goal of a company is to make money, not give it away?
The worst part is that one of the car logos Steve pays for is Apex Protein Snacks, yet another of his side projects. It's short for Ape Pecks, Steven's nickname. I bet they taste like burned cash and Calah's botox. Can someone please cut off Steven's company credit card before he starts his own bra line?
Back at the track, Since Brooke isn't driving in the dirt race, there are no big crashes. The only highlight of the night is that we get a Brayden sighting. He has risen! From bed, that is. In a disturbing twist, we get to see his girlfriend Aly side-by-side with Jesse's girlfriend Alli, and there is no way these two aren't sisters.
This means there is some fundamentalist cult in Gallatin that names all their daughters the same name. Is that even legal? On that TLC show about the family with 19 children, all the kids' names start with 'J', but they aren't all named Jesus, FFS! What the hell is going on in rural Missouri??
Raining Pussycats and Horndogs
I'll tell you what's not going on in rural Missouri: rain. It's been three weeks with no precipitation, which is just called October in LA. With the McBees' soybean and corn crops starving for moisture, all the boys are losing sleep over the fate of their growing season. Those car washes aren't going to pay for themselves – you know, like a real business would.
The farm has 26,000 acres of soybeans planted, and 4,500 acres of corn. If there's no rain soon, they apparently scrap that entire cycle and resow. As Cole and farmhand Jake go out to survey the land, they literally count beans.
Ha. Who knew that expression was a real thing, and why do accountants get all the glory? Sure, Cole can barely count to ten without using his fingers, but he is the real bean counting hero, not Steven and his spreadsheets. Make bean counters great again!
To everyone's relief, a nice big thunderstorm does eventually come and save the crops. As the boys run for shelter to keep their makeup from running, Cole describes farming as a mental game. He says his father's talent for handling bad situations has made him the success he is today, although it'd be better if he didn't create most of those bad situations himself.
Jesse and Cole both agree they would like to see their father put the business first again, and that means breaking up with Galyna. They know she wants to get remarried, and that's not in the cards for Steve. Jesse even jokes about creating a dating profile for Galyna on Bumble, but Cole explains that Hinge is more apt for the mature dater. Has Cole been tapping the cougars?
I think it's a great idea. Galyna's bio should read, “Looking for a wealthy man to pay my bills. Must love borscht and not mind that I don't own a hairbrush”. Come on, Cole, I dare you.
Brooking Up is Hard to Do
Ultimately, Galyna's ultimatum sticks, so she has no need for a dating profile at the moment. Check back next week please. She wins this round when Brooke breaks up with Steve, although it's clear Steve let Brooke know it was the only option.
As Steve and Brooke meet up in a random park – Steve's not paying for lunch if he's not getting laid - Brooke is incredibly gracious. She tells Steve they can't see each other anymore and apologizes for causing this blow-up and its ripple effects. Props for taking some ownership, but the fact that we never heard the details of the accident is suspicious. Exactly how drunk was Brooke and how many pedestrians did she mow down?
Critical facts aside, Brooke expresses regret for jeopardizing Steve's business. She says she knows Galyna needs time to heal. Dude. This sentiment is not coming out of nowhere. Steve obviously told Brooke that Galyna was threatening to destroy his entire company, convincing Brooke that he's being blackmailed by the evil lady living in his house.
It's absolute garbage. While Galyna may have some leverage, Steve grossly exaggerates his commercial risk to guilt Brooke into ending things. What a coward. Rather than be honest and say he's choosing Galyna, Steve hides behind his brand. If Galyna leaves, who's going to show us how to use the fax machine? Galyna is the only one who knows the wifi password. I have no choice!
As a parting gift, Brooke gives Steve a friendship bracelet with a tracking device. She gives all her patrons one, kind of like how Derek Jeter gave all his hook-ups gift baskets. Steve also got a $20 gift card to Olive Garden and a pack of beef jerky. Brooke's not risking a bad review on Yelp. Customer service matters.
Fooltimatum
Next, after lying to one girlfriend, Steve heads out to a club to lie to his other girlfriend. Steve confirms to Galyna that he cut things off with Brooke, even though it was Brooke who technically pulled the trigger. That's good enough for Galyna. 10 minutes later, Steve is flirting with some new women at the bar and planning a wild trip to Nashville without Galyna.
If this is any indication of Galyna's negotiating skills, why would you even want her as your point person on a $100 mil contract? If this is the best bargain she could get out of Steve, what is she going to squeeze out of savvy New York hedge fund managers?
If the financial deal is anything like her arrangement with Steve, the fund will get a majority of the board seats, 99% ownership, three of Steve's houses, his first grandchild, and free car washes for life. In return, the McBees will get some magic beans and a signed portrait of Dustin Lynch. Does Steve know about Quickbooks? It can't be any worse than the bean counters he's got.