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This week the mystery deepens as to why everyone thinks fairly average-looking Jesse is a young Paul Newman. This time it's his girlfriend Alli telling us everyone always says he's the second coming of Michelangelo's David. Maybe it's because he's smarter than all the other McBoys? Intelligence is sexy, that's for sure.
Why don't we settle this once and for all. Let's rank the McBoys.
Steven – He's short, and he's so bulked up he looks chubby, but he has the prettiest face. When he smiles, he's a dead ringer for Scott Porter – crippled QB Jason Street from Friday Night Lights. Add in maturity and congeniality, and he is Mr. McBee 2024.
Cole – Always the runner-up. Cole's nothing special, but he's blonde, so he gets bonus points. He has a big-boy haircut and doesn't feel the need to wear his cowboy hat at all times. Lack of style is a high-T trait. Growing your hair out and flexing your muscles in front of the mirror every morning are not.
Jesse - As far as looks, he's just a guy, and the hair and tucked-in tees aren't helping. He's not unattractive, but I'm deducting points for all the hype. He beats the guys in every other category, just not looks.
Brayden – He's as attractive as Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster, two other elusive beings that may or may not exist. There was a quick sighting of Brayden this episode, but it might have been just a shadow. Until he can prove he's real, he’s disqualified.
Beauty contest aside, all the McBoys are dealing with relationship drama this episode... of their own making. It once again highlights the irony that the real problem in Gallatin is not that there aren't any girls, but that there aren't enough men.
Being that Kansas City is only an hour away, why do all the women on this show put up with these non-committing cheaters? Are there no eligible bachelors in Missouri's second largest city? Are they putting estrogen in the water supply? Did a pied piper lure all the boys out of town? Where are the men? They're at the car wash, obviously. Mystery solved.
Honky-Panky
Before we can get down to business, it's time to hit Billy Bob's Texas – the world's largest honky tonk. It's the most honky and the most tonk you've ever seen in your life. The guys are all there for Dustin Lynch's birthday concert, and they bring him a bunch of McBee Ranch hats as a gift.
Steven always seems to have a box of hats wherever he goes, and I've yet to see any McBoy wearing a shirt without the McBee insignia emblazoned on it. This must be their nod to Yellowstone. Instead of actually branding the ranch's logo on their chest, they just push their branding non-stop. We get it. You want us to order hats. The farm must really be in trouble if this is Steven's big plan for a new revenue stream.
Cole's got his own troubles. The MILF from last night is back. He resisted her charms once, but can he do it two nights in a row? The girl definitely knows how to pump Cole up, because she asks him if he knows how to drive a tractor? “Do I know how to drive a tractor?!” It'd be like asking Steven if he's ever been to a car wash. The girl clearly found Cole's Instagram page. I bet his feed is basically a John Deere sexy fireman calendar.
First thing's first, let's two-step. Cole gets handsy on the dance floor and sticks his tonk down the girl's throat. She offers to yank his honky back in the hotel, but Cole, to his own surprise, goes home alone. Being the gentleman that he is, he bails on the mom when she's in the bathroom. Happy Mother’s Day! It's not so much an Irish goodbye as a Bailing Irish Cream.
Cole reminds the camera that he and Kacie aren't official, but he's officially a cheater. He makes no mention of his indiscretions when he sees Kacie back in Gallatin, and she doesn't really ask. I guess “don't ask, don't tell” is their official policy.
What Happens in Vagueness Stay in Vagueness
It still makes no sense why someone as pretty as Kacie is waiting on Cole. Maybe she's hoping he evolves into a Jesse one day. Jesse has been with his girl Alli for ten years, and he is now building her a brand new house. Whatever their past issues, Jesse now seems fully committed. While he won't yet propose, Alli appears to have played the long game and won, or she's at least got a fourth-and-goal.
Jesse tells his dad he's hesitating on marriage because he wants to get it right. He explains that his parents' marriage really soured him on the institution. There was a lot of screaming, throwing stuff, and toxic situations. Well yeah, women really hate it when their husbands cheat on them. I doubt those arguments were over putting the toilet seat down.
Thankfully, Pops Steve encourages Jesse to settle down with Alli. He describes her as a diamond in the rough. He goes further and urges everyone to have children, because you can't know how much you can love someone until you do. Amen. While Steve may not lead by example, he is sensible enough to know what's good and what's right.
Calah Fornication
It's why he keeps pushing Steven to dump his lab-grown diamond Calah. I don't get this relationship at all. Steven comes across as relatively level-headed. Calah comes across as a drunk hooker. Where is the upside? If Steven is merely looking for a status symbol, there are plenty of naturally pretty girls out there, even in KC. You don't have to settle for this mangled blow-up doll. You can buy another girl a boob job if that's the sticking point.
Whether Calah is Steven's beard or he just needs a stand-in girlfriend for the show, nothing about this makes sense. For now, he's still trying to convince himself Calah and his father can make amends. He blames his “venting” for Pops' dislike of Calah. So now we're pretending she didn't OD on meth the first time she met Pops??
Okay. There's still the issue of Steven telling everyone that he can't drink when he's out with Cal because he has to babysit her. Plus she won't let him take phone calls after 5pm. She sounds like a joy. Calah also won't let Steven drink cow's milk or ride his bicycle without a helmet. And he is definitely not allowed to have the password to his own bank account. Rules are rules! Too bad there are no single women in Kansas City, the place where Steven actually lives and the McBees have their car wash headquarters.
Bred and Butter
The more this series unfolds, the more it becomes apparent this is a car wash empire, not a thriving ranch. It's starting to feel like a hobby farm at best. In this vein, Steven and the boys bring back their newest pets – three longhorns. They're black and white and bred all over, and they're supposed to fetch a pretty penny once the trio turns into a herd.
Everyone agrees this is the way to grow the farm so that all four sons can live there happily ever after, and their children and grandchildren too. Pops quotes an old saying that goes, “the first generation earns it, the second generation maintains it, and the third generation loses it”. It should go, “the first generation earns it, the second generation loses half of it in the divorce, the third wife trades it for a condo in Miami”.
Does Steven really think Calah's going to be moving to Gallatin? While she's visiting him this week, she comes out for dinner in a tube top one inch shy of a wardrobe malfunction and a full face of makeup. Steven informs her they're staying in town this evening, so no need to dress up. She mockingly asks if he wants her to dress like someone in Gallatin. Oh, you mean like someone who isn't a high-end escort? Gee, I wonder why all the locals hate the McBees.
There is no prenup in the world airtight enough for this girl. If you want the farm - and the car washes - in your family 100 years from now, you don't marry trash bags like Calah.
Carma Wash
You also don't screw your Russian mail-order CFO. Pops continues to flirt with disaster, and that disaster's name is Brooke. While he asserts that he is completely honest with Galyna about their situationship, Cole confirms that Pops is sneaking around to see Brooke. Cole adds that it's 2023, so Pops can “be a whore if he wants to”. Inspirational. Is that the new “Make America Great Again”? Hello blackpill.
Pops' two-timing is even more precarious considering how involved Galyna is in financing the McBees' car wash expansion plans. We get a little primer on the industry this episode, and it turns out the car wash business is being taken over by venture capitalists and private equity. So you're telling me that not only is BlackRock buying up all our homes, they're also monopolizing our car washes?? Hello blackpill.
Galyna's proposed $105 mil capitalization plan will consolidate the multiple loans the McBees currently have spread between 10 different banks, as well as shore up the investment they need to build dozens more car washes. That means every brother gets a car wash in his backyard, and all of Steve's side chicks too. You get a car wash, you get a car wash, everyone gets a car wash!!
After that, it's pet grooming. All the hedge funds are buying up dog washes, and Steven's got a new business plan ready to go. Look out Warren Buffett, here come the McBees!
For now, there's only one new car wash opening in Independence, MO. By the way, don't forget it's a coffee n' car wash. There's a coin-operated coffee machine near the men's room that's really going to push this thing over the top. To celebrate their new vending machine, Steven decides to arrive at the grand opening in a helicopter. He couldn't come by car because Calah won't let him drive on the weekend.
Pops and Steven give speeches, and Jesse and Cole note that it's typical of Steven to take all the credit even though he's only been at the car wash five times. It seems Steven gets his vanity from his father, because we get a quick shot of someone named James McBee, Steve Sr.'s secret brother. He seems to be helming this car wash as much as anyone, but is completely sidelined from the show. Like father like son.
Fender Foe
Someone who refuses to fade into the background is Galyna. As much as Steven insists on keeping things casual, she is dead set on going steady. Galyna is Miss Piggy to Steve's Kermit. She's not taking 'no' for an answer. This means she coaxes Steve into going on a very awkward date in, you guessed it, Kansas City.
Whether Galyna told Steve they were having a business meeting, or Steve was forced into the scene by production, he is downright surly on this date. He goes out of his way to ignore Galyna. She, on the other hand, seems to have popped some Ecstacy before the date, because she is in full flirt mode. Steve responds by calling Cole, playing Wordle on his phone, and taking a nap.
Even Kermit never rejected Miss Piggy this bad. Outside of the office, does Steve not want anything to do with Galyna other than sex? This dinner sure makes it look that way. It's downright humiliating, and you have to wonder why Galyna puts up with it. If I was Pops, I'd read the fine print in that VC proposal. Galyna may have just staged a coup. It's the only rationale for why she'd abide a man who sneers at her the way Steve does.
Just in case Galyna still doesn't get the hint, an odd series of events finally drives the truth home, literally. When Brooke's car breaks down, she calls Steve to lend her a replacement. Since all his cars have been stolen or are at the car wash, the only one he has to offer Brooke is Galyna's Escalade. Naturally. The Cadillac is at the body shop to fix a small scratch but won't be worked on for another three weeks, so what's the harm?
Brooke accepts Galyna's car but obviously wants to send a message. Instead of leaving her bra in the front seat like a normal reality TV star, she wrecks the $80k car and sends it back to the body shop for Galyna to discover her front fender missing.
So many questions? Does Galyna not own her car? What about her home? Is that Steve's too? Is the body shop really backed up that long? If so, why not keep the car at home until there's an opening? Was that really the only car Steve had available? Final question: is Brooke a psychopath? That last one's rhetorical.
None of this sequence feels real, but it is entertaining. I, for one, would be okay with more scenes explaining how car washes work, but maybe that's not for everybody. The only catch is that if you're going full Yellowstone, the season better end with a shooting spree and/or explosion. Anything less will be wash, a car wash.