Now we're talking. After an over-produced pilot, Episode 2 of The McBee Dynasty delivers on some real cowboy drama. Like any good reality TV show, the key is to get everyone hammered. It's standard industry practice. Either Cole's alcohol tolerance is the lowest, or his intake is the highest, because his performance this week rivals any drunk chick crying in the back of a limo on The Bachelor.
In the end, all Cole gets is an overnight date with brother Jesse, who is starting to look like the only adult in the room. Are we sure he's not adopted? Like any good Bachelor contestant, Jesse knows the key is to not act desperate. He may very well be a shadow contender for Steve's final rose. Don't worry, Steven Jr. As runner up, that means you get to be the next Bachelorette.
Most importantly, we learn this episode that Papa McBee goes by Steve, while Junior goes by Steven. That won't be confusing at all. Now how do we tell the Allys apart? And Cole's ungirlfriend is called Kacie, while half the episode is spent in KC. Now I'm wondering if when Steven said they're buying longhorns, he meant they're starting a football team. TBD.
Tats and Ass
Steve (Sr.) is definitely on the offense in his love life. It turns out that he's not only stringing along Galyna, but her daughter too. 21-year-old Erena is back from college for the summer and appears to be moving in to Steve's house with her mother. At this point, would you be surprised if Steve is sleeping with Erena too?
Galyna describes Erena as the ultimate human and a future president. Have you seen The Americans? This sounds like a Manchurian candidate scenario. Despite her mother's boasting, Erena seems like a normal girl. If she becomes president of anything, it will be McBee Farms. Galyna's got it all planned out. Is Erena Cousin Greg?
The only obstacle to Erena's ascension to the throne is not any of the McBoys, but rather a walking tramp stamp named Brooke. You know when people warn you that your tattoo isn’t going to look so hot when you're 50? Well, Steve's “paramour” Brooke is the video evidence.
An ex-biker chick or Motley Crue groupie, Brooke is Steve's standing Tinder date in Kansas City. He tells us they are very sexually compatible. Yeah, if you pay for it, they usually are. It looks like Steve got the season package, because Brooke is starting to think this is a real relationship.
Brooke knows of Galyna, and Steve lets her think Galyna “hears what she wants to hear”. Meanwhile, he calls Erena a member of the family and is playing house with Galyna 6.84 nights a week. Not to mention, we find out this week Galyna is a part owner of the farm. The cherry on top is that Steve and Galyna own matching pugs. Gee, I wonder why Galyna thinks she's the queen McBee.
Since Galyna is presently arranging the $105 mil deal the farm needs to survive, Steven (Jr.) decides to do some recon on the carnie who might bring the whole thing down. This means a night out with Dad and Brooke at a bar. Since Papa Steve is too distracted by all the young co-eds, Steven takes Brooke for a spin on the dance floor. He reveals that he took secret dance lessons for 8 weeks to learn how to two-step.
8 weeks?? He could have simply watched a free video on Youtube. Unless Steven was hooking up with the instructor, this is yet another reason he shouldn't be running a lemonade stand, let alone a billion dollar ranch.
After Brooke and Steven cha-cha, they chat-chat about how Brooke's feeling. She asks Steven if she should walk away and hilariously tells him she's no side chick. Aw, honey, side chick would be a promotion. The night ends with Brooke complaining Pops won't fuck her and Steven making an emergency call to his therapist.
Love Is a Bottle Field
The night was not a total waste for Steven. It serves as an excellent preview of his future if he sticks with current gal pal Cal. After winning her on Joe Millionaire, they are taking things slow. A major sticking point is Steven's need for Pops' approval. Steven knows his father thinks he's better off without Calah.
We get Pops' reasoning when he explains that the first time he made Calah's acquaintance, she ended up black-out drunk and was dragged out by security. Wow.
I mean, who doesn't get absolutely tanked when meeting their significant other's parents? Everyone knows the best way to win over your future in-laws is by dancing on a table, flashing them the goods, and puking on their shoes. That's what Meghan Markle did the first time she met the Queen. Totally normal.
Calah's Girls Gone Wild first impression notwithstanding, Steven is still optimistic. He says since Pops has only ever met drunk Calah - so it wasn't just once – he doesn't know the real her. In an effort to introduce his dad to sober Calah, they meet up for a horse ride. Calah is likely only California sober, but close enough. She doesn't fall off her horse or try to make out with it, so that's a win.
The worst part is that we get a little geography update this episode and it turns out the McBees live all of an hour outside Kansas City. WTF. Last week, Steven was bemoaning that there were no women within driving distance. Now, it turns out he has a condo in KC and is there all the time to manage the family's multiple car washes.
So when he said he had to import a mail order bride, that was a a stretch. I'm pretty sure they have girls in KC, and not just washed up old Wiccans like Brooke. Listen to your father, Steven. Dump Calah.
Brother Cole has his own love woes with longtime girlfriend Kacie. They've been on and off for five years. He is only 23, but that's not an excuse to cheat every time you leave the house. Kacie is putting up with his “immaturity” for now, but if she's hoping he turns a corner, it's not looking good. With Pops McBee as his role model, there's no guarantee Cole ever commits. There's patience and then there's masochism.
Kacie is a really pretty girl. She's what Calah spends a lot of money trying to look like but keeps coming up short. All that dye, botox, filler, and “sculpting”, and Calah still looks like a drag queen version of Kacie. If there are no boys in this town, Kacie should move for better options. If women can relocate for their careers, why not to find a husband?
Or, and hear me out, she makes a swap with Calah. Cole and Calah become Colah, a drunk mess not looking for anything serious. Steven and Kacie merge to form Stacie, a grown-up with a real face and real relationship. Problem solved.
Terra Farma
While Cole is coming up short personally, he deserves credit for stepping up professionally. If he's not drinking the night away, he's working it away. We see him plowing a field until dawn to get it done in time for planting. And he still shows up for work the next morning.
Cole complains that he's the one sleeping on his tractor, but no one takes him seriously because of what he did growing up. He’s tired of Steven getting all the credit. Marcia Marcia Marcia! Cole's past is a constant theme this episode, and it has to be pretty wild to shock this group. This is more than boozing and carousing.
Is it a coincidence that last week it was mentioned the McBees' troubles in the community began when Cole went to school? How many people exactly did Cole kill, and what did Pops have to do to keep him out of prison? Cole is still allowed to cross state lines, so whatever Pops did, it worked. It means Cole can join the gang for a trip to Texas to pick up some longhorns.
Mess with the Red Bull, Get the Longhorns
This is Steven's latest get-rich-quick gambit for the farm. Gotta pay off those car washes somehow. Steven explains that he's hoping to launch a longhorn breeding program as a new revenue stream. He's got a bunch of other great ideas lined up next. There's the soy beer, a cryptocurrency called McBeetcoin, and a line of belt buckles for tots called McBabees. If all else fails, just produce your own reality show. Wait a second!
For now, it's longhorns. This means hitching up the trailer for an 8-hour ride to Ft. Worth, and no girls allowed. Apparently that leaves youngest brother Brayden out since his balls haven't dropped. No girls means no girls, except Calah. She lives in the Dallas area, so Steven scores her an invite. No way she's passing up some extra camera time.
While in Texas, the gang makes a detour to the rodeo. Things are going well enough until Cole finds out they have bottle service. He orders some vodka and Red Bull, and the rest is history. Steven clearly has a talent for TV production, because he goads Cole into bragging about how much better he could run the farm than his dad.
Within earshot of Pops, Cole asserts it would be 50% better in a year, 100% in two. He's low on specifics, and the guys have some fun asking a very drunk Cole about farm insurance, financials, and chemical procurement. His comeback is that he once entered numbers in a computer. There you have it, a regular Elon Musk.
Pops isn't having it, and comes over to put Cole in his place. Pops may actually be drunker than Cole, because he starts crowing about making payroll and digging ditches since he was 12. He lets Cole know he's got years before he earns the grit necessary to run anything, and Cole pipes down. He isn't about to challenge his father, at least not to his face. Once Pops goes back to his seat, Cole screams that his dad only cares about Galyna and always singles him out. Yeah, nothing says grit like whining self-pity.
For all his failings, Cole is lucky to have a father like Steve Sr. He'd probably be in jail if it wasn't for him. Steve's a strong figure whom his sons respect and fear. Cole will turn out just fine in the end because he has as tough a father as he does, even if he never makes a model husband. Fathers matter, even imperfect ones.
No Use Crying Over Spilled MILF
As the guys are leaving, Steven and Jesse laugh about the scene Cole just made. Steven says he and Jesse are the only ones who can handle their liquor. Jesse adds that he's not sure even Pops can half the time. Why is Jesse so sane and how did he end up in this family? Did the boys' mom drink in all her other pregnancies?
After the rodeo, it's time to hit a bar. Cole's got his bait and switch system all set up. He tells us that since Jesse is the good-looking one, women will naturally gravitate toward him. Then, since Jesse is quiet, Cole swoops in and turns on the charm. Also there's the minor detail that Jesse isn't looking to cheat on his girlfriend, at least not this week.
The funniest part of this is the consensus among the guys that Jesse is some male supermodel. Maybe they find him so attractive because he kind of looks like a girl? The long hair and tucked in t-shirt are not helping.
Either way, it doesn't matter, because a couple of thirsty moms come up to Cole to ask him where the women's bathroom is. They might as well have asked him if he has extra tampons. So obvious. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the camera crew filming them.
The girls are in town for a Dustin Lynch concert, and Cole wastes no time name-dropping how Dustin is a personal friend. Huh? Did the McBees hire Dustin Lynch to play the opening of their car wash? That's enough to impress these MILFS, and Cole spends the night draped all over the blonde one. They even two-step, but no word if Cole took secret lessons like Steven.
As closing hour nears, Cole is ready to make a move. Jesse won't let him. Jesse tells Cole the only person he's sleeping with tonight is him. He all but drags Cole away from the girl, and reminds him that this will feel good in the morning. Cole isn't sure, but he's too drunk to argue.
I'm not sure this counts as chivalry if he has to be physically deterred from cheating. Cole might as well have gone home with the girl, because this is just as bad. The intent was there, even if he didn't commit the crime. As long as he drinks, Cole will always have an excuse to misbehave. But I was drunk! I don't even remember it!
Yeah, no thanks. Move on, Kacie. You're hot enough to bag a Dallas Cowboy, so why settle for this soybean cowboy instead?
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