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Thanks to TMZ's special about Kate Middleton, we had to wait an extra week to get answers to the big cliffhanger. And the answer is.... she has cancer. Great job, FOX! Good thing you preempted a wholesome dating show to dunk on a young mother facing a life-threatening disease. Proud of you!
The other cliffhanger was whether the new girls would get invited back to the farm, and indeed, all four of them do. Hmm. They're all quality candidates, but when all the guys act in unison, I can't help but think they had no choice. Even if it is an arranged gimmick, the ploy still reveals which of the original girls are adults, and which are spoiled brats.
Megan, as usual, takes the crown. Brooke brings up the rear, and it’s not even close. Ty's done raising children, so this should be the last episode for Brooke and her dirty diaper. It takes a lot to make Ty look good, but Brooke's door-slamming tantrum does the trick. What's next, Mitch looking smart? Just kidding. Let's not get crazy now.
Brandon
The Right Tuber Arms
On the flip side, Brandon's stock is rapidly falling, and he doesn't even own any livestock. After playing footsy with newbie Emerson, he invites her back to the farm. As they pull up in his driveway, they go in for a full make-out session before meeting the other girls. Really??
They definitely have chemistry, but it's a bit much. This wasn't a quick kiss. It was a prolonged tongue-fest right in front of the windshield cam. What would have happened if the camera wasn't there? Did Brandon just get out of prison? We know he hasn't had a girlfriend since high school. I guess prison “girlfriends” don't count.
After having her mic on mute for a month, Grace gets to speak again this week. She is very understanding of the situation and only wants the best for Brandon. To Grace and Joy's credit, they welcome Emerson warmly and make her feel at home. What I wouldn't give for Reba to still have been around when Emerson arrived. That is if Reba didn't burn the house down first. I miss you, Reba. Gone too soon.
Fear of Kissing Out
Then it's off to South Carolina, again, for a camping trip. Someone's tourism board shelled out big bucks. On site, the guys have their mandatory pre-mixer meeting. Brandon asks his now standard question, anyone been kissin'? How long before he's selling t-shirts? They don't call him Branding for nothing.
After the boys' gossip session, it's the girls' turn to give their kissing update. Pushed by JNet, Emerson coos that she doesn't know if she can kiss and tell, which is, in fact, kissing and telling. Are they all under oath? Why can't any of them just lie? Nathan's girl Taylor is not impressed. She happens to be close with Grace and passes along the intel. Good on her.
While it's weird when the girls directly ask each other about kissing, they do deserve to know what's up. This is not idle chatter. It's a good measure of where each girl stands, and what a kiss means. Like inflation, the more there is of something, the less it's worth. At the rate Brandon's going, his kisses are being devalued faster than the Venezuelan bolívar. No bueno.
Grace is surprised by Emerson's revelation and feels threatened. Like many of the girls this episode, she appears to assume she had her farmer locked up before the new girl blew into town. In light of Joy's date, Grace was probably right. Still, a lot of the other girls echo this seemingly misguided confidence.
In order to assess Brandon's true feelings, Grace takes him aside for an impromptu romantic picnic. The producers must have gotten a nice deal on throw blankets, because they are everywhere just when you need them.
As Grace giggles to Brandon that she's actually falling for him, he's ready for a nap. He's laid flat out, exhausted by a long day of girl talk and tent erecting, in his pants! Still, Brandon knows a chance for a kiss when he sees one. He teases Grace and goes in for the smooch. And then a few more.
I don't know. Grace just found out Brandon made out with Emerson five minutes after meeting her. Sure, it's the nature of the process, but the men can exercise discretion. I wish some of these girls would play a little hard to get. Or not even play, just be hard to get. Who's to say Brandon is worthy of your kisses? Then again, Grace has previously mentioned she's never had a long-term relationship. She might see nothing wrong with this.
In the end, Brandon concludes it was a good day because there were no forest fires, in his pants! Don't jinx it. Reba might be lurking in the bushes with a flamethrower. We will find out next week if she is, barring TMZ having a very important special on Bigfoot. Stay tuned.
Nathan
As Far as the Eye Kenzie
Back in Florida, Nathan's girls form a prayer circle asking God to strike down the new girl with lightning. God says no can do. Makenzie is an angel from heaven and no harm will ever befall her. Her father is another story, but we thankfully learn he is stable. Or in a stable. One of the two.
Since she is a familiar face, Makenzie gets the friendliest greeting of all the new girls. Taylor, Kristin, and Allye (remember her?) all run to Makenzie to give her a hug and frisk her for contraband. While they are all genuinely happy to see her, Kristin notes that Nate has so far made no effort to pursue anyone romantically other than Taylor. She wonders if Makenzie will take her place in line.
And Allye? Who knows? She hasn't had a scene since Episode 2. She's the Alice in this Brady Bunch. Taylor is Marcia, Kristin is Jan, and Kenzie is Cindy. Nate's just keeping Allye around to cook and clean, and for her sassy sense of humor. Oh, Allyece, you old kook.
On the camping trip, Nate surprises Kristin with a boat ride. Like his previous date with Rachel, the only highlight is the dock. Nate really loves docks. He gets his cardio in rowing the canoe, and Kristin gets a promise she will be the next 1-on-1 date.
Kristin appreciates the alone time but says she's still getting friend vibes. I guess Nate didn't row hard enough. She notes that she's the kind of girl who shuts down when a man isn't investing enough energy in her. Right on, Kristin. See, this is what being hard to get looks like. CC: Grace and Sydney. You should not want a guy more than he wants you.
Later in the evening, Nate's campfire goes out, and it's way too apt a metaphor. All the cowboys are playing with fire, and they're all going to get burned if they don't start leaning toward one girl. The way Taylor reacted to Emerson's kiss, Nathan better keep the other girls on a low simmer if he wants to avoid a conflagration. Remember Nate, only you can prevent forest fires.
Ty
Girls Gone Riled
It was bound to happen, but Ty finally has an episode where he doesn't look like a schmuck. Miracles do come true! He has Brooke and Melody to thank for that.
When Ty brings home sweet unassuming Ashley, Melody and Brooke suffer a psychotic break. Melody kicks in the front door, slashes Ty's tires, and takes a dump in his favorite cowboy hat, metaphorically. Brooke puts Ashley in a headlock, threatens her family, and gives her a wedgie, figuratively speaking. Megan is lovely and mature as usual, literally.
Assuming this isn't just acting for the cameras, it is really shocking behavior, on two fronts. Firstly, Melody and Brooke are behaving as if they are in a long-term exclusive relationship with Ty, with a ring, a mortgage, and three dogs. He has given them zero indication of this sort of commitment. Secondly, being upset is not an excuse to treat another human being like dirt. Your emotions are never a justification to humiliate an innocent bystander.
Whatever fan fiction Brooke and Melody wrote in their head, their conflation of it with reality is baffling. Even if the girls did have some clandestine love pact with Ty, it would still not excuse the way they treated a stranger. Brooke was especially vile, telling Ashley to her face that she's not welcome. Catty middle school cheerleaders have more social graces. It turns out Brooke is 37 and single for a reason.
Too Many Brookes in the Kitchen
To his credit, Ty is disgusted by Brooke's behavior and appreciative of Megan's kindness. Since Melody stormed out rather than confront Ashley, he is patient with her and reassures her that he wants her to stay, just barely. She agrees to stay on for now.
I would have respected Melody more if she carried through on her threats and left. Her instincts are correct. Enough time has passed for Ty and the other farmers to have a real connection with one girl. If they are all still weighing new options, none of these girls are it. That or these farmers don’t want a wife. Nate gets a pass because Makenzie is grandfathered in.
Either way, the show must go on. Ty takes Ashley aside to flirt at the camp-out and tries very hard not to stare at her boobs. As awful as Brooke was, I was rooting for Ty to kiss Ashley right in front of her. Alas, Ashley didn't want to mess up her lipstick.
That's alright. Ty will corner her next week when he picks her for his date. No way Brooke is getting it now, even if she does pressure Ty when they have a private chat. As Brooke tries to bully Ty into giving her what she considers her birthright, he looks none too pleased.
Ty's ready to send Brooke home right then and there, but he's angling for the Reba option. Ty hopes Brooke will self-immolate when he picks Ashley for his date, saving him the trouble of eliminating her.
If Brooke does force Ty's hand, I could see her being the first contestant who refuses to leave and is dragged off by security. With squatters' rights all the rage, there's no guarantee Brooke doesn't change the locks and claim homestead rights in Ty's living room. Brooke may just be our new Reba, minus the tact, and it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Mitchell
Anti-Ballistic Mitchell
You can pretty much copy and paste most of Ty's recap for Mitchell's girls when he brings Natalie back to the cabin. Kiana throws a fit and walks out, Kait mindlessly follows her, and Sydney stays to put Mitch in his place.
Poor Natalie is overwhelmed. Sydney does at least tell her she's happy to meet her before getting back to tearing Mitch new one. Natalie graciously excuses herself and goes off to read her bible in a corner. Isn't this the plot to Cinderella? Except Mitch is no Prince Charming. He's not even Prince Farming. He's just a guy with a horse.
Mitch has a full-fledged 3-alarm fire on his hands. All three of his girls appear to think he's in love with them. If they're so sure of his affection, why weren't they this jealous of each other? Or did they all see the other two girls as irrelevant placeholders? One by one, Mitch puts out the flames.
Kiana is in tears, so she gets dibs. Mitch swears he hasn't forgotten their first date, assures her of their connection, and that's enough to keep Kiana around. Next up is Kait. It's hard to say if she's actually upset or just doesn't want to be left out of the fun. She tells Mitch she's disappointed in his decision, he says he doesn't have all the words, and that’s enough for Kait. Two down, one to go.
Sydney is less amenable to a quick pat on the head. Mitch finds her nestled in a pile of hay, and I'm concerned this is where she sleeps every night. Does Sydney live in the barn? Maybe Mitch didn't think it appropriate to let his farmhand sleep in the main house.
For Sydney, this is about more than Natalie. We finally get to hear her reasons for being so accommodating as Mitch passed her over time and time again. It seems she was so confident of their mutual feelings, she viewed the other dates as formalities. She remarks that she knows how she feels about Mitch, and he should know how he feels about her.
Partici-patience Trophy
I like this Sydney. Mitch deserves a tongue lashing, and he looks petrified. Sydney's expectations of him are not illogical. On paper, she's perfect. Why isn’t Mitch head-over-heels in love with her? In a normal dating scenario, Sydney's the girl you meet and then call your mom to tell her you found the one.
On the other hand, like Melody, there is no basis for Sydney's sense of betrayal. Unless there is some backroom deal, she is basing her assessment on her and Mitch's shared interests, not shared feelings. Some of this may be naivete – Sydney is only 22 – but just because you both like camo and heavy machinery, it does not mean you are meant to be together. You're marrying a farmer, not a farm. Can Sydney distinguish between the two?
Sydney urges Mitch to figure out what he wants by spending as much time as possible with Natalie. Really?? Why does Sydney keep pushing Mitch to ignore her? There's confidence and then there's hubris.
In spite of it, Sydney's suggestion works in her favor as Mitch has a very uncomfortable sit-down with Natalie between tent building and marshmallow roasting. Natalie evidently used up all her A-material on their first meeting, because she's all out of deer stand ice breakers. Mitch only knows how to dish out smarmy compliments, so he's got nothing as well. It translates into a whole lot of awkward silence and talk about the weather.
For the record, this is on Mitch. Natalie is still adjusting to the cameras, not to mention she has PTSD from meeting the other girls. Why can't Mitch make conversation like a normal adult? Use your words, boy! At first, I thought Mitch was just dumb, but now it's looking clinical. Did he suffer brain damage when he was crushed by that house? It's a miracle he can even dress himself.
Sydney Boss-tralia
As the camp activities get underway, Mitch boasts that he was an eagle scout. I'm going to need to see documentation on that. This is the same guy who convinced the producers he's a farmer because he grows weed in his backyard. Let's see your sash and neck scarf first.
Sydney's not impressed with Mitch's boy scout patches because she just made popcorn on the fire. How many badges is that worth? After a pep talk from JNet, along with a producer inducement no doubt, Sydney decides she's done waiting for Mitch's balls to drop. She takes him aside to demand she be the next date.
Apparently Mitch has been waiting on Sydney to ask him out all this whole time. He tells her he's been dying to take her on a date and wants to plan something special. So not only does Mitch need Sydney to mow his lawn, build his barn, tie his shoes, and cut his food for him, but he also needs her to make the first move?? What exactly is Mitch bringing to this relationship other than a land deed?
Whatever. Let's just hope Sydney realizes she's out of Mitch's league before he has her sign an indentured servitude contract. Sydney needs to dump this boy scout and get herself a grown-ass man. Otherwise, she'll spend the rest of her life trying to light a fire under this child's ass.
Real men don't wait on women to make their decisions for them, but since Mitch isn't a real anything, Sydney can go ahead and make this call for him.