Farmer Wants a Wife Recap: Season 2 Episode 5
Rodeo, Rodeo, Wherefore Art Thou Rodeo
We get our first dance this week, and it's official: last year's farmers were much better dancers. The Season 1 guys looked liked they all had lessons and were ready to compete professionally. This year, the cowboys dance, but they haven't been practicing. Still, not bad for farm boys.
The whole event takes place at Ty's farm where he's holding his annual Ferrell Fall Classic. It's a roping contest/rave, minus the rave. There are snacks though, and FOX even paid for the music rights to real songs.
Most reality TV music consists of Mad Libs set to a synthesizer beat, so credit where credit is due. I was worried all the show's budget had been spent on JNet's wardrobe, but maybe they used some of that money Mitch saved buying half a horse. Thank you, Pepper. You're too good for us.
Ty
Rope v. Suede
Roping must pay well, because we learn this week Ty is the Jay Gatsby of Missouri ranching. He throws lavish parties that are the highlight of the local social calendar. His only near competition is the Bread Throwing Games, the Lawn Mower 500 race, and the very exclusive Ozark Midget Hunt.
The rumor going around – that I'm starting – is that the whole roping competition is rigged. Ty wins every year. I hear they drugged his calf and put superglue on the other riders' gloves.
Anyways, sports scandals aside, Ty's rodeo affair begs the question of why is he not married when he's obviously a popular guy? Despite FWAW billing him as the most remote farmer, he clearly knows and meets a lot of people. If he seriously wanted to be married, he'd already have a girl. It's looking more and more like Ty simply enjoys being the center of attention.
Other than throwing himself a parade, not much happens with Ty. He has a quick sit-down with Megan where she says she's been hurt in the past. He thanks her for sharing and gives her a free Ferrell Fall Classic t-shirt.
Ty is definitely smitten with Megan, but she doesn't hold eye contact long enough for him to kiss her. Smart. Ladies, look away or these guy will plant one on you, whether you like it or not. I'm convinced FOX is paying bonuses for each kiss because the smooch rate's definitely up from last year.
Later on, Ty has a quick chat with Brooke. After confidently telling him to pick another girl for last week's solo date, Brooke is now desperate not to be odd girl out. She demands Ty choose her for the upcoming date. He picks Megan. Ouch.
It's Ty's party and he'll Ty if he wants to. He gets to pick the prom queen. Why any of these girls are still picking him is beyond me. He doesn't want kids and throws lavish bashes in his own honor. Plus, word on the street is – according to me – that he's actually 54 and has deflated balls.
Brandon
Fifty Shades of Grain
Brandon's gaggle of gals is suffering its own shrinkflation. He loses two whole girls this week without even trying. Or… is Brandon playing 4D chess? He gets both Reba and Annellyse to self-eliminate without having to get his hands dirty. Those potatoes just plucked themselves.
After Brooklyn's messy departure last episode, Brandon decides he's not doing that again. Brooklyn cried, challenged his decision, and placed a hex on his family with her witch nails.
The lesson learned is that it's better to have the girls think they're the ones choosing to leave. Time to launch Operation Joy. Reba basically spells out the plan for Brandon. All he has to do is shamelessly flirt with Joy and Reba will self-combust.
It's no accident then that Brandon sits next to Joy during the roping contest. She has her arms locked around him the whole time and even asks for a pony. Maybe it’s a Pavlovian response. Joy always asks for a pony when she sits on a bearded man's lap. Guess Christmas came early this year.
As Reba shoots death stares at Joy, Brandon snuggles even closer. During the dance portion of the evening, he beams at Joy in her denim-on-denim-on-denim ensemble. So now we know what Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake's baby would have looked like.
Over on the sidelines, Reba plots to acid wash Joy's face. She tells anyone who will listen that if Brandon is into that “mannequin”, then he's not the one for her. Better a mannequin than manic. Eventually, Reba's meds cry 'uncle' and she stomps off screaming that she's done.
Brandon comes over to talk her down from a tree, and that's when she tells him she's leaving. She's relatively gracious, saying she doesn't want to steal anyone's soulmate. Perhaps she was hoping Brandon would beg her to stay. He doesn't. All she gets is a marathon hug with a back rub. Does Brandon not know how to hug? You don't have to give the girl a full-body massage.
Reba tells the camera she'd rather go solo than be with a guy who likes Joy. That's such BS. This is the same girl who was crying over Brandon on their first date and planning their entire future together. Reba sabotaged this opportunity because she's terrified of getting rejected. It's definitely not the first time she’s scared away a good man. Regardless, she's no longer Brandon's problem or ours.
One down, one to go. With the banshee gone, Brandon moves to the next phase of his mission: Annellyse. She's nice enough, but she and Brandon have zero in common. After Brandon predictably chooses Joy for the solo date, Annellyse notifies a producer she's out too.
Annellyse is so modest, she was content with an Irish goodbye, no big scene with Brandon needed. The producers know better, so Brandon gets called in for some overtime. He feigns disappointment and gives Annellyse another too-long hug with way too much hand action. Is he tapping out Morse code?
Annellyse shows a lot of grace and joy in her closing remarks. She says she's grateful to have seen the world through Brandon's eyes. What a lovely sentiment. Annellyse seems to genuinely appreciate experiencing farm life up close. Unlike Brooklyn and Reba, she doesn't try to stab Brandon in the neck even once.
And then there were two, or are there? The previews show new girls arriving mid-season to mix things up. I'm just worried it will be Reba in glasses and a wig. If you've seen a horror film, you know the killer is never really dead. He always comes back for the sequel. Until Brandon chops Reba's head off and sets it on fire, she is still out there!
Nate
A Man to Hug Angus
Since Nate appears to be the only farmer with any livestock, his girls get to have some real fun. Their chore for the day is herding beef cows in their golf carts. The girls are in the golf carts, not the cows, for clarification. Surprisingly, no one gets stampeded or run over, but a few cows cart-jack one of the vehicles and go on a crime spree in Tallahassee. It's fine. All charges were dropped. This stuff happens all the time in Florida.
As everyone heads to Ty's for the rope romp, Nate has to face the other guys' kissing inquiries. He's still the only farmer who hasn't kissed a girl, maybe ever. He says he was raised traditionally and is hesitant to kiss any of the girls in front of each other.
Chivalry is not a bad thing in real life, but it is when FOX producers are breathing down your neck. Their surrogate JNet turns the screws on Nate. Whatever she says to him works, because Nate goes on a kissing spree this episode. Did JNet threaten to give him a big-boy haircut if he didn't put on his big-boy kissing pants?
No matter what it was, Taylor is the beneficiary. Nate explains that she's his favorite because they like the same music. So, death metal? They have a brief private conversation where Nate asks Taylor how she envisions a man's role in a relationship. That's a pretty deep question. Nate continues to surprise.
Taylor gives a non-answer but it's enough for a kiss. I'm sure it made no difference that JNet was holding a pair of sharp scissors in the background. Nate adorably asks first if he can “steal a kiss”. It may or may not be Nate's first kiss with a girl he's not related to.
Nate likes this kissing stuff so much, he even gives Taylor another one on the dance floor. Oh, oh. What happened to no PDA's in front of the other girls? Has JNet created a monster? Next thing you know, Nate will be having an orgy in the hot tub.
For now, Taylor's the only one getting any action, and she gets the solo date too. Nate promises her he has something very special planned. Does that mean a Slayer concert after church? Maybe a trip down to Kissimmee for some more kissy-kissy. Nate's got kissing fever now and he's never looking back.
Mitch
Stupid's Arrow
Mitch is something of a kissing expert, just not on a first date. It's the best explanation for why he hasn't kissed any of the girls on his solo outings. You see, Mitch favors the element of surprise. When you least expect it, bam, right in the kisser. First he got Sydney at the tailgate, and now it's Kiana behind the bushes.
Out of all the guys, you get the feeling Mitch has been sneaking some kisses off camera too, but mostly with his new horse Pepper. You'd be kissing Pepper too if she was the only thing growing on your “farm”, other than weeds and/or weed. At least I hope she's growing, because she's very short. Are we sure she's not a mule? Are we sure Mitch isn't an ass?
Pepper may be undersized, but she poops like a stallion, so Mitch holds a competition to see who has to clean up after her. The activity is shooting a hunting bow at a target. Sydney, of course, wins in a landslide. She then splits an apple on top of Mitch's head and downs a marauding band of Indians.
That means all three of the other girls scoop poop as Sydney and Mitch hang out by the fence. It should be a chance for them to flirt a bit, but they spend it joking with the other girls. What is going on with Sydney and Mitch? Other than the kiss last week, there's nothing there. Is this a case of editor misdirection or is Sydney getting friend-zoned?
At Ty's, we never see Mitch with Sydney. He is mostly focused on Kiana, who has raided Joy's closet for a matching patterned bell-bottoms and jacket combo. Very Temu. Mitch takes her aside to reassure her he hasn't forgotten her since their initial date.
Since Mitch has the vocabulary of a Magic 8-Ball, he stammers as he's trying to say something nice to Kiana. He settles on telling her she's a “great girl”. Wow. Way to go deep. Are we sure he even knows her name? As Kiana starts to thank him for the compliment, he dives in for a kamikaze kiss, catching Kiana off guard. Got another one!
That leaves bottle girl Melanie unsure of her position. She feels overlooked by Mitch, but is nervous to confront him. Eventually, the producers force them both to speak, and it turns out Melanie is even less articulate than Mitch. She can barely get any words out. Are these two a perfect match?
Sensing her uncertainty, Mitch shakes himself up a few times and tells Melanie “outlook good” and “ask again later”. Melanie replies “yes definitely” and “cannot predict now”. Since the pattern this season is that ignored girls get the next date, Mitch predictably picks Melanie, bypassing Sydney yet again. “You may rely on it”.
If producers are orchestrating Sydney's humiliation as a way of building romantic suspense, it's backfiring spectacularly. Watching Mitch take Sydney for granted week after week only makes fans seriously dislike him. If anything, Sydney should tell Mitch “my reply is no” when he finally does ask her out.
No one wants to watch a guy play hard to get. Barring Mitch making some off camera promise to Sydney that she's the one, he no longer deserves her, nor Pepper. “Outlook not so good”. Here's hoping Sydney rides Pepper off into the sunset and leaves Mitch with his sad little herb garden and a shovel for all his shit.