Chloe, Chloe, Hallelujah! It's over, it's finally over! First there was D-Day, and now, at last, we have V-Day. Congratulations to those who made it all the way through. You are the real heroes.
This is my last recap of Married at First Sight ever. This season was the nail in the coffin for me, and it wasn't the cast. It was the producers, the experts, the editors, and the mob online. I'm out, and you should be too. So here's one last recap of this failed experiment for good.
1 - Clare and Lauren make espresso martinis
Depresso Martinis
Clare (arriving at Lauren's home): Oh my god, I love your place - almost as much as I genuinely loved Cameron. And I love your powder blue knitted pajamas that accentuate your huge ass and paunch. Is that Temu or Shein?
Lauren: Oh, this is Burlington Coat Factory. Ready to make some espresso martinis? What better way to prove we're not reality TV phonies? So what's new with you?
Clare: I got a new job counseling at-risk youths. I'm going to teach them how to lie their way to the top and cry on cue to get what they want. Plus, I got a new black boyfriend with a huge dick.
Lauren: I met him and I approve. I'm glad you finally realized that all white men are devils with no souls. Wakanda!
Clare: And you? Are you finally over the guy who dumped you after two days?
Lauren: You mean O'Liar? Yeah, I realized at the reunion I was done with him. Good thing I said on the same show that I had been over him for months before. But this time I'm really over him. And don't ask me if I'm dating anyone, because I'm not telling.
Clare: I didn't ask.
Lauren: I'm sooooo happy and loving life. Stop prying in my personal life.
Clare: I really don't care if you’re dating.
Lauren: Why is everyone up in my business?? I guess it's just the price of being a huge celebrity.
Clare: Uh, okay.
2 - Mike gets a tattoo
Angel-Retentive
Tattoo Artist Stoke: So here's the design I made for you. It's a portrait of your first bride crying when she saw what you looked like at the wedding.
Mike: I love it. It really represents how much I love to make women cry, visually, emotionally, and psychologically.
Stoke: So how's the marriage going?
Mike: I dumped her once we had sex. But I learned that women love being mistreated and misled. I just need to clean up my small passive aggressive comments clueing them in to how little I respect them. Other than that, I'm the perfect man.
3 - Chloe meets with friend Cesar
Pity in Pink
Cesar: So how was it seeing the sorority girls of Stigma Fighta Lie at the reunion?
Chloe: I was embarrassed for them. It was like the Jerry Springer Show, but not as classy. Emily accused Brennan of impregnating her best friend, Clare got a sudden case of amnesia and started speaking with a British accent, Lauren tried to punch Cam in the throat, and Becca was a goth nympho.
Cesar: And now you're being accused of stealing their husbands online.
Chloe: Yeah, Emily's been trashing me on her burner account @1nightslut, and Lauren's been sending Mike naked pics of her ass and tits. He was wondering why she was texting him random shots of dead walruses and rotten potatoes until he figured out what they were.
Cesar: But he'd still hit it.
Chloe: Of course.
4 - Orion, Austin, and Mike smoke cigars
Bros but No Cigar
Austin: Hey Orion, I didn't recognize you without your ancestors knotted up in a ratty ponytail. And since when did you start wearing men's clothing, Mike?
Mike: Now that I proved I can get a woman to sleep with me dressed as a trannie hobo, I got a big-boy makeover.
Austin: If you need to borrow some baseball caps, I know a guy. Anyways, Becca won't talk to me, and it really bothers me. I hate losing people who will shave my back for free.
Orion: Yeah, Lauren's cut me off too, but she keeps sending me pictures of dead walruses. I assume it's some sort of racial slur.
Mike: I'm just glad I get to spend more time with you on camera. I missed out on so much filming during the process. Now I finally get to model all my fun outfits. But I was totally in this for marriage and love.
5 – Clare and Emily eat sushi
Sushi and the Banshees
Emily: I'm happy, healing, and healthy. I'm also horny, hangry, and have halitosis. Girl power!
Clare: I'm really proud of how much you've grown. You were a size 6 and now you're a size 10. Congrats!
Emily: Yeah, I'm not dwelling on the past, but Brennan put me through hell and I'll never forgive him. I could totally have a boyfriend if I wanted to. In fact, a homeless guy flashed me on the sidewalk just yesterday. Take that, Brennan!
Clare: Definitely. You're alone because you're a strong and independent woman.
Emily: Yeah, I don't need anyone. And it's totally cool that you spend all your time with your new boyfriend and only hang out with me when we're filming. I'm so happy for you! I'm so motherfucking son of a bitch goddamn happy!!!
6 – Chloe and Mike chat on the phone
Mile-Hi City
Chloe: Hi.
Mike: Hey girl.
Chloe: W'sup?.
Mike: Yo.
Chloe: See ya later.
Mike: Ciao bella.
Chloe: Bye.
Mike: Bye girl.
7 – Mike meets with Lauren and Clare
Flirtinand Matchellan
Mike: Hey Lauren, I brought you a pair of my earrings and a vial of my blood. Thanks for the naked pics.
Lauren: Anytime. I'm a giver. My family keeps asking me why we're not together.
Mike: Yeah, the internet really wants this to happen, but I only date hot girls. That doesn't mean I won't flirt with you and lead you on. Maybe I'll let you suck my dick if you really beg.
Lauren: Hee hee hee. What's your sign?
Mike: Why do you wanna know?
Lauren: Stop asking me if I'm dating anyone. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. The fact that I'm throwing myself at you doesn't mean anything.
Mike: Uh, okay. No disrespect. I just feel like gay recognizes gay. Oh, hey Clare. I didn't see you sitting there.
Clare: I'm standing!
8 – Becca and friend Lindsey
Easy Brider
Becca: Looking back on my marriage, I now see things I could have done differently.
Lindsey: It's not your fault. Austin just couldn't meet you where you were. Like when you mocked his faith, he was too immature to just change his entire belief system on a dime. Or when you wore your Golden Girls lingerie, he couldn't meet you in the Boca Raton senior center in 1994. Or when you told him you hated children, he couldn't meet you at your feminazi sit-in. Or when you wore that lime green bikini, he couldn't make his eyes stop bleeding.
Becca: You're right. I'm perfect and just too good for all the men I've ever met. Status quo it is.
9 – Austin, Mike, and Orion do chanting
An Honorable Tension
Austin: Hey guys, long time no see. We just filmed an hour ago, but since we changed our jackets no one will know.
Sarah the yoga healer: Blah blah blah blah
Mike: So true
Sarah: Yap yap yap yap
Orion: I feel all my tension released
Sarah: Yak yak yak yak
Austin: That's exactly what I was thinking.
10 – Chloe and the guys at the animal sanctuary
Enema Farm
Chloe: Thanks everybody for coming. This is Matteo, a three-legged cow that's turning his life around after prison. This is Austin, a brain-damaged wolf that likes to eat paint. This is Cameron, a very horny kiwi with Munchausen syndrome. This is Brennan, a Russian bear who's allergic to socks. And this is Mike, a retarded ass with rabies.
Cam: Good to see you guys. I'm still contagious from my latest imaginary disease, so don't come too close.
Chloe: It's fine. I love diseased animals. What is everyone up to?
Brennan: Since I refuse to film anymore, I've been traveling with my girlfriend. And by “traveling”, I mean moving every week so Emily doesn't find us and kill us.
Chloe: Emily's been hounding me too. She's got two burner accounts on Facebook, DrunkyMonkey and TequilaTuesday, and she's said the most horrible things about me. Apparently I'm trying to make you all my brother husbands.
Cam: Well, we are great catches.
Chloe: We've been over this, Cam. I don't want to play bike doctor with you. But I love you guys all so much.
Cesar: So Austin, are you gay? Asking for a friend.
Austin: No, I'm not gay, and I'm not a virgin. I just didn't want my mom or Kyla to see me on TV talking about sex.
Mike: Hey Chloe, I wore my sexy overalls just for you. Wanna grab a coffee.
Chloe: Sure. I couldn't bear not to have you in my life as a friend, even though we didn't speak for months between D-Day and the reunion. Plus, I love the extra camera time with all the husbands. It drives the other girls crazy. Rubbing their faces in the fact that I won the season off the bench is my way of showing I care.
11 – Lauren talking to herself
Irate, You rate, We All Rate for Ratings
Lauren: Chloe and I are no longer friends because she became irate when I followed Mike on Instagram and DM'd him 20 times a day. Then I sent him a singing telegram and a Titanic-style drawing of me in the buff. I have no idea why she's so upset. We're just friends.
Lauren: Stop asking me who I'm dating!
Lauren: Excuse me, do I know you?
Lauren: Girl, if you want to know about stars like me, go read your horoscope.
Lauren: Damn, that line's even better than when you practiced it in the mirror 100 times.
Lauren: Snap snap.
12 – Emily and her fake therapist Clare Dr. Eric
A Captive Fraudience
Dr. Eric: Emily, you've done so much work on yourself and come so far. Please regale me with all the ways you've moved on from being rejected on national TV by a guy you're still in love with.
Emily: Well, I've cut off my family and all my friends, so that's healthy. I also post rants on Instagram five times a day. Thank you, Dr. Eric, for making me see that I had low self-esteem. Now I know that I'm super hot and always right about everything.
Dr. Eric: So much progress, but part of personal growth is not needing to say I'm better than everyone. Why are you squinting at me?
Emily: But I am better than everyone else, especially Brennan's new girlfriend who I don't even stalk online with ten burner accounts. Can we talk more about how I have low self-esteem and need to remind everyone that I'm hot and awesome all the time?
Dr. Eric: Time's up. Maybe you should see another therapist, like a fake TV one with huge tits.
Emily: You know I'm too good for you. I could have any therapist I want. I'm a 8.9999 and you're a 2.
Dr. Eric: Do we really need to bring your IQ into this?
13 – Mike and Chloe meet for coffee
For Sweater or for Worse
Chloe: Hoo boy. One more button unbuttoned and I'd think you were coming on to me.
Mike: One more button and you’d see my Spanx.
Chloe: I've seen your Spanx and your package. It was the wrong package under the right dress.
Mike: Since I got put on the sex offender list, I have to give away all my women's clothing. Here's the orange sweater that looked so good on you. It still has my musk so you can smell my scent
Chloe: Thank you for your cum rag. You're so thoughtful. Let's order some espresso martinis.
Mike: Let's. They're perfect for every occasion. You know, the guys give me so much shit for divorcing you. Isn't that hilarious?
Chloe: Yeah, it's so funny you broke my heart. At the end of the day, all the women got rejected, including me. But the other wives cannot handle the world knowing their husbands didn't want them. At least my husband wanted to have sex with me. Lucky me!
Mike: Chloe, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Chloe: Half beautiful, half you.
14 – Wives get tattoos
#MeTattoo
Emily: I'm so excited we're all getting matching tattoos of Brennan's face on our ass.
Clare: Or... how about a tiny line on our wrist whose meaning we can lie about to our boyfriend.
Emily: I guess. Everybody in?
Becca: Actually, I have endometriosis on my wrist, so I can't.
Lauren: Yeah, tattoos are actually a vestige of colonialism where slaves were branded by their owners, so I'm out. Also, I'm never going to talk to you guys again after we're done filming.
Emily: Great. I'm so glad I gave up my family for such great friends. I'm ready to go. I drank three bottles of tequila and a bag of morphine so I'd feel no pain. And to dull the sting from the tattoo needle too.
Tattoo Artist: All done. There's your embarrassing prissy little tattoo of a wave.
Emily: Oh my god, I'm such a badass. Am I the bravest hottest smartest person you've ever “inked”?
Tattoo Artist: In the last five minutes you are.
Emily: I knew it. I'm so glad I did this for myself and no one else. I hate you, Daddy!
15 – Orion and his friend Dominic drive around the block
Dumb and Dominic
Orion: You ordered an Uber?
Dominic: Yes. Why does it smell like lavender in here?
Orion: Oh, that's my manscaping kit. It's the conditioner for my penis braids.
Dominic: Does that mean you're ready to start dating again?
Orion: I thought this was a date.
Dominic: Dude, I just need a ride to the dispensary.
Orion: Oh. Well don't forget to give me five stars.
16 – Austin and his roommate Kyla meet with Chloe and Mike
Bride and Groommate
Mike: As a peace offering, I invited all the other wives to this meet-up, but they were all busy boiling frogs and getting their vaginas bedazzled.
Austin: Such a shame. I so wish I could see Becca's grotesque body again. I guess I'll settle for Kyla, who I'm not in love with at all.
Mike: Did you miss him, Kyla?
Kyla: Yes, mostly because I didn't take out the trash for eight weeks and the house now smells like rotting flesh. Also, I missed him humping my leg and licking my face when I came home from work.
Chloe (to the camera): Maybe Austin and Kyla will suddenly realize they're in love. I had sex with my roommate Mike, so why not?
17 – The pink wives bring their wedding gowns to a bar
Hit the Gown Running
Becca: Thank you all for donating your wedding gowns. They’re going to a charity that plans weddings for people with months to live. All the gold-digging nurse's aides marrying rich senile octogenarians really appreciate it. It's called the Anna Nicole Smith Foundation.
Emily: I actually have been sleeping in my wedding dress every night since D-Day, so it has a bunch of tequila and sweat stains. But I hope it gives its next bride the same delusional confidence I had.
Lauren: I'm happy to give this dress away because I hate anything that's white. I prefer to wear dresses that are Shrek-green and poop-brown. Also, the bulkier and lumpier the material, the better. If I don't look like a stuffed sack of potatoes, I'm returning it to Temu. But donating works too.
Becca: My dress made me feel like a Renaissance Fair wench. I hope its next bride hates Jesus and men as much as I do.
Clare: My dress is going to make some midget bride very happy, but it is itchy. I assume that's why I broke out in hives and started gagging the moment I saw Cameron at the altar. Hopefully the dress's next owner doesn't mind that it has some pee on it from when I dumped it on the bathroom floor on my wedding night. Did I mention how attracted I was to my husband?
Becca: I'm so glad we're letting go of all our anger.
Emily: Speak for yourself. I think it's good to have some hate and call your ex at work 100 times a day. I just hope that in 20 years, when my face is disfigured by plastic surgery and I'm thrice divorced, Brennan appears from the abyss to apologize for rolling his eyes at me. I've never been treated that badly in my life.
Clare: I'm so proud of your personal growth, Emily.
Lauren: You inspire me.
Becca: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Emily: I know, right??
18 – Wrap-Up Interviews
The Schlong Goodbye
Mike: This experience taught me girls are even dumber than I thought.
Austin: I learned how to swallow my own vomit when Becca took her clothes off.
Orion: I now recognize that my ancestors would think I'm a pussy squaw.
Brennan: After this process, I now know what due diligence means.
Cam: I've realized that if a woman won't have sex with me, she's a conniving bitch that deserves to be destroyed.
Chloe: My takeaway from this whole experience is that I win and you lose! Suck it, bitches!
The motherfucking end. You're on your own, Chicago.