I'm so done with this show. It's obvious this reunion is nothing more than damage control for production, pushing a narrative that all the matches failed because of some elaborate plan perpetrated by the men.
The only real puppet here is host Kevin Frazier, whose main concern is keeping his gig. That means spouting the company line. Why isn't KKP hosting this reunion? Then we might have gotten some real answers. Instead, we learn almost nothing new in two hours.
What we do get is three pathetic girls in pink who got dumped and still can't come to terms with their rejection. Clare is the fourth girl in pink, but she did the dumping in her marriage, even if she's now trying to retcon the whole experience.
If you're still interested in the details, here's the unredacted transcript of the first part of the reunion:
Act I - Group Discussion
Pinks and Valleys
Kevin Frazier: Hello everybody! Another great season of MAFS, am I right? You were all so perfectly matched by infallible experts who are geniuses, humanitarians, and fight crime in their spare time. So what went wrong?
Becca: You see, Kevin, it was those mean mean boys. They hypnotized us helpless little girls, cast voodoo spells on us, and shrunk all our clothes in the wash so we'd think we were fat. Austin told me if I didn't prioritize optics, he would throw out my Cheetos and make me wash my hands after I pooped. I had no choice but to go along with his dastardly game.
Emily: Same. Brennan threatened to throw out all my tequila and meth. He said if I didn't do exactly what he said, he would slowly pace around the room and sigh heavily. What was I supposed to do??
Lauren: Preach. Orion totally manipulated the whole situation. But I'm a strong independent black woman who lets no man control her. But Orion controlled me and toyed with my emotions. But I'm a bad bitch not to be messed with. But he completely messed with my head and made me cry like a baby. I am woman, hear me roar!
Clare (sobbing): Boo hoo hoo hoo. I'm soooo sad. Look at my big fat tears! No, seriously, can you guys zoom in on this? Waaaaa. Woe is me. Cameron is a monster. He orchestrated the whole thing. I am a mere puppet in his evil grip. Hey camera guy, did you get a close-up of my tears yet?
Cameron: Excuse me, Kevin, I have to interject. Clare, you were the one begging me to come up with a strategy. It was all your idea. Remember, it was on the wedding night, after I asked you for the 8th time if you would touch my dick?
Clare: It was the 13th time, and I remember perfectly. I asked you if you got what you wanted, and you said you'd fucked sheep that were prettier.
Cam: Yes, we love sheep in New Zealand, and some of them are quite comely. But then I added that I would gladly fuck you because I'm over my bestiality phase and want to finally know what it’s like to have sex with a woman. Unfortunately, that's when you told me you were in love with your boyfriend and slept with him right before the wedding.
Clare: The lies!! I said I had a boyfriend a year ago and had a dream about him the night before the wedding.
Cam: No, I know what I heard. It's not like I'm an autistic idiot who can't read a room. When you said one year, you meant in dog years, and when you said dream, you meant humping. It's like when I said deathbed, I meant a long-term manageable illness, and whenever I said physical intimacy, I meant humping.
Clare: None of that's true. I was very excited about this marriage and wanted it to work. That's why I looked like I smelled a fart every time you spoke. Now everyone watch this single tear roll down my cheek.
Kevin: So Cameron, Clare was obviously in love with you thanks to the perfect match the experts made. Why did you decide to ruin this epic love story?
Cam: When she tried to suffocate me with a pillow on our wedding night, I realized she hates me, but I still thought she would have sex with me. That's why I was willing to oblige her request for an on-screen alibi. I came up with the excuse of religious differences because Clare's boyfriend is a priest.
Clare: The lies!! I gave the priest who officiated our wedding my number and sent him a few nudes. That's all.
Kevin: Great story! Now girls, what's with all the pink? Please explain this very subtle and original choice.
Emily: It means we're bad bitches that don't need no man. Also, it means we're lonely and desperate, but in a really empowering way!
Becca: Girl power! Solidarity! Barbie! #MeToo! Roll Tide!
Kevin: Wow. That's really deep. And you, Chloe? Why are you sitting with the guys and wearing purple?
Chloe: Because of how late I came into the process, I didn’t bond with the girls in the same way. Also, I’ve had my rabies shot and am immune to losers.
Kevin: Fantastic! What I don't get is why all of you insisted on sabotaging this very thorough and scientific process . Did I mention that all the experts are really good-looking and smell nice? So what exactly was the plan behind the scenes?
Becca: The plan was that we would keep private conversations off camera and make each other look good. So basically Hitler's Final Solution and the 9/11 plot combined. So diabolic. I can't believe I went along with it for weeks.
Kevin: Do you see now how you sabotaged your own marriages by doing that? How can a relationship grow if you're not sharing every detail of your lives with producers who want to embarrass you and viewers who hate you? How could the marriage succeed if you're not sharing your social security number, bank passwords, STD results, and fecal samples with the public?
Emily: I know Kevin. That's why I kept asking Brennan if we could film ourselves having sex for the show. He refused because he's so emotionally unavailable. Then he erased all the diary-cams I filmed of myself sticking shot glasses up my vagina. You call that trying??
Kevin: Great stuff! And we'll be right back.
Act II – Clare and Cameron
Fakest Ex Machina
Kevin: So Cam, were you really attracted to Clare?
Cam: Of course. I'm attracted to anything with a warm hole I can stick my dick in.
Clare: The lies!! He rejected me on Day 1 when he sent me that stuffed kiwi. It obviously meant he thought I was fat and short, just like the bird.
Cam: Kevin, I've had sex with plenty of kiwi birds and kangaroos, so that was a compliment. I think Clare's huge misshapen ass is very sexy. That's why I kept trying to touch it, even after she told me she would kill me in my sleep. Her exact quote was, “I'll show you a deathbed”.
Clare: That was after you called me a psychopath and said I looked like an oompa loompa.
Cam: I stand by those comments. You're an evil witch who gave me a heart attack, tried to murder me, and put laxatives in my enchiladas. But I'm still in love with you, so how 'bout it?
Clare: Even though you're just my type, and I love your witty sense of humor so much, I can't take you back. But I really respect you as a person and don't at all think you're a creepy incel who makes my skin crawl.
Kevin: That's great! This is what the reunion's all about – healing and affirming that the experts made another perfect match.
Act III – Austin and Becca
Mess with the Bullshit, Get the Horny
Kevin: Great to see you both! So, Austin, you think Becca's fat and ugly, right?
Austin: No, I was just really sleepy and high.
Kevin: So you don't think she looks like a chubby troll doll who makes your dick go limp?
Austin: Not at all. I was very eager to get physical with her. Like that one time my arm accidentally brushed against her boob as I walked by. Then there was the time I spit in her face. Another time, I made eye contact when we high-fived. We did plenty of intimate stuff.
Becca: False. You rejected me the whole marriage. First you joked, “get off me, you horny girl”. Then, when I walked in on you in the bathroom, you asked me to shut the door. Another time, I was sniffing your underwear, and you asked me to not do that in front of your mom. You don't say those things unless you hate a person.
Austin: I'm sorry you took it that way, but I was sexually attracted to you.
Kevin: Austin, can you just admit Becca's naked body makes you want to kill yourself? You're lying.
Austin: I feel like you're questioning my honesty.
Becca: What it boils down to is that Austin couldn't handle being married to the sexiest woman alive. Having a wife who's overweight, insecure, hates children, constantly rails against the patriarchy, and sneers at his beliefs is what every man wants, right?
Kevin: So much healing.
Act IV – Chloe and Michael
Word Salad as a Rock
Kevin: Welcome! Mike, what a great outfit! It looks like you're wearing pants with four legs.
Mike: I identify as a gay samurai now. My pronouns are ho/bo.
Kevin: Fantastic! This is obviously why you and Chloe were matched. Isn't this exactly what you asked for, Chloe? The experts really nailed it, huh?
Chloe: Yes, Mike was perfect for me in every way, and I was 100% committed to spending the rest of my life with him no matter how unhappy I was. Unfortunately, he was not fully invested in the process. I know this because he didn't want me tattooing his name on my ass ten minutes after we got married. What more proof do you need? Case closed.
Kevin: Great point! So Mike, were you really ready to be married? The experts, who are unerring judges of character, thought you were. Why did you intentionally make them look bad? Forget Chloe, how could you do this to us??
Mike: There are so many reasons I felt unable to say 'yes' on D-Day. When I contemplated the universe and myriad dimensions of time and space and love, within that aggregate context, there were so many permutations of potential outcomes and unexplored decisions. Yet none of them allowed me to affirmatively affirm that we could confirm our firmament in the continuum allotted amid the miasma of legal marriage.
Kevin: Beautiful. There's no way you're a shallow asshole if you use big words and conjunctive sentences. The experts win again!
Act V – Girls' Chat
The Pink Pander
Kevin: Hello, ladies. Why do men suck so bad?
Emily: Boys are poopy-heads, and they have cooties.
Kevin: So why did you go along with their plan?
Clare: We were just trying to make our marriages work because we cared so deeply for our husbands, especially me. I've never been more attracted to a man in my life than I was to Cam. Do you want to see me cry again?
Becca: Exactly, the wives were 100% in, but the men hatched a vast right-wing conspiracy to not have sex with us. Everyone knows that if you're a gentleman, you fuck any girl you meet. If a girl is ready and willing, it is your duty as a man to bang her even if you never want to see her again. If you're not treating me like a whore, you don't respect me. Girl power!
Emily: Totally. The guys should have fucked us and then dumped us. But I'm glad they didn't, because now I don't have to feel used by a man who didn't love me.
Kevin: So you're grateful they didn't take advantage of you sexually once they realized they didn't want a serious relationship with you? Those bastards. Okay, great segment....
Emily: Wait, we didn't even get to talk about how Brennan impregnated my best friend and got to third base with my mom.
Kevin: Can you please shut the fuck up, you dumb bitch! And we'll be right back after this.
Act VI – Emily and Brennan
Charge of the Slight Brigade
Kevin: Brennan, why wouldn't you have sex with Emily when she was black-out drunk?
Brennan: It just wasn't a match. We have different lifestyles. For instance, Emily doesn't wear underwear, and I do. Emily wears a wig, I don't. Emily fucked the entire Denver Broncos' O-line, I didn't.
Kevin: That's great, but why did you check out of a marriage you were miserable in? Make it make sense.
Brennan: When I realized the whole show was a scam, I lost faith in the process.
Kevin: So you're saying the process is legitimate and honorable, and you believe in it with all your heart? Or do I need to get our lawyers out here?
Brennan: Uh, sure. It's just that I felt slighted by the match, and...
Emily: You felt slighted by moi???? How dare you, Kermy! I'm the one who was punished. You punished me every time I said something you didn't like.
Brennan: How did I punish you?
Emily: You wouldn't go to lunch with me, you wouldn't have sex with me, you wouldn't shower with me. That is literally abuse. That's why I was so afraid to speak. You even threatened to roll your eyes at me!!
Brennan: I thought we were establishing a friendship until the rumor at the end.
Emily: You mean rumors.
Brennan: Okay, rumor.
One more episode to go. We can do this. See you next week.