Yup, we're still here. The following is a totally accurate unredacted transcript of the Reunion Part II.
Act I – Brennan and Emily (continued from last week)
A Rumor with a View
Brennan: What rumors are you talking about, Emily?
Emily: The rumor that you wanted to have an orgy with my best friend Lilly, Clare's sister, and Dr. Pepper! I know it's true because you said hi to them. You even hugged Dr. Pepper on camera, so don't lie about it.
Brennan: You were the one who stuck your hand down my dad's pants at the wedding.
Emily: Yeah, that's how normal people say hi. Let's not pretend I'm the slut here. I'm a virgin if you don't count one-night stands.
Brennan: And what about the Australian you made out with?
Emily: That's just how they say hi in Australia. I told you about that right away.
Brennan: Are you high? Lilly told me. She also said you're a sweaty cunt who deserves to die alone.
Emily: That's just how best friends talk about each other. For instance, I totally get why all of Lilly's boyfriends cheat on her with me. I love my friends so much. You're the one who betrayed me.
Brennan: I told you I wanted to leave, but you said you'd make my life a living hell if I did.
Emily: Achhhhhhh
Brennan: See, that's why I wasn't attracted to you.
Emily: You were attracted to me. That's why you kept hiding in the shower and slept on the balcony on the honeymoon.
Brennan: My penis turned inside out in revulsion the one time we kissed on the honeymoon.
Emily: I thought that was a compliment. Why wouldn't you want me? I'm an 8.5 and you're a 6.
Brennan: Your Breathalyzer results don't count. I should have left you right away.
Emily: You should have. I'm so over you. That's why I'm in therapy twice a day and my dad now has conservatorship over me.
Kevin: So what I'm hearing is that you’ve never been better thanks to the experts. Anyone dating?
Brennan: I'm actually seeing someone.
Emily: Alchhhhhh. Of course you are. But I don't care. But I'm going to find her and torture her dog. But I'm way out of your league and too good for you. But why won't you have sex with me?? Please??? But I've never been better. But I already slashed your tires and pooped in your suitcase.
Kevin: Emily, you're foaming at the mouth and your nipples are sweating. Are you okay?
Emily: All of America is watching this and they believe me. I'm super famous and everybody loves me. I'm Britney Spears and you're Justin Timberlake.
Brennan: Cry me a river. You're toxic.
Kevin: Emily, please stop doing handstands. You're not wearing underwear. Guys, we're gonna need to pixelate again.
Emily: Balchhhhhhhhh
Kevin: So that's how you pronounce your last name. Can I go home now?
Producer (off-stage): No. We've got 427 segments to go.
Interlude – Backstage
Becca: We are strong! We are brave! We are powerful!
Lauren: You is smart. You is kind. You is independent.
Brennan: Is Austin dead?
Austin: Dead inside, yes. Plus I have explosive diarrhea and just pooped my pants. I think I'm going to skip the next segment.
Brennan: Then who pooped in my suitcase?
Act II – The Men
Heart-Stopping Faction
Kevin: Great to see you guys. Austin is currently lying in his own filth, so we're a man down. But I want to hear your response to all of the girls' accusations.
Brennan: The thing Emily doesn't get is that I signed up for this show because I saw MAFS as more than trashy reality TV. I based this opinion on all the research I did before applying, like not watching a single episode, not reading the contract, and never Googling the title of the series. Thorough and scientific, just like the casting process.
Kevin: But don't you wish you had been more transparent with Emily?
Brennan: Yes, as transparent as producers were with me about the integrity of the show.
Kevin: Yes, the producers are truly paragons of virtue who don't even know the meaning of the word 'schadenfreude'. Well said. What about you, Cameron? The girls say you faked a fake illness to get out of your fake marriage.
Cam: All I can tell you is that the doctors informed me my condition was not hereditary, even though the same exact thing happened to my father when he got divorced. The medical professionals, who definitely exist, explained that my heart stopped three times because Clare wouldn't have sex with me. It's a strictly clinical diagnosis. (Pulls out a long piece of paper from pocket) Here, I brought my Walgreens receipt as proof. See, that's where I bought antacids and used their blood pressure station. It says my heart rate was slightly elevated and that I have herpes.
Kevin: That really puts things in perspective. Speaking of things that aren't real... Mike, was your first wedding staged?
Mike: As staged as my wardrobe. It was completely authentic. I was originally matched with a bride who had no face, name, friends, or family. She was a ghost in a black wig, and what you saw on TV is exactly what happened.
Kevin: Thank you for telling the lawyer-approved, excuse me, your truth. So much truth.
Interlude – Backstage
Lauren: We would never give these men a second glance in real life. We're so much prettier and hornier and sassier than these low-budget Temu Schein men. By the way, that's where I bought this dress and all of my puke-green unitards that make me look like an overstuffed toad sausage.
Cam: My heart, my heart! It's beating in a rhythmic pattern. That must mean I'm dying! A quick power nap should heal up my very serious cardiac condition. That's just how medicine works.
Act III – Group Talk
Dancing in Deranged
Kevin: And we lost another one. So Cam and Austin are both taking a mental health day, but let's keep going. So Clare, why did you try to kill Cameron?
Clare: The lies!!! I was completely manipulated by him. I thought we were on the same side, but I couldn't sing the song and do the dance.
Kevin: Dance for us, Clare, dance! Dance like no one's looking!
Clare: I can't, I can't.
Emily: Why doesn't anyone believe Clare? She can't sing or dance or read or write. Show some grace, Kevin.
Kevin: Grace? That's not in my contract. I'm just here to blame you for everything and cover for the experts. How dare you disrespect all the brave men and women who laid down their lives for this show. They are true American heroes! They fought for your right to be humiliated on national television. Stand up and salute them, Clare!
Clare: I am standing!
Emily: Stop short-shaming her, Kevin!
Kevin: Zip it, blondie! Brennan, why didn't your relationship with this dumb ho work out?
Brennan: When her bridesmaids told me she's a selfish drunk slut, it made me go “huh”. Then I found out she spends all her money on fake hair and morning-after pills. That's when I was done.
Emily: Whatever, I make more money than you. I'm a financial 9.57, and you're a 2.
Brennan: That's only because you itemize all your medical expenses and make back $20k a year in tequila bottle deposits.
Emily (sobbing): I gave you everything – my dignity, my wig, my Netflix password! I'm not going to apologize for being a terrible person who terrorized you all season and threatened your life.
Kevin: Now let's watch some zany outtakes!
Act IV – Orion and Lauren
Cuck Around and Find Out
Kevin: Orion, you and Lauren were clearly made for each other. Tell us all the things you found attractive about her.
Orion: Her teeth and her toes.
Kevin: So, for the record, you're saying the experts made a perfect match?
Orion: Uhhhhh, yes?
Kevin: Then why did you blow it by slut-shaming her? It shouldn't bother you if Lauren had sex with 10 men, 7 blow-up dolls, and 3 cows the night before the wedding. My wife was gang-banged by the entire NBA D-League at her bachelorette party, and she sent me the video. Why would a man care about something like that?
Orion: Uhhhhh, yes?
Kevin: Do you feel like you gave up on the marriage too quickly?
Orion: I gave up on the process too quickly.
Lauren: See, he wasn't here for the marriage. He only wanted to promote his culture. I, on the other hand, was on the show to promote my proud black ass and my weave.
Kevin: So what I'm hearing is that the process would have succeeded if you both gave it a chance. Anyone dating?
Lauren: Kevin, stop flirting with me. Tee hee hee. I am living laughing loving. I've got a pocket full of sunshine and am living the dream. Giggle giggle. Why would you ask me that, Kevin?
Kevin: Um, I ask that of everyone, Lauren. Wait, you're not sleeping with my wife, are you?
Lauren: A lady doesn't kiss and tell.
Act V – Fakesperts and Women
Live at the Apollogy Theatre
Kevin: Great to see you, Pops, Peps, and Pips! Please remind us again how you're the blameless victims here.
Cal: I'm only here because I want to help people and love expensive suits.
Pepper: I'm 96-years-old and have no idea where I am.
Pia: I'm a clinical psychologist - I don't just play one on TV. I'm also a lawyer, an astronaut, a licensed calligrapher, and a professional foot model. And look at my huge tits!
Kevin: God bless you all.
Ladies enter stage left
Pepper: Ladies, why didn't you feel safe telling us the truth?
Clare: Because you'd sue us. Also because we were all so in love with our husbands and wanted to make them look good. I truly adored Cameron and his crooked penis and revolting accent. I just wanted him so bad. Excuse me, I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Cal: I believe all women. Men are the worst! I just want you all to remember that you don't owe anyone respect if they don't respect you. By the way, I don't respect you and am just using you to advance my career. Thank you, ya dumb bitches.
Pia: I just wish we would have known what was going on. There was no way we could see through your ill-disguised lies. Like when Brennan said that you agreed not to talk about stuff, how could I know you agreed not to talk about stuff??
Becca: It's not your fault. There's no way your years of psychological training could have prepared you to understand very obvious human dynamics. Can you ever forgive us?
Clare: As a fake therapist myself, let me just say how sorry we all are for not trusting you. Thank you for all the lessons and the things and the that and the this. I really mean it.
Emily: I'll have sex with all three of you for free. That's how much I appreciate you.
Lauren: There's no I in Temu.
Kevin: Amen.
Act VI – Fakesperts and Men
One Ringleader to Rule Them All
Pepper: Cameron, you're the ringleader of this elaborate plot to fulfill the legal contract we forced you to sign. Why did you trick everyone into doing your bidding?
Cam: Those are all provable lies. I did not convince the other husbands to do anything. And since I did nothing wrong, I'd like to offer you my heartfelt apology. I'm so sorry I didn't indulge your misery porn of a show. I'm so ashamed!
Pepper: That means a lot. Fake apologies are what this show's all about.
Brennan: I'd also like to read the prepared statement your legal team handed me. “Dr. Pia, you are so beautiful and smart and better than me. I sincerely regret not giving you a chance to demean me on camera even more than you did. Also, sorry for being a straight white male. My eternal respect, Brennan.”
Pia: I'm very proud of you, Brennan. Debasing yourself to satiate my ego is all I ever wanted from you. Was that so hard?
Kevin: Thank you, experts, for saving humanity one divorce at a time. It's truly an honor to breathe the same air as you. Speaking of, I think Peps needs a diaper change.
Act VII – Group Talk
Jab at the Slut
Brennan: Last one, boys.
Clare: Don't look at me, Brennan. And why are you breathing? Did I say you could breathe?
Kevin: So let's clear up the double date rumor once and for all. Cameron, what happened?
Cam: Well, Brennan and I were...
Clare: The lies! The lies!
Emily: Please! Please! Kevin, permission to treat the witness as hostile.
Kevin: What?? He didn't say anything.
Emily: Objection! Motion to dismiss! Petition for a gag order!
Brennan: Can we please speak?!
Clare: You fucked my best friend in the hot tub with a candlestick in the billiard room with Colonel Mustard!
Brennan: First I wanted to fuck your friend, now I actually fucked her? Which is it?
Clare: Either way! It doesn't matter. You said she was cute!
Austin: Your honor, I said Becca was cute our whole marriage. Can I get retroactive credit for fucking her too?
Lauren: Listen up, Cameron, that shit don't fly with me. You can look all smug and superior, but I'm not scared of you.
Cam: I'm sorry, have we met? Who are you again and why are you jabbing at me?
Lauren: You want a jab, I'll show you a jab. Keep jabbing the bear, and I'll jabadabadoo you back to jab island, you colonist.
Cam: Sorry, I don't speak ebonics.
Lauren: I'm a bad mama jaba. Jaba lama ding dong!
Cam: Anyways, after the Monthiversary dinner, Brennan and I saw two girls at a bar and joked that in a few weeks we'd be free to ask them out.
Clare: We were still working on our marriage! Sure, I wouldn't kiss Cameron or be in the same room as him, but we were in love! Sure, I told him to move out and that I wanted a divorce, but we were still together! How could you, Brennan??
Em: Why are the men allowed to speak?? Stop silencing us by not being silent!! I'm done!
Emily storms off, no one tries to stop her
Cam: To sum up, there was no double date.
Clare: Shut up, Cam. This is between me and Brennan. Why were you trying to fuck my friend instead of me? Why don't you love me, Brennan??
Emily returns
Kevin: Oh, great. If you don't want to be here, you don't have to be here.
Emily: I'm here.
Kevin: Are you sure? Because it's really fine if you want to leave and never come back. Think about it.
Emily: Kevin, I'm staying!
Kevin: Fine. Almost done, Kevin, you can do this. So everyone, lessons learned?
Clare: Lie harder, cry harder.
Becca: More makeup will make men want to have sex with me.
Lauren: Back to black.
Emily: I hate my dad.
Austin: No more fat chicks.
Cam: No more fat chicks.
Brennan: No more bald chicks.
Orion: Back to white.
Kevin: There you have it. Another winning season in the books. Five perfect matches and five happy endings. After all, divorce is just another word for successful conflict resolution. See you in Chicago, suckers!