Another week, another new business idea for Steven. He's looking to expand the McBees' existing herd of buffalo so he can sell their meat, skins, and skulls. He's also planning on starting a buffalo rodeo, training them as emotional support animals, and hiring them to work at the car wash.
Mostly, it's an excuse for the boys to take a trip to Montana and reenact an episode from Yellowstone, replete with a fawning tribute to Indian culture. Thank you for reminding me that the worst part of Yellowstone was not Taylor Sheridan's gratuitous dressage scenes, but the apocryphal portrayal of Indians as noble victims, oppressed by the evil white man.
Too bad every time the Indians were massacred, the US Army was aided by a rival tribe. Too bad the Indians raped and murdered helpless settlers and then desecrated their corpses. Too bad they've turned their massive reservations, free of state oversight, into slums and gambling havens. Yeah, but they ride bareback so they deserve our undying respect. Cool.
The one thing we can give the Indians credit for is knowing a sucker when they see one. The McBees' stay at Flathead Reservation is basically glamping for boys. They camp out in plush tepees built for them, cook food provided for them, and then get to pretend to corral buffalo that have already been rounded up for them within 100 feet of a pen.
It would probably be cheaper to have the buffalo shipped to the McBee farm, but then the McBoys couldn't brag about being real cowboys. Now this is how you avenge conquered land. Overcharge your vanquishers and emasculate them on national TV. Well played, Geronimo.
The Prodigal Bison
Before the McBoys can escape to their male-bonding retreat, they have to tolerate their girlfriends for an hour at Steve's Father's Day celebration. Cole especially is none too pleased Galyna is hosting the event. He says he doesn't like her playing any role that used to be his mother's. Except, we learn this episode that his parents separated almost 20 years ago. I'm starting to think Mama McBee is like Brad Pitt's character in Fight Club. When do we get video evidence she actually exists?
For now, we have to settle for non-blurry video of Brayden. I had my doubts, but I'm officially upgrading him from mythical creature to talking extra. He even gets his own scene and backstory this episode. Apparently, his relationship with Steve Sr. is strained because he was so young when his mom and dad split. Brayden is 20, so do the math yourself.
While the other boys would visit the farm every weekend, Brayden stayed with his mom because he was too little. It sounds to me like Steve forsook his youngest son because he didn't want to change diapers or wipe a poopy butt. Hey, he's got three other sons, so what's the difference? Brayden's just insurance in case the others drown in the car wash.
Brayden seems aware of his throwaway status and pointedly turns down Steve when asked to join on the buffalo trip. Brayden says he can't get off work. That's funny. In the first episode Brayden was described as a manager on the farm. Sounds like Steven Jr. won't give him the time off. Those toilets aren't going to scrub themselves.
Next up it's time for gifts. Steve gets a new cowboy hat, a cowboy hat rack, a cowboy hat box, a cowboy hat brush, and a cowboy hat for his horse. Then each of the boys has to recite an ode to Steve telling him what a great father he is. It's King Lear, Missouri style.
Steven thanks his father for always supporting his business ideas, like his most recent plan for car washes for motorcycles. Jesse thanks Dad for attending every single game and practice the boys had growing up and sleeping with all their coaches' wives. Cole thanks Steve for introducing him to Dustin Lynch. Brayden simply thanks him for the memories.
Where's the McBeef
Then it's off to Montana. First, a primer. So bison are evidently an interchangeable term for buffalo, but maybe the purer version. Steven explains to us that a lot of modern buffalo are actually beeffalo, mutant hybrids of cows and bison created for cheap meat. As an example, The McBee Dyansty is the beefalo version of Yellowstone, bred with Growing Up Gotti.
After a brisk 22-hour drive - with the elusive Uncle Jimmy in tow - everyone arrives at the Flathead Reservation. It's named after Cole's dick, or not. You've never seen dudes this impressed with a sunset. The McBoys practically have a religious experience watching the mountains turn purple as the sun goes down. Cole's dick also turns purple, but that's a separate issue. He has medication for that.
It is actually heartwarming to see how much the guys all enjoy each other's company as they camp out for the night. Cole explains that his brothers are his best friends and they spend more time with each other than anyone else. Awww.
Meatier Showers
They're so close, they love showering together too. No, this isn't a Joe and Ashley Bison Biden type deal. Rather, the guys all shampoo their balls together in the nearby river. Credit to production for sparing us the standard reality TV bare-ass scenes. With the cameras there, the guys all keep their underoos on and preserve their modesty and ours. Thank you for not going full Kardashian. No one wants to see Cole's purple dick.
Watching the McBoys fall and trip in the water is fun, but the main event is a very slow trail ride on horseback to find buffalo. Excuse me, bisonlo. The ridiculous premise is that the McBoys are real cowboys, scouring the massive reservation for stray buffalo they can gather and drive back to their haulers.
In reality, they're led by their local chaperone on a scenic route and then magically happen upon the entire herd. Once they reach them, the guys fan out and drive the beasts into a whole pen system that just happens to be a few yards away. Just like the real Indians did.
I'm surprised they didn't give the McBees feathers and face paint to complete the cosplay. Is anything on this show real?
Witness to the Prostitution
Speaking of things that aren't real, Calah's face is back. While the show's filming, Calah suddenly decides she should spend more time at the ranch with Steven. I'm sure the camera time has nothing to do with it. Papa McBee is steamed when he learns Cal is spending three whole weeks with Steven. He says she controls Steven and warns that the wrong woman can destroy a family. On her end, Calah thinks Steve monopolizes Steven's time.
She finds a receptive audience in Kacie - Cole's girlfriend - and Jesse's long-time love Alli. Not to be confused with Brayden's girl Aly or their sisters Ally, Ollie, and Ali. Is it short for Allah? Exactly what kind of cult are we dealing with here?
On a night out at a bar, Calah complains to Kacie and Alli that Steve has poisoned all his sons against the idea of marriage. Since the McBoys idolize their father, they are heavily influenced by his anti-marriage bias. Alli, who's been with Jesse for ten years, reveals she directly confronted Steve on the matter with some choice words. Those words were 'pre' and 'nup'.
This seems like a mischaracterization of Steve's advice to his sons, albeit a subtle one. He does want his sons to be cautious in making such a life-altering decision. However, we saw him two weeks ago tell Jesse that Alli is a diamond in the rough. His beef is with Calah, who should never be any man's wife unless that man needs an overpriced beard. Steve sees Calah for exactly what she is, and she resents it.
She makes his point for him when she divulges to the other girls that Steven regularly sends her $10k and $20k transfers. Kacie and Alli are shocked. All they get are some emergency cash in the night stand and the boys' Netflix password. Yeah, draining your struggling farm's liquidity so your chick can load up on leather pants and botox is not a precursor to a happy marriage. There's a word for a woman that gets money to have sex with a man, and it isn't girlfriend. It certainly is not wife.
The Cole of the Wild
Kacie, on the other hand, is very much girlfriend material. Also, her face wasn't made in Frankenstein's lab. She and Cole haven't broken up in over two weeks, so they're doing well by their standards. So well, in fact, that Cole plans a date for them in the back of his pickup, with Lunchables and juice boxes to boot. Classy.
We get a walk down memory lane to when they first met five years ago as teenagers. Cole was his high school's star quarterback, so Kacie agreed to go out with him. Their first date, of course, was a Dustin Lynch concert. This guy again?? Why is Dustin Lynch in every episode of this show? Either it's a paid sponsorship or this is some sort of inside joke. He's almost mentioned as many times as car washes.
By the way, this tidbit makes Cole's cheating in Ft. Worth so much worse. He made out with that MILF at another Dustin Lynch concert. Way to ruin a special memory.
After a night of Lynch's sweet crooning, Kacie and Cole spent the night together until 4am, but Cole was too scared to kiss her. Probably too blacked out as well. It's hard to kiss a girl when you're unconscious. She friend-zoned him but he got a second chance when they had a moment alone. A switch flipped and Kacie knew she would “love this guy for a very long time”. That's code for forever, kids. On his end, Cole says Kacie is the only girl he can see himself settling down with.
Nowadays, Kacie describes Cole as a total teddy bear who tells her he loves her all the time. He even takes her turkey hunting, which is how you know Cole is really in love. You think Steven takes Calah hunting?
They agree to go steady, and Cole tells Kacie he's ready to put a name on their relationship. That's code for girlfriend, kids. Whether he puts the McBee name on her for good is a question for another day. He won't find another more deserving, that's for sure.
Kacie is pure bison. She's the kind of girl you start a herd with. You corral that kind of pedigree and put your brand on it for life. Come on, Cole. Real cowboys don't let stock this good get away.