With the boys still partying in Nashville, the girls decide to give them a taste of their own medicine. Their chosen reprisal is getting molested in public. That'll show ‘em! Kacie hires a strip mall male stripper to sexually assault Alli and Galyna at a honky tonk, all in a bid to show the guys what they're missing.
Galyna ups the ante by siccing the sex predator on Angie, the wife of hedge fund manager Greg. This is what real revenge looks like. Sure, you can send the McBoys a saucy picture to make them jealous, or you can bankrupt their entire business. No one does payback like a Russian. Just look at Ukraine.
Steven is also thinking long-term. He too is engineering the future destruction of the farm by making things official with Calah, even as he acknowledges she will take all his money if things go south. Hell, she's taking all his money now.
This is not what pay it forward means, and Calah's nose job isn't what paying through the nose means either, but there will be hell to pay. It's just a matter of which wronged girlfriend cashes out first.
The Buffalo Billions
In the meantime, the McBoys are paying for their antics the night before. It's hangover morning, and they're all taking stock of how the club outing with the twins went. Jesse has a clear conscience, Steven is pleading the 5th, and Cole is relieved to wake up with no regrets. It's a first for Cole, although it helps when you can't remember anything and the cameras left at midnight.
Since Steven is producing the show, he gets to write his own redemption arc. He tells the camera he knows his weaknesses, and he is better in a relationship. That relationship is with his dad's credit line, but Calah makes for a nice beard. As he's waxing poetic about getting too old for the party lifestyle, Steven burns everyone's toast. It's an apt metaphor for his management skills.
Papa Steve has his own weakness. It's called Steven Jr. As Steve complains that Galyna blackmails him with the hedge fund deal, he neglects to see the reason he needs the cash in the first place. Steven's car wash pyramid scheme is what put Steve Sr. $50 million in debt. Who knew you could drown in a car wash? I guess that's why they warn you to close your windows.
If Steven doesn't drown the farm in debt, he'll burn it all down. Maybe literally. After all, Steven was the one who almost let the flames jump when the boys were burning fields for planting. Steven notes that any woman would light a billion dollars on fire if she feels wronged.
Since Galyna's only working on a $100 million deal, Steven is definitely talking about Calah. There's no pre-nup in the world that can protect the farm when she leaves Steven for her jujitsu instructor. An ex-wife Calah would make MacKenzie Bezos look like a decent human being.
More and more, it's becoming clear that Steven hates his father and wants to destroy everything he's worked for. If he can't do it with reckless business decisions, he'll do it with feckless personal decisions. Somebody's a mama's boy. That's what you get for cheating on my mommy!
Is Steven the one stealing all of Steve's tractors too? It does have all the hallmarks of an inside job. Wake up, Steve - the call's coming from inside the house!
Pro Farma
The extent of Steven's corporate sabotage is revealed when Galyna meets with hedge fund manager Greg. Since she's such an indispensable financial wiz, Galyna is shocked when Greg asks some benign questions about the car washes' profits. Why is that relevant? Aren't our cowboy hats and big belt buckles enough collateral for you? Did I mention it's COFFEE and car wash?
Greg, who looks like Emma Stone and Louie Anderson's love child, didn't get rich investing in hicks selling magic soybeans. He lets Galyna know he needs some concrete pro forma numbers and real-world returns. The kicker comes when Greg notes that the McBees' longest running car wash is only a few months old.
Are you fricking kidding me?? Steven is betting the farm so he can build 100 more car washes, meanwhile not a single one has broken even yet? There's ambition and then there's commercial suicide. Steven is turning into the My Pillow guy.
This is what happens when you're desperate to prove you deserve a job you know you haven't earned. Steven has serious impostor syndrome, and it could cost the family everything.
Girls' Strip
Back in Gallatin, the girls are hatching their own half-assed plans to close the deal. They're tired of getting hosed – what is this, a car wash? That means heading out to the classiest cowboy bar in the local strip mall. It's called Guitars and Cadillacs but has more of a banjos and Sebrings vibe. Close enough.
There is, of course, a whole lot of Texas two-stepping, cheap beer, and... a male stripper. If they can't go to Nashville, Kacie is bringing the bachelorette party back to Missouri. Surely egged on by production, she hires an exotic dancer named Damien to spluge all over Galyna in full view of the entire dance hall.
There are cooch headstands, one-legged humping, and full-frontal flashing. After Damien is done raping Galyna, she decides she doesn't want to be the only one humiliated for the night. She offers up Angie, Greg's wife, who she had invited out with the girls.
Now this is downright diabolical. Galyna knows Steve couldn't care less if she gets felt up by some hairy ape in a Speedo, but he sure as hell cares about his precious hedge fund deal. Looking like a middle school librarian, Angie surprisingly enjoys the sexual assault, but whether her husband will is another matter. Is Greg a fatter older Christian Grey? Maybe Steven should have pitched a lap dance 'n' car wash. Now that's a business idea.
Stripper Damien then sets his sight on Alli. This is a man who works hard for his money, unlike Steven. Damien grabs Alli from behind, straddles her legs around him, and spanks her for what seems like an hour. Ever present Uncle Jimmy makes sure to film the whole thing. Of course he’s a pervert - he’s a McBee.
Alli describes the experience as mortifying, saying “a sweaty man in a wiener sling [was] banging bongos on my butt”. How's that for a Yelp review? Damien finally ends his rampage and ducks out before the girls call the cops. That's when Uncle Jimmy, who's looking for prime billing next season, sends the video to Steven and Cole. Someone has figured out how reality TV works. Brayden, you are officially replaced.
No Wrestle for the Weary
Once the McBoys share the video with Jesse, he doesn't have a lot to say. He knows Alli well enough to shrug it off and is probably most embarrassed that it happened on camera. Although, Jesse does comment that Alli won't even do that move for him. Well, maybe now she will. And if she does, please leave Damien a good Yelp review. He needs it.
Galyna mistakenly thinks she's got the same pull as Alli and tries to taunt Steve with news of the stripper. He retaliates by FaceTiming her with Kylee and the twins in the background. Galyna laughs it off but tells the girls she's nothing more than a convenience. The word is concubine, not convenience, but they're easy to get confused.
Speaking of women vying to be Steve's #1 ho, Kylee is still in town. As she's going back to the house with the guys, she flashes the whole gang. It's Memorial Day, not Mardi Gras, but Kylee is still looking for McBeads. In the end, Steve goes to bed alone because he's too drunk to get it up. Kylee sticks around anyway, just in case any other McBee wants to pay her bills.
It’s unclear if Kylee got the “perks without the works” deal. Maybe Steve just pays her to be his arm candy in public or on camera, but she never has to put out. It sounds like Greg is after the same deal. He wants to be on TV without shelling out. No one told Damien this was an option. He gave his all.
While the old man is passed out in bed, the younger McBoys need to find some way to entertain the gaggle of women he lured back to the roost. So it's time for some wrestling. Obviously. What else would drunk boys do when they want to impress drunk girls? It's also an excuse for Cole to feel up someone's boobs without getting in trouble. Steven's tits are at least a D-cup.
Cole puts Steven in a headlock, Steven gives Jesse a wedgie, and Jesse punches Cole in the nuts. It's a three-way tie for last place when an angry demon emerges from beneath to cut the fun short. Papa Steve, in a drunken zombie stupor, comes up to the rooftop where the McBoys are rassling to scream “enough!” He's not fully conscious, is wearing some droopy briefs, and appears to be having a psychotic break.
He bellows at his sons to “fucking knock it off” and they look petrified. You get the sense this isn't the first time Papa Steve came at them in an alcohol-fueled rage. Luckily, he forgot his pants this time so they don't have to worry about getting the belt. I guess that buckle's not just for show.
The next morning Steve barely has any recollection of the episode. The boys remember all too well but would rather pretend they don't. It's not easy admitting they are still scared little children living in fear of their father. Now we know the real reason they don't turn down Steve's trip invites.
Official Out of Water
Having your father scold you like a toddler is a quick way to realize you don't want to be his drinking buddy anymore. The McBoys won't actually say it to Steve's face, but they all agree when they're at a safe distance, fishing on a dock back at the farm. Jesse says the constant temptation is difficult, and a few years ago he would have succumbed to the twins' overtures. Good thing the McBoys have their dad to blame for all their cheating. Daddy made me!
Whether it's the Nasvhille trip or watching Alli get drilled by an oily bohunk, Jesse confides in Tessa that he's ready to propose. In response, Tessa recounts her own proposal. Her now husband stopped the car on the side of the road and told her to marry him or she could walk home. Then they spit in their palms and shook on it, Who's the Boss-style. What a beautiful tale.
Steven's nowhere near proposing to Calah, thank God, but he is ready to do something special for her – like wear a shirt with a collar. The McBees don't yet sell polos with their logo on it, so Steven has to borrow his mom's v-neck crop top when he surprises Calah with a fancy dinner. It's tight in all the wrong places, and Steven looks like the nerdy girl in a '90s high school comedy called Bee's All That.
Aside from the wardrobe change, Steven hires a private chef and lights a bunch of candles in fishbowls. Before he burns down the farm, he wants to practice with the condo his dad bought him. When Calah arrives, Steven notifies her he's finally ready to commit.
Commit to what, you ask? Not to calling her his girlfriend, not to moving in together, not to going steady, not even to paying for her new boob job. Nope. None of the above. Steven is ready to commit to going Instagram official. Just like a big boy.
They take a pic, Calah edits it so she doesn't look like scary muppet, and Steven posts it on his feed. Wow. This makes Tessa’s husband look like a veritable Don Juan.
No word on whether Greg is ready to make it Insta official with the McBee car washes, but Angie just posted a bunch of snaps from her Carribbean vacation with Damien. See, hard work really does pay off!