Another week, another car wash. This episode sees Steve Sr. drag the McBoys to Nashville to inspect some vacant lots where he can bury Galyna's body and then build a car wash on top. The perfect crime.
The real plan is to open car washes in every city where Steve has a side chick. Nashville's piece is called Kylee and she's an old soul. That's code for she dates older men for with money. She and Steve met on a ski trip, which I'm sure was also billed as a work trip. Sorry Kacie and Alli, we're building a new car wash in Aspen and the Swiss Alps.
I'm guessing the next round of car washes are slated for Vegas, Miami, and Cabo. Is the whole hedge fund deal just a scam to fund Steve's whoring ways? Pops McBee has more road hos than an NBA player. And like pro ballers, he only travels with a team. Sure, Steven, Jesse, and Cole could say no like their baby brother Brayden did, but that would entail their balls dropping.
If you ever wondered what daddy's boys looks like, it's this trio. Their mantra is, “but Daddy said so”. Real American cowboys, am I right?? Maybe Jesse should put his hair in a ponytail and start speaking with a Russian accent. Then Steve would leave him alone real quick.
The Vacant Plot Thickens
It's still planting season, so that means all the farmhands are vying for the Corn Star, an award for the most acreage plowed. Extra credit for the pun. The current race leader is Kerneels, a man literally named after corn kernels, so that seems rigged. Cole, of course, is in last place. It's hard to get much work done when your father's constantly dragging you to Dustin Lynch concerts and strip clubs.
Case in point, when Steve gets a call that his newest construction sites in Nashville just got approved, he immediately decrees a boy's trip to inspect the properties. You'd think the guys were being deployed to war the way they have to pack up their bags and ship out in an hour.
It also just happens to be Memorial Day Weekend. Now don't get it twisted, this is not at all about hitting a party town on a party holiday. It's totally about work. If all three of the McBoys don't go right this second to stare at some empty tracts of asphalt, the whole hedge fund deal will fall through. Obviously.
Like he does with Galyna, Steve needs to use the company as an excuse to keep the people he loves near. God forbid he admit he enjoys his sons and girlfriend's company. No, no, this isn't about their company, it's about the company. Insecure much?
Transparent justifications aside, the ad hoc reason for the trip is belied by Steve's announcement a few episodes ago that he was planning a big Nashville trip. Since the show was filmed during the Hollywood writers' strike, I'll allow it. I bet Steven was editing the whole thing himself. Still, bonus points for crafting an empty plot around a bunch of empty plots in Nashville. It's downright poetic.
Bowling for Call 'Em Mine
The girls are vying for their own award called the Scorn Star. Galyna is currently in the lead, but Kacie is hot on her heels. Alli is disqualified because her boyfriend doesn't cheat on her every time he leaves the house. Plus, we learn this week that Jesse bought Alli an engagement ring a year ago.
The ring is currently at Mama McBee's house for safekeeping. Jesse says he's so far refused to propose because he resents feeling pressured. It's also because Steve Sr. won't grant his hand in marriage.
This is the only family where the girlfriend has to ask the man's father for permission to marry his son. At this rate, Alli's going to have pay Steve a dowry. Too bad Jesse isn't a grown-ass man who can make decisions for his own damn self. Indian child brides have more say-so in their matrimonial future.
To commiserate over their poor taste in men, Kacie, Alli, and Galyna meet up to bowl. Save for the cameras, the girls would never hang out with Galyna, but Steven wrote her into the script, so bowling it is. Calah's getting her ass implants reinflated this week, so she's out of commission. Galyna's Escalade isn't the only thing that spends a lot of time in the body shop.
The girls all agree that their men are trash and that Steve is a man-whore. Then why are you with them?? They wonder why it's called a boys' trip when the guys spend the whole time hitting on girls. The gals also contemplate whether the boys would get jealous if they took a similar “girls' trip” and caroused with strange men.
This sounds like a job for Dustin Lynch. He's on retainer, right? Kacie and Cole's first date was at a Dustin Lynch concert, Cole cheated on her at a Dustin Lynch show in Texas, so let's bring this baby full circle. My pitch: Kacie hooks up with Dustin Lynch when he appears at the county fair to judge the Miss Rocky Mountain Oysters pageant. Then Cole runs him over with a tractor.
This is what the show could be with real writers. Too bad Steven's the monkey pounding this thing out on his typewriter.
Mid-Life Vices
For now, Steven's much more focused on fomenting conflict between Cole and his dad than between Cole and Kacie. To that end, he goads Cole into confronting his father about his life choices.
On the car ride to Nashville, Cole freely calls his father a “whipped bitch” who complains about being with Galyna but does nothing about it. Cole promises to call him out when he sees him, but balks as soon as Steven puts their father on speakerphone.
The irony is that Cole is criticizing his father for the same thing he and his brothers are doing. They all whine that they're forced to party with their dad because he's their boss, but they could just as easily beg out. What's he going to do, fire them? Like Steve living with Galyna, it's a choice, and work is nothing but an excuse.
Speaking of bad choices, Jesse makes an outfit change before arriving in Nashville. He shows up to the house in work-out shorts, white sneakers, and white socks. He looks like a '90s soccer mom running errands at WalMart. He also comes bearing some sort of deer table décor that he picked up at TJMaxx. This is just a reminder that Jesse is supposed to be the hot one. A hot what is unclear.
Besides Jesse's fashion faux pas, the real bad choice is the house itself. No AirBnB rental will suffice for Lord McBee. Steve owns this party pad, and it's a multi-million modern mansion. Styled like a boutique hotel, it's the house that rube built. It's actually pretty nice, but is this where a farmer $50 mil in debt should be spending his money?
I wouldn't be surprised if the McBees rent this place out for extra income, but it is yet one more needless revenue stream that will not return its original investment for years to come. How much do you want to bet this was Steven's idea? I'd bet the farm.
Then it's time to hit the bars. Steve scratches him massive F-150 in 150 different places as he maneuvers out of his tight parking space. No wonder the Gallatin body shop's always busy. Not to mention that back home, Kacie just junked her ride running over some giant mutant raccoons. Car squash, car wash, close enough. Branding is branding.
Once at the bar, we meet Kylee. She's a younger hotter Brooke minus the tattoos and meth. Steve keeps describing her as mature for her age, but that's a relative term when you consider the source. No word on whether she needs to borrow a car from Steve and then crash it into a tree.
As the McBoys side eye Steve's side chick, Steve tells her that Steven Jr. judges him for being with her. Kylee is shocked, shocked I tell you. She confronts Steven, who immediately tucks his dick between his legs and says he judges no one.
Kylee deems Steven opinionated and spends a little too much time smiling at her date's son. It's not like she wouldn't jump ship in a second. As trashy as it would be to sleep with both a father and son, Kylee would still be an upgrade over Calah. She at least doesn't look like she's wearing someone else's nose. Maybe Steven could get a discount on this one. Would Pops even mind, or would he want to join in? In this family, there's no telling.
Boy's Strip
The next day, after a quick look at some cracked asphalt that passes for the car wash lot, it's back to the bars. Steve has invited reinforcement, including Kurt, a hairy caveman who was Steven's costar on Joe Millionaire.
So between Steven, Calah, and now Kurt, The McBee Dynasty is nothing more than a spin-off of a reboot of a dating show. But they want you to believe this is the real Yellowstone. Not quite. Will they also bring back the original Joe Millionaire from 2003? I'm sure he could use the money. Talk about a caveman.
With their entourage in tow, the guys stake out the mezzanine of a skanky disco and invite a bunch of 20-somethings to join them. Kylee arrives late, so Steve first flirts with Yulia, a girl with impressive abs. Another Russian? Now that would really piss off Galyna. There are also twins Carissa and Cailyn. Desperate for more traffic on their OnlyFans page, they first make out for the cameras before giving Steven a lap dance.
Jesse remarks that he can go to a bar and not feel the need to go home with a girl, but Cole and Steven can't. Watching the latter two interact with these Sirenese twins, it's obviously for different reasons.
Cole is a flirt - Kacie says as much. He's just a horny 23-year-old. Steven, on the other hand, gives me fat kid syndrome vibes. As the twins rip his shirt off and gyrate in his cowboy hat, he sits in his seat frozen with a dumb smile on his face. Having drunk girls degrade themselves for his attention reassures Steven that he's not an overweight nerd anymore, and he loves it.
Steven bears all the hallmarks of a man who didn't get laid in high school. That's why he's so cartoonishly muscular. He's over-compensating for lost time. It would also explain the consolation prize that is Calah. She was ugly in high school, Steven was chunky, and they're forever making up for it to this day.
Contrast that with Jesse, who's been told he's good-looking his whole life. He's content to watch from the sidelines, unimpressed by trashy girls with daddy issues. If only he could resolve his own daddy issues, he might make a good man yet.