The McBee Dynasty Recap, Season 1 Episode 6

Commie Dearest

This week the show explores whether the McBees are Communists. We've all been thinking it, right? The episode sees two shout-outs for Russian collectivism, a labor dispute, and a disagreement over property rights. So let's discuss.

The McBees do all live together communally and are governed by a system of corrupt nepotism. Check. Acting as the party chairman, Steve Sr. lavishes expensive houses and cars on his family members and cronies. Check. As head of the development committee, Steven Jr. drives the operation into ruin by grossly misspending on ill-fated programs that never yield results. Check. Steven further misallocates funds the company doesn't have by pursuing vanity projects, propaganda marketing schemes, and moon shots. Check. The men in charge spoil their mistresses with luxuries not afforded to the workers in their fields. Check. Alcoholism is a major destabilizing factor across the land. Check. Galyna is Russian. Check.

There you have it. The McBees are dirty Soviets. I knew it. I guess this is why they were raided by the FBI. I mean, the FBI wouldn't raid lawful American citizens for no reason, right? Right??

The Common Nest Manifesto

A hallmark of Communism is an individual's lack of claim to private property. In this vein, Galyna decides to unilaterally commandeer Steve's home - for the greater good, of course.

She recently sold her home but mysteriously neglected to plan ahead for a place to live. Galyna informs Steve that if he doesn't let her move in, she'll have to live in her car. Or rather his car. Galyna is noticeably back in an Escalade this week. I guess the body shop's schedule finally opened up.

Since Steve is powerless to assert domain over his own freakin' home, he lets Galyna “store” a few things in his basement and “temporarily” live with him full-time. Same thing happened to Poland in 1945. Oh, we're just staying for a bit while we get things sorted out after WWII, comrade.

In an aside to the camera, Galyna tells us she has no attachment to property – like a good Communist – and that she moved many times through out her life. Most notably, she relocated continents as a mail-order bride. After a ten-year plan, she decided the marriage wasn't for her and that she wanted to chase other dreams.

The man who imported Galyna wrongly assumed he was getting a docile subservient wife, i.e. a mail-order bride. Unfortunately for him, the fine print was written in Russian. No worries. He simply put in an order for a newer model from Ukraine once Galyna was gone. Mail-order brides are like AC units. You have to replace them every decade. Standard warranty.

Nowadays, it's Steve who's overheating. As Galyna brags that she lets Steve think he has the upper hand, he stews that Galyna keeps pushing him around like the pussy that he is. Cole's girlfriend Kacie rightly points out that Steve deserves no sympathy in this situation. If he doesn't want Galyna sleeping in his bed, he could simply break up with her. Cole breaks up with Kacie all the time. It's not that hard.

Steve's argument is that he has to keep Galyna happy to ensure her refinancing deal goes through. It's episode 6 and they're still pumping this storyline. Everyone knows that a business loses all its value if it gets a new CFO. All the underlying assets and valuations immediately turn to dust if there's a personnel change in one of the corner offices. That's just how capitalism works, y'all.

The funniest part is that the climax of the episode is Steven proclaiming to his brothers that his inflated salary is justified by his expert handling of the ranch's massive debt. I went to business school, ya dumb rubes! Yet Steven cannot take charge of Galyna's equity deal because his calculator is broken. Come on, writers. Can we at least try to make this plausible??

Soccer Punch

I guess the producers were too busy choreographing their horse soccer scene to worry about plot. The British royals' polo hobby seems downright humble compared to the McBees' sport of choice. It involves two opposing teams of horse-mounted players trying to get their steeds to kick a giant beach ball through a goal.

We're meant to believe it's a cherished McBee tradition, except no one looks like they've ever done this before. Co-worker Tessa even gets thrown off her horse, landing her a bloody brow. I'm not even sure those were real horses. Steven might have made all the farmhands suit up in horse costumes for the spectacle. It's good to be the tsarevich. All of Daddy's serfs do whatever you tell them to.

After Tessa is trampled by her horse, Steven wards off a lawsuit by promising to feature her this episode and make it seem like he values his employees. This means the McBees grill up some burgers and call it a birthday party for Tessa. They surprise her by inviting her parents. Usually, the help on collective farms isn't allowed to see their families except at Christmas, so this is an incredibly generous gesture by the commissar. Tessa’s father even brings his out-of-tune balalaika.

Tessa apparently loves to sing, so the McBees grit their teeth as they listen to her do a few numbers. As far as I could tell, both of Tessa's songs were about Jesus, a long-lost lover, or her dog. The lyrics went as follows:

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus 
You're so cool 
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
I love you.

Or something like that. Either way, Tessa's big gift for her b-day is an all-expenses-paid trip to Nashville, professional recording session included. Look out Beyonce, there's a new country star in town. Just kidding. Beyonce ain't country no matter how many assless chaps she wears..

You'd like to think the gift package is a show of appreciation for the decades of service Tessa has put into the cause farm, but in reality (TV), it's just an excuse for the boys to go party in Music City. How much do you want to bet Dustin Lynch shows up? I think they've rented him out for the season, so it's better than even odds.

Good Bribes Only

With Nashville looming for next episode, this week is all about time back at home with the girlfriends. The McBee Dynasty seems to have adopted the same pattern as Farmer Wants a Wife, alternating between a travel “mixer” and being back at the farm each episode. Who will Cole pick for his next solo date?? Will Steven finally eliminate Calah?

Sadly, Calah is still the front-runner for Steven's belt buckle. She tells us that after a lot of ups and downs, she's decided to spend more time at the farm. She says she's “ready to be here if he wants me”.... and as along as the cameras are filming and he keeps wiring me my $20k monthly checks.

Even though Calah is all but living with Steven, he still refuses to call her his girlfriend. A new title usually means a raise, and Steven can't afford $40k a month at the moment. For now, all he can promise her is a pinkie swear of good vibes only. Yeah, Steven is totally ready to run a billion dollar business. So much adulting.

I'm so sick of this DTR nonsense. It's reaching the same level of idiocy as the pronoun game. Since when do people get to define and redefine words that have established meanings? If you're exclusive and having sex, she's your girlfriend. How long before people get married but are not ready to “label” each other husband and wife? Shut up, morons.

Cole is actually ahead of Steven in this department. He and Kacie are almost technically sort of ostensibly nearly official. She's his girlfriend, basically. He says Kacie makes him feel happy anytime she's around, so maybe that's love. He won’t call it 'love', but he's not calling it anything else either.

Cole even dangles the prospect of potentially moving in together soon. Since soon is a subjective word, it could mean next month or next decade. Why don't we redefine time along with everything else? What is a day really, or the Earth's rotation? That Galileo guy was a heretic anyway.

Spilling the Beanbags

No word on Kacie's salary negotiations, but Cole pinkie swears to YOLO, so there's that. We find out from Steve that Kacie, like Calah, does not work. In my mind, that does not automatically put her in the same category as trash panda Calah.

Kacie is not a walking blow-up doll whose face is a pincushion for botulism. She is not with Cole because he supports her, and is not, by all appearances, living an extravagant lifestyle. Most likely, she's still living with her parents if she can't afford her own place. To boil it down, Kacie is wifey material and Calah is plain old materialistic.

Nevertheless, Kacie is no dummy. If she and Cole were to settle down, she needs to make sure Calah doesn't bankrupt the family before her own kids get a cut. That means it’s time for Operation Cornhole.

As she, Cole, Jesse, and one of the twenty Alli's on this show play a game of cornhole, Kacie casually reveals Calah's regular “subsidies”, and I'm not talking about her botox injections.

Cole and Jesse are taken aback. They're both living hand-to-mouth on a working man's wage. Sure, their dad pays for their cars, homes, insurance, Netflix subscriptions, and gambling debts, but other than that they're broke. Did I mention they get free car washes?

Slack in the USSR

Cole and Jesse both decide to dramatically confront Steven the next day in his highfalutin upstairs office. Jesse first warns Cole that Steven is still their brother and “you know how he gets”.

How does he get? I'm guessing Steven gets a nosebleed and pisses his pants when he's stressed. That's why he can't handle the hedge fund deal Galyna's running. Those fancy NY bankers were tired of Steven pissing all over their expensive Italian leather chairs. Luckily for Steven, Cole is no MBA. He's no master debater either, although he is a master baiter. What? The man loves to fish.

With Jesse suddenly forgetting how to speak English, Cole is left to hold Steven's feet to the fire alone. He botches his attack from the start by first accusing Steven of sending Calah money the farm could use. Steven retorts that he's transferring his own cash, not the farm's liquidity. Good one, Steven. Emptying your life savings to pay off your gold-digging hooker is a great defense.

Cole then goes for the kill by arguing the amounts in question mean Steven is over-paid, and he and Jesse should get a raise. Again, this is not the point. Steven condescendingly explains that he makes ten times what his brothers make because he has to handle phone calls from all the banks the farm owes money to. He adds that if Cole and Jesse want to make more, they should grow better crops. Steven tells the camera, “this isn't Communist Russia”. “You get paid based on performance and what you bring to the table”.

Our Flag Means Debt

So what exactly is Steven bringing to the table? He just admitted that his entire job is managing the huge debt he's landed the farm in. How many more loans did he just take out to build the 13 new car washes opening this week? So Steven's big justification for his earnings is that he plunges the farm into catastrophic debt but also answers the phone. Meanwhile, it's Cole's fault the farm is in the red because it rained too much last year.

This is actually a classic Stalinist tactic. The guys in Moscow would spend money the country didn't have and crash the economy. Then, they would blame the farmers for intentionally sabotaging the crops and the mechanics for not finishing overly ambitious industrial projects on time. Wrecker Cole is this close to getting thrown in a gulag.

Just for theatrical flourish, Steven tells Cole that the only way he gets paid more is if Dad puts him in charge, and that's happening over Steven's dead body. Very dramatic, Steven. Does Cole not know all this posturing is for the cameras? He always seems like the only one who didn't get a script.

Regardless, Steven makes Cole's case for him. Cole should have taken this information directly to his father. Steve Sr. hates Calah and would be enraged to find out Steven is sending her that kind of money. Let Steven crow to his dad about Communist Russia as Steve's got him bent over his knee for a spanking.

The issue isn't whether Steven deserves his salary or is embezzling company funds. The issue is his total lack of judgment and lack of success. Papa Steve even admits to Tessa that if he handed over the reins to Steven, Calah would by default be the one in charge. Just because Steve doesn't like getting ultimatums, doesn't mean he can give one out to his son. It's Calah or the family. This is America, Steven. You get to choose your own fate.