The McBee Dynasty Recap: Episode 1
To McBee or not to McBee, That Is the Question
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Nobody ever:
Me: Here's your recap for The McBee Dynasty
And so it begins. I found another show no one watches to over-analyze. Of those who do watch, none will read a TL;DR recap, but here I am. You're welcome, America.
The McBee Dynasty (TMD) covers the McBee family, consisting of Steve Sr. and his sons Steve Jr., Jesse, Cole, and Brayden. Steve Sr. built his near $1 billion ranching and farming empire from scratch in Gallatin, MO. It encompasses 40k+ acres and several thousand heads of cattle (I took notes). Now he faces serious financial peril while contemplating who will eventually take over.
Most importantly, he owns a car wash and cafe. So it's Yellowstone meets Bob's Burgers. I've always wondered who will take over Bob's Burgers when Bob retires. You would think Tina, but Louise could be the dark horse. As for the McBees, it might be better if the horses just run the place. All four of the sons leave a lot to be desired.
The premiere episode of any new series is always rough. This is specially true in reality TV as the cast adjusts to cameras, and TMD definitely has a hard launch. The story seems very manufactured, and there's really no one to root for. So far, all the characters are unlikable or untrustworthy.
Still, I always appreciate when the entertainment industry creates programming for the other half of America, the one Hollywood would prefer didn't exist. I know it's not based on principle, but there's a lot of ad revenue consistently left on the table as conservative audiences are systematically ignored. This series airs on Peacock/USA, so credit to them for daring to feature people on TV who don't hate America, men, and white people. In this day and age, that counts as courage.
The Cattle Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree
Since the show is trying to set up a Succession -type conflict, let's start with the sons. It's borderline shocking that Steve had four boys in a small town and didn't name any of them Chase, Casey, or Ty. Brayden is the youngest, so good thing there wasn't a fifth son because it was coming.
Steve Jr., 28, is billed as the responsible one, relatively speaking. He was first in his MBA class and drinks almond milk. Cow's milk gives him a tummy ache and backne. In theory, Junior's the best candidate to run the place, except he previously starred on Joe Millionaire and is still dating the girl he met on that show. That's called a red freakin' flag. Holy cow almond!
Junior tells us that since there are no women within a 150 square mile radius, he has to import them from Nashville and Kansas City. When the supply chain crisis hit those pipelines, he had no choice but to go on a reality TV dating show. Makes total sense, right? Yikes. His prize from that game show is named Calah. Junior tells us they're exclusive, but he doesn't want to put any labels on it just yet. What a gent.
Then again, if you've got a multi-million net worth, it's probably wise not to enter into any legal arrangements with a wannabe fame-chaser. A good rule of thumb is if they're messing with their face before 40, keep it moving. If they're messing with their face after 40, hope you have a pre-nup. Do they teach divorce law in business school?
Third son Cole, 23, seems to be the main rival to Jr. in terms of taking over the business. He never misses an opportunity to smart-shame Steve Jr., and sees himself as the best guy to handle actual farm work. From first impressions, he seems most like his father in terms of being hard-nosed and having a blue-collar work ethic. He's been dating his girlfriend Kacie on and off for five years, but seems to leave her regularly to play the field, and I'm not talking about planting soybeans.
This seems to be a theme with all the McBoys, Steve Sr. included. Brother Jesse, 26, has been dating Alli for ten years, but won't marry her because he's made “mistakes” and doesn't want to repeat them in a marriage. Yeah, those aren't mistakes. They're called choices. Plus, if they do wed, his wife will be Alli McBee, which is way too close to Ally McBeal to pass up.
Good news is that even if Jesse whiffs on the TV tribute, youngest McBee Brayden's girlfriend is also called Aly. We're definitely getting at least one Calista Flockhart spin-off.
Brayden is only 20, so he gets a pass on bad behavior, but it sounds like the rest of the McBoys are prolific cheaters and, dare I say, carousers. Don't complain to me about having no women in a 150 sq. mile radius when it's the women who have no men around. Why else do you think they're settling for your cheating non-committing ass? And if you do eventually marry these girls, just know that they've been keeping score and will take everything in the divorce.
Rusky Business
That seems to be the case with Papa McBee, who divorced the boys' mom Kristi a year and a half ago. He all but admits to infidelity, and I doubt it's a coincidence that the ranch is now $50 mil in debt. Kristi definitely lawyered up. But we can pretend it was a bad planting season.
Showing that he's learned nothing, Steve is now banging the company CFO Galyna, a one-time Russian mail order bride. Dude. You cannot be this stupid. Just to ensure Galyna screws him in the end, Steve insists on an open relationship and that she can only sleep over two or three nights a week. Galyna says she lives at his house. I'm the captain now.
Man, you want to mess with a Russian? The woman married a complete stranger to better her life. I don't even fault her for it, but do you doubt how far she will go to serve her self-interest? 70 years of Communism has imprinted all Russians with an innate survival instinct that trumps all else. They live in a zero-sum game. Galyna has a kid, and she will run McBee Inc. into the ground if it’s between her daughter's future and the man who uses her for sex.
It seems like she's already in the process of destroying the business. First, as CFO, she approved a massive loan to build the car wash. A goddamn car wash! We're told Gallatin is a tiny town of 1700 people, but somehow this car wash is going to not only cover the excessive building loan but also Kristi's alimony the farm's losses?? I really hope this is a front for a fentanyl operation, or these people should not own a checking account.
One aside on car washes. They are the Air Jordans of rural America. People who are on welfare and can barely afford food will find a way to shell out money they don't have for a brand new pickup and then wash it like a cashmere sweater 3 times a week. Second aside on car washes. They are mani/pedis for men. They could do it for cheap at home, but going through those soft rubber brushes just lifts all their worries away. Don't even get them started on wax.
Still, unless “car wash” is code for money laundering, this is a terrible business decision. What happened to first in his MBA class? Did Junior go to business school at clown college?
Throwing good money after bad, Galyna's plan is to shore up the ranch's finances by arranging a $100 mil investment from a NYC hedge fund. No. Just no. Did you not watch Yellowstone? You never let those people in.
As Steve explains the plan to the boys, he frames it as a loan, but Galyna said “investment”. They are not the same thing. Steve can't afford a loan. This isn't maxing out your credit cards. This is equity, and these Ivy-League suits are going to have a lot to say about how you run your family farm now that they own part of it. Was selling land not an option? Sell the car wash first.
None of the boys has been to NYC, which is the first good thing we've heard about them the whole episode, but they all think the “loan” is a great deal. By the way, it's not like they haven't been on a plane to Vegas or Nashville, yet they talk about New York like it's going to the moon. It's more like Baghdad, so stay away. And if you do ever go, when a guy takes your wallet on the subway, that's not a loan either.
Grand Theft Tractor
Speaking of getting robbed, apparently it's just the cost of doing business in rural Missouri. Who knew? We see security cam footage of a black Charger casing the farm and then hauling off a dump truck. It's the fifth time the ranch has been burgled this year, to the point where Steve won't even file an insurance claim anymore.
What to make of this? We're told they have some sort of monitoring system, but this stuff just keeps happening. The farm has 250 employees, but they can't afford a night guard? How about a motion sensor alarm? I don't know. This very well could be real, but it could also be a scripted storyline meant to play up the Yellowstone outlaw narrative.
Or, and hear me out, this is part of the divorce deal. Kristi steals a $100k tractor every fiscal quarter and sells it to the chop shop one town over. Steve gets a tax write-off, and everyone's happy. It makes more sense than having zero leads in such a small community.
When the guys supposedly track down the thief to a nearby farm, they move out in a small armada, looking like there's about to be a shoot-out. Instead, all we get is audio of Steve asking some random farmer if he can inspect his barn for stolen goods. When the farmer says 'sure', Steve passes and calls it a day. Um, what? Is this a Lulu Lemon store in San Francisco or is this a badass ranch in cowboy country? Very low T.
Play with Fire, You Might Get Barned
The best part of the show, in my opinion, was getting to see actual farm work. For most of us, it's something we know very little about. This week, we learn the farm burns their fields each year before they sow them, in order to clear out all the detritus and bugs, I assume. They plow a track around the field to keep the fire from jumping over, but one change of the wind direction, and they nearly burn down the neighbor's house.
From the looks of it, this job is usually done by the hired farmhands, but the McBoys decided to put on a show for the cameras. No wonder Papa's insurance is at its limit. These boys are agents of chaos. Cole puts all the blame on Junior, but it seemed like a team effort of ineptitude. Still, they make it out alive, with Jesse suffering only mild third degree burns. No big deal. Just throw some dirt on it.
Once the job is done, it's time to celebrate at the barn. Junior even promises a night out to all the employees at Chicken & Pickle. What magical place is this?? So which came first, the chicken or the pickle? I just learned about another vaunted Missouri restaurant on Farmer Wants a Wife, Lambert's, where they pelt you with bread. At Chicken & Pickle, do they throw chickens at you, or pickles? Do they throw pickles at chickens? Do they pickle the chickens? So many questions.
I think that's it. It's an interesting show overall and a window into a segment of America we rarely see. You just hope the producers – here's looking at you, Junior – recognize that they don't need to gin up the plot with manufactured drama. Show us something real for a change. A little more quotidian Bob's Burgers, a little less operatic Yellowstone. It's called counter-programming. How 'bout it, McBoys?