What the hell was that? What was supposed to be the season finale felt more like a show canceled halfway through its scheduled run, with an exit as abrupt as The Gong Show. It was an Irish goodbye in TV form.
It's hard to explain the baffling ad hoc ending. Most likely, the initial script had the big company 4th of July party as the ultimate climax, but director Steven decided it wasn't climaxy enough. So he called back Cole and Jesse for a reshoot he wrote himself. This is going to test way better. Trust me, I went to an online business school accredited in the Philippines. I know what I'm talking about. You know Steven couldn't bear to not be the focus of the big closing scene.
This last-minute rewrite translates into an incoherent epilogue where Steve Sr. goes full Thelma and Louise, and Steven Jr. is magically anointed the new King McBee. There's no way this moronic coda isn't Steven's doing. Let's just be thankful he didn't add in a line where he tells his brothers he's Spider-Man and that he's actually been dead all along. Conveniently, we never get to hear Jesse and Cole's response. I guess they cut out the part where they gave Steven a wedgie and told him to go fuck himself.
Whatever this is, it's a disappointing finish to what was a very entertaining season. - example 257 of Steven running a good thing into the ground. Steven's office should have one of those eraser boards that reads “___ many days without a business failure”. It would always be at 0, just like the farm's account balance. Yeah, but Ape Pecks Apex will break it even, right?
Processed Feud
The ridiculous finish notwithstanding, let's go back to the beginning of the episode. It picks up where we left off last week, with Galyna chewing out Brooke. It's unclear if Brooke knew she was being ambushed, but Tessa definitely did. And she’s loving every second of it. Tessa hates Galyna and is all too happy to see her humiliated by another of Steve's mistresses.
Brooke even calls out Tessa for always being nice to her previously when her “boss” wasn't around. Good one, Brooke. Nothing enrages Tessa more than being reminded Galyna is her superior. Tessa retorts that her only boss is Steve, to which Brooke responds that he's now her boss too because she's his decorator. Double zinger. Nothing makes Tessa more jealous than being reminded that she's not Steve's only female employee. This isn't Brooke's first catfight. She hits you right where it hurts.
After she's wiped the floor with Tessa, Brooke tees up Galyna. Being Russian, you would think Galyna would come with the big guns, but she's been inhaling manure fumes for too long. All she's got for Brooke is a dig at her age, telling her she looks like she's 50. Actually, Brooke looks as good in this scene as she's ever looked, while Galyna's eye is manically twitching and she's wearing weird Minnie Mouse shoes. Brooke wins again.
When the wrecked Escalade comes up, Brooke lets Galyna know she's driven plenty of Steve's cars, which she used to take her son to a state championship. Nice humble-brag. Did Erena ever play in a state championship? For her final mic drop, Brooke puts Steve on speakerphone and asks him to take a side. He refuses to back Galyna, then adds that he's a grown man who answers to no one.
Ouch. Having your live-in boyfriend tell you you're on your own in front of his side-piece has to be a new low for Galyna. On the bright side, this should make Greg's financial rejection sting a little less. Galyna's having a hell of a week. Maybe Siberia isn't looking so bad right now.
All in all, it's a cage match TKO win for Brooke, and it wasn't even close. She had Galyna down on the mat from Round 1. Brooke came with the left hooker and finished off Galyna with the one two calm-ho. It was a total on-slut after that. Congratulations, Brooke. You are the featherweight trampion of the world!
Breed It and Weep
Not only did Brooke win me over this episode, but I am now a certified Calah stan. How quickly things change. After weeks of playing a gold-digging drunken leach, we finally get to see Calah's redeeming qualities, right before the show's credits run and credit line runs out.
The big reveal comes when Calah and Steven go on a date to an Italian restaurant called Olive Garden. Sorry, I meant Pizza Hut. That's what happens when Daddy's cash dries up. When the waiter informs the couple that all the eatery's food is locally sourced, Steven immediately gears up to sell them on the farm's cattle. Since this is Steven, it's a safe bet the restaurant owner said hell no. Sorry, we don't sell beef jerky and protein shakes here. Sir, this is a Wendy's.
If Steven can't sell his McBeef to the restaurateur, he at least has Calah as back-up. As she comments on their relationship's recent progress, Steven tells her he feels “more invested in us and what we're working on”. So romantic.
The more I watch these two, the more it feels like Calah is just another one of Steven's harebrained business ventures – a fake girlfriend meant to drive TV deals and social media engagement. She's not so much beard as she is a bad toupee, covering up Steven's patchy professional record.
Since Calah's the kind of girl whose greatest aspiration in life is to be Kylie Jenner, you would think she would be content with the current arrangement. However, Kylie Jenner has babies, Calah doesn't, and she's eager to get a few of those suckers added to her contract.
Steven is less inclined. When Jesse's impending proposal comes up, Steven balks at the thought of one of his brothers getting married and having children. His big concern is how kids will impact “family functions”. Um, if by family functions you mean hitting the bars with your dad, then yeah, a baby is a total buzzkill. If you're talking about barbecues and cornhole, then babies make everything better.
Steven's total aversion to marriage and family is not the sentiment Calah is looking for in a grown-up relationship. Funny, it's almost like going official on Instagram doesn't automatically translate into a man being ready for adult commitments. Shocking, right? When Calah asks who will get engaged next, Steven jokes baby brother Brayden and then Cole's first, second, and third marriages. Calah is not amused.
At this rate, Steve Sr. will marry Galyna before Steven pops the question. To be fair, Steven is right to hesitate. Calah is a divorce lawyer's dream and may or may not be a meth-head. However, if she is such a risk, why string her along? Plus, Steven loves money-losing schemes, so Calah should be a no-brainer. She's the Apex of future ex-wives. If you don't want me to think you're gay, Steven, then stop acting like it.
Steven urges Calah to have patience, telling her she's turning a cruise ship, not a Ferrari. Not quite. It's more like Calah's turning a cargo ship straight into the Francis Scott Key Bridge, and she's carrying a freight full of Ferraris onboard. When this ship goes down, it's taking everything with it.
After all the talk of moving forward and moving in together, the episode closes with Calah moving back to Dallas. She informs us she has no choice because she just set up her new $3k/month apartment. So much for spending more time at the farm. See ya, Sitka. Sorry, Mommy loves her fancy skyline views more than your hairy face.
Who knows what's real between these two, but at least Calah says the right things. She wants to get married and be a mother, and she's not afraid to put a timeline on it. Good for her. Team Calah all the way. Steven can go sell his buff-fellow meat to some other sucker. Calah's not buying this hot dog filler anymore.
A Marriage Broposal
You can't spell alimony without A-L-(L-)I. It's a race to see which one of the McBoys will get divorced first, but that starts with getting married. Jesse must have drawn the short straw because he is up. The whole season we've been hearing how youngest son Brayden is getting married any day now, but he wouldn't agree to have it filmed. That leaves Jesse.
He takes Alli on a sunset horse ride and pops the question with a big old diamond ring. Her shocked disbelief makes you realize she truly had given up on Jesse ever proposing. She keeps asking Jesse if this is a joke. Unlike Steven's business degree, it is not.
It is however a reality TV machination. If the show wasn't being filmed, would Jesse have proposed? Judging by Alli's reaction, it seems unlikely. Who said Steven being a fame-whore had no upside? Now he can put matchmaker on his resume. It's more credible than cowboy.
Nevertheless, these two are a sweet and well-adjusted couple in a sea of dysfunction, so congratulations. The funniest part is that Alli is so frazzled by the proposal, she doesn't even kiss Jesse after he gives her the ring. We already know she won't let him play bongos on her ass like she did the stripper, but now she won't even kiss Jesse. I guess he'll just have to wait for the wedding night. Maybe this is a Pretty Woman type deal, or Jesse has really bad breath.
You know these two are meant to be because they're wearing matching Wrangler jeans. I'm thinking an all-denim wedding is in the works. Just in time; Steven is starting his own jeans line called Jeanius. He only needs a $25 billion loan to get it off the ground. Any takers? Anyone??
Putin on the Ritz
Well, we definitely know Greg the hedge fund manager won't be investing in Steven's new jeggings. Last episode he made Galyna a final offer of $20 million, but this week it's down to zero. After a season's worth of hype, it all turned out to be hype. I guess offering cheap coffee at the car wash wasn't the revolutionary idea Steven thought it was. It's as groundbreaking as offering handjobs at a massage parlor.
Regardless, the deal is dead. Since this was her big showpiece, Galyna is crestfallen. She heartbreakingly describes the failure as a reflection of her worth and tells us that in light of Greg's refusal, she is no longer important. Galyna adds that now she's “just another Brooke”.
You wish you were as important as Brooke! Her son went to the state championships! Beat that. Let's not lump you losers in with that winner. Unlike Steve's sons, Brooke's kid is actually good at something. Plus, I heard he's got a sick face tattoo.
Once it becomes clear the hedge fund isn't going to write Steven a blank check to stroke his ego, it's up to Galyna to break the news to everyone. Unfortunately for the editors, even though the McBees just metaphorically lost their shirts, they kept their real shirts on. That gives away the actual timeline of Galyna's conversations with both Steve and Steven, i.e. they both already knew.
First up, we see a far-off shot of Galyna informing Steve Sr. of the developments. He is wearing the same piss-yellow shirt he wore to bank last episode when he needed an urgent loan for a hot dog factory. It's Steven's latest gambit. The twist is they're using real dog meat. Did you know dog meat is extra lean and non-GMO? It can't miss.
What are the odds Steve would be casually applying for an unrelated cash advance the exact same day Galyna told him they just lost their other expected cash advance? How about zero?
Conveniently, both Galyna and Steve are not wearing their mics, so we'll never know exactly what was said. Clearly, Steve already knew and that's why the producers had to cut the sound and pretend they weren't wired. That, or he blamed it all on Steven Jr., who then demanded the scene be muted.
Instead of getting to witness the moment Galyna tells Steve he's bankrupt, we get only the curated aftermath. Steve comes into Galyna's office and is more disappointed than mad. In theory, he's about to lose his entire company, but he doesn't betray a hint of anger. Compare this with how enraged he was when the McBoys were wrestling on the roof. Yeah, there’s no way he just found out and is this calm.
Steve does mention the stress is enough to make him want to disappear, which is the best explanation for the creative writing at the end of the episode. Steven probably thought that throwaway line was enough to make the mess of a final scene seem plausible. Spoiler alert: it didn't. The other thing Steve brings up is that after all these years, he's still struggling to make payroll, by which he means all the whores he's paying to sleep with him.
Speaking of Brooke, her little showdown with Galyna exposes another editing faux pas. The black sweater Galyna wears during their supposedly unplanned tête-à-tête reappears when she talks to Steven about the equity deal going bust.
Since Galyna refuses to wear McBee logo tees every single day of her life, her outfit just gave away the truth. It means the whole Brooke confrontation was a set-up planned for a busy day of shooting, not some random Saturday run-in. It also indicates Steven's conversation with Galyna was no spur of the moment confession. It was a reenactment scheduled for the same day. Since the loan fell through, the McBees can only afford the camera crew once a week.
The plot manipulation further casts doubt on Steven's ham-fisted assertion that he had no idea any of this was happening. He arrogantly proclaims that if he was running the farm, none of this would happen. Dude, shut the fuck up. You're the fucking CEO of the company and the car washes are your brainchild (he even bragged about it on X). Way to throw your dad and close friend under the bus once things don't go your way.
Is this whole show just Steven's fan fiction starring himself? He really thinks the audience is going to watch this and think he's the hero, riding in on his white horse to save the imperiled family empire. Hey asshat, you're the one who literally bet the farm on gas station coffee. You're more Nero than hero, playing the fiddle as Rome burns. Shut up, Steven.
Ranch and Rave
If Steven has contributed anything to the farm, it's spray-painting a giant fake corncob silver for the annual Corn Star award. It's the first project we've ever seen Steven complete successfully. Too bad he sprays it indoors and poisons the entire staff with metallic paint fumes, but that's a minor detail. Just add it to the list of OSHA violations.
The winner is to be announced at the upcoming 4th of July company party. It's the Dundys come to life, and Steven is Michael Scott. Except Michael Scott was a semi-competent office manager. Steven is semi-retarded at best.
In what is supposed to be evidence of Steve's mental breakdown after the equity deal collapse, we're treated to multiple shots of him taking shots at the party, as if this isn't what he does every party and every weekend and every Taco Tuesday. Steve's drinking problem is practically his fifth son. Actually, it’s his fourth son and Brayden is the fifth. Ask yourself, who gets more airtime? Yet somehow his drinking this day is supposed to be a red flag. Uh, sure.
The McBoys are further “disturbed” by Steve's rant at the presentation of the Corn Star. He launches into an expletive-laden rant about how ag isn't for everyone and it's a man's job. If you can't handle the wheat, then get the fuck out of the kitchen! You can't handle the trough! When all is said and done, more is usually sod than dung! With great plower comes great responsibility! Etc.
This outburst allegedly leaves Jesse speechless, except it's the same behavior he's seen from his father every day of his life. The only anomaly I saw was Steve being friendly with Calah. Now that's a cry for help. Everything else is just the standard McBee shitshow.
Look, I am Your Farmer
This all leads to the ridiculous ending. It's not so much a cliffhanger as just going off a cliff. After an episode chock-full of dodgy editing and non sequiturs, the last few moments take the cake.
The final five minutes of the episode feature non-speaking shots of Steve going through his sock drawer and driving his truck. Next it cuts to Steven telling Cole and Jesse their dad's gone AWOL and Steven's in charge now. Huh?? Is this a coup or did the McBees just run out of money for the film crew? Maybe they needed that equity deal more than we thought. Apparently they can't even keep the lights on.
None of this makes sense. It feels like Steven dug up some b-roll footage of Steve Sr. riding around town and tries to pass it off as a big getaway scene. It's like the final scene of The Graduate but less real. Now, it wouldn't be crazy to think Steve just got tired of the whole show and refused to film anymore, but handing over the entire farm's reins to Steven - off camera no less - without telling his other sons is as believable as Steven's LinkedIn bio.
Are we sure Steven didn't kill his father and throw him in the sausage grinder at the new meat facility? I think that's the plot of Hamlet, and something is definitely written in Denmark – like the ending of this episode that was then Google-translated into English. My best guess is either Steven has been in charge the whole time, or this is a total charade supposed to sell NBC/Peacock on a second season.
Whatever the truth, it's not what we're shown. The end of the episode says “To be continued...”, but that's more a plea to NBC to renew them. What should have been a dramatic season finale instead felt like a mid-episode commercial break. I was waiting for them to come back after the psoriasis ad and have Cole beating the shit out of Steven. Now that would be a dramatic close to a quality season.
Unfortunately, Steven's the showrunner and intent on making himself the star. Classic Napoleon complex. Because Steven is short and was fat in high school, we all have to pretend he's good at business, is god's gift to women, and has earned the respect of everyone on the farm. I've seen Teletubbies episodes more plausible. What's next? Cole can read above a 4th-grade level and Jesse is the Messiah? Come on, man.
I know reality TV isn't real, but The McBee Dynasty has given us some of the realest TV this side of the Jeopardy hosting stakes. Sure, the set-ups are scripted, but none of these cast members are actors. In the end, intentionally or not, we got to see the true story of a working farm and complex family in a part of America all but forgotten. That's why this ending is such a letdown.
I want to root for a second season, but this botched finale is a clear indication Steven has his manicured hands all over this thing. If you give him another season, it would be nothing but a over-wrought telenovela with Steven as the swarthy caballero breaking hearts and the bank. If that's the case, let's end it right here.
I can only imagine the manufactured plots Steven's ego would demand from the producers in a Season 2. Does the world really need to see Steven launch his new chain of kangaroo burger restaurants, Burger Kang? Or Cole run over Dustin Lynch with his tractor after the singer steals away Kacie? Or Jesse accidentally sleep with the wrong Aly a week before his wedding? What about Calah freezing her eggs and then injecting them in her face for extra lift? Or Galyna playing Russian Roulette in a Vietnamese prison camp? Or Steve dating Erena?
Nah. I'm good. But thanks for the memories. It was one hell of a ride. Too bad Steven ran it into the ground. It's what he does best. He rides it hard and puts it away dead. R.I.P. The McBee Dynasty. Gone too soon.