Steven may suck at business, have terrible taste in women, and potentially be in the closet, but he produces a hell of a television show. This week, The McBee Dynasty puts the reality back in reality TV, dialing up the personal revelations to 11. It's borderline shocking how much these people reveal of themselves, and I'm not just talking about Cole's butt crack.
If only Steven was this successful in scripting his real life. When it comes to the farm, he's about to sink the whole family with his delugings of grandeur. A flood of Steven's poor decisions has the company reaching for the equity lifesaver to keep their finances afloat, and now it's all about to tank. Maybe hedge fund manager Greg didn't appreciate his wife getting molested by a stripper.
If the dam's about to break, then this is definitely the right time to invest in a brand new sausage factory, and I'm not just talking about Steve's weekend plans. The ranch is literally buying a meat processing facility in Iowa, just in time for the bloodbath. It sounds to me like Steve needs a place to make some corpses disappear, and I'm not just talking about dead cows. Hope you like your black pudding extra cannibally.
Engagement Enragement
We see yet another example of Steve's largesse when Alli shows the girls her new five-bedroom home built by...wait for it...McBee Custom Homes. I'm sure Jesse totally paid for this McMansion out of pocket with no help from Dad.
The house comes with a movie theater, a game room, and a sex dungeon. Just kidding - Alli only does that stuff with strippers. All told, the house looks like every NBA player's Cribs tour, except those guys have multi-million contracts. Jesse drives multi-million corn tractors. Not the same thing.
So obviously, this home was built on Steve's dime. Maybe he wrote it off as a model home and Jesse simply gets to live in it like in Arrested Development. By the way, in that show the patriarch ends up in prison. I can't wait for next season when Steven Jr. is running a hot dog stand. Alli could probably help him since she's a wiener expert after her experience with Damien the stripper.
For now, she's the one being grilled. Calah, as Steven's assistant producer, is badgering Alli about her marriage plans to drum up the drama. Calah tells Alli she should give Jesse an ultimatum before she moves in. Yeah, this from the girl who accepts $20k transfers from a guy who won't call her his girlfriend. Thank you for your sage relationship advice, ya hooker. Actually, Calah's growing on me, but never mind that.
Alli says she's avoided the engagement conversation for ten years because Jesse gets mad when she brings it up. We see Jesse's unhinged temper in action when Alli floats the subject later on. She insinuates that if Jesse won't propose before they move in, she might break up with him. This sends Jesse into a white-hot rage. He sighs heavily, furrows his brow, and gives Alli a slightly annoyed look. Wow. Somebody needs anger management classes, am I right?
The funniest part is that Alli responds, “I don't like it when you're angry”. What? That's angry?? I'm still confused as to how Jesse turned out this mild-mannered and normal growing up in this family. My guess is he was accidentally forgotten at a gas station when he was ten and was taken in by a bunch of monks. He truly is the Michael Bluth of the series. Steven is Lindsay, Cole is Buster, and Brayden is an extra that appeared in one episode.
In the end, it's all a red herring because Alli's already moved in and is putting wine glasses away as she threatens to dump Jesse. Yeah, like she's giving up the popcorn machine and free car washes. Jesse helps her stock the bar with a cocktail set and a decanter, which he assumes is a vase. The only thing Jesse ever puts alcohol in is a red solo cup, so you can forgive his ignorance.
Let's just hope Alli can also forgive his explosive outburst. I mean, he almost rolled his eyes at her. Get a grip, ya psycho!
The Son Will Come Out to Borrow
As Jesse grapples with inner demons, Cole is struggling with his inner semen. While out on a date with Kacie, he lets her know he wants to spice up their sex life. If Cole is asking for a threesome with stripper Damien, that can definitely be arranged. Damien's hot dog stand is always open for business, just give him a call at 1-800-WIENERS.
As Cole and Kacie negotiate terms, it turns out Cole's definition of spicy sex is Kacie role playing as a crazy ex-girlfriend. Basically, this is the longest Cole has ever gone without cheating on Kacie, and he's missing their rage bangs. Yeah, that's not a good omen. He's already bored with her after a month of fidelity.
Then again, it may not even be a month. Kacie has spotted a pic of Cole on the Insta feed of Kylee, Steve's Nashville ho. Kylee mysteriously only posts pictures with Steve's sons but not with her sugar daddy. Hey, Kylee's no dummy. She knows diversifying her portfolio is smart business. Maybe she'll get her own car wash. Steven isn't the only one who can run a pyramid scheme here.
Not only is Steve sharing his hookers with Cole, he's also grooming him in other aspects. To that end, he brings Cole along to a local bank where he's asking for yet another loan, this time for $250k. Ominously, the place is called Bank of Odessa. I'm not sure if that's Odessa, Ukraine, or Odessa, Texas, but between Galyna and this place, Steve's in way too deep with the Russian mob.
You know this is an urgent loan because Steve and Cole both wear collared shirts. Steve's shirt is bright yellow, and it's a good warning to the loan officer that he's about to buy another lemon. Luckily for Steve, banker Joe is clearly scared for his life and authorizes the loan on the spot. He even makes the check personally out to Steve, as you do with a legitimate business loan.
It's one more indication that there's more to Steve's success than just hard work. I'm getting Sopranos vibes here, and it would explain a lot. Every time the McBees complain about how the whole town hates them for their success, I can't help but think there's more to the story. How many locals have been roughed up by Steve's goons? Then there's the fact that Steve slept with all their wives and daughters.
Steve even jokes at the bank that he brought Cole along as the muscle, and it might be one of those jokes that's funny because it's true. Steve also assures Joe that “Apex will break it even”. That's one of those jokes that's funny because it's so far from the truth it's absurd. Unless Steve means Ape Pecks - Steven's nickname – will break your bones if you don't issue this loan, those silly little energy bars aren't breaking anything but bad.
Adversity, Equity, and Illusion
Unfortunately for Galyna, her equity deal isn't going as smoothly as Steve's bank heist. Sexually violating the wife of hedge fund manager Greg didn't have the intended effect - Greg lives in New York, so he's used to his wife getting assaulted. He lets Galyna know he can only offer her a measly $20 million, which is pocket change in the Monte Carlo of the West known as Gallatin, MO.
Galyna insists that without the full $105 mil, other car wash competitors will be able to infiltrate the market. That's a new wrinkle in this cautionary tale. That means Steven's brilliant plan was to plunge the farm into generational debt so he could dominate an entire sector the McBees have almost zero current presence in. Wow. Steven really thinks he's Elon Musk.
Dude, just because you print up some t-shirts with your logo on it does not mean you're a viable company. You have to actually make money, lots of money. At this rate, the season finale is going to be the McBees selling the farm to a Chinese-owned conglomerate. How do you say cowboy in Mandarin?
For now, Galyna withholds the bad news from Steve, but I did notice that in the preview for next week, he's wearing the same yellow shirt when she finally tells him. Maybe that urgent $250k for the “meat plant” was actually an emergency stop-gap for Steven's meatball plan. Either way, Galyna is stressed. It doesn't help that Steve is keeping her at arm's length and Steven is urging her to break things off with his dad.
In an absolutely heart-breaking scene, Galyna tells Steven that she knows who his father is, but she is committed to staying with him for life no matter how much he hurts her. She describes Steve as her person, and says she doesn't want to change him. Her only struggle is, in her mind, if she can adapt herself to accept Steve's faults. What a gut-wrenching take. Essentially, there's nothing Steve could do to make her leave. That's just sad.
Galyna's consolation prize, like with Alli, is a brand new house. It's even going to have a hibachi grill. Perfect. Steven's going to need somewhere to grill his hot dogs when that's the only revenue stream the McBees have left. Maybe Greg will loan him $100 mil so he can corner the buffalo brat market nationwide. Wait until Greg hears it's hot dogs and coffee. We're revolutionizing the wiener game, Greg. You in? No, Steven, he's not in. Go get a real job already.
Rom-Palm
Should we talk about hot dogs some more? How about Kristi Noem's shot dog? No? Okay, how about we talk about childhood trauma. That's fun. We get the origin stories for both Galyna and Steve this episode, and it now makes sense why they're together. They've bonded over their mutual rejection by their parents.
Galyna's father was a traditional domineering caveman who wished Galyna was a boy. He didn't want her to get an education or wear pants. As proof, we see a photo of him dressed like the Beastie Boys. Wearing his red Adidas track suit and disco sunglasses, he looks like every Slavic gangster ever. I'm pretty sure he's the president of Chechnya now. This would explain Galyna's love of con-men and being in the red.
On Steve's end, he was thrown out of the house by his mother when he was 12. Apparently, she was a Pentecostal nut and a palm reader told her one of her children was the Antichrist. She immediately knew which one it was. It wasn't Uncle Jimmy, that's for sure. Abandoning your child based on a palm reading is truly unhinged. Everyone knows you decide which kids to keep or throw out based on astrology, or at least tarot cards. Then again, are we sure Steve isn't the Antichrist? Where's the proof?
In all seriousness, it would rationalize Steve's reluctance to break ties with Galyna and ask her to leave his home. As much hurt as Steve felt being turned out with nowhere to go, he is unwilling to inflict the same pain on someone he loves. And he does love Galyna. Interestingly, he wavers when asked if he's in love with her, but he doesn't deny it either. He even tells Galyna if he was the marrying kind, he would choose her as his wife. Dang Steve, you old romantic.
Too Many Brookes in the Kitchen
Not quite. Steve likes sharing his home with all his girlfriends, not just Galyna. That means Brooke too, who despite the staged break-up in the park, is definitely still sleeping with Steve. Steve offers her the keys to his Nashville home so she can “redecorate” it. Um, like she “redecorated” Galyna's Escalade?
We just saw the Nashville house and it looked amazing. I shudder to think what Brooke will do to it. I hope the McBees like black on black crime, because that's what Brooke's about to do to that beautiful home. Their party pad is about to look like a Tim Burton set.
Tessa is tasked with handing over the keys to Brooke at HQ on a Saturday, and she is shocked, shocked I tell you, to see Galyna is in the office on the weekend. Now remember, Tessa told us last week that she and Galyna have had issues in the past, and it feels like those issues are not settled. That's probably why Tessa goes out of her way to alert Galyna to Brooke's imminent arrival and the reason for her visit.
Galyna's head starts spinning 360º and she crows in Russian, “they're all artists, artists!” So this isn't the first time Steve banged the interior decorator? It's probably the whole reason he has a home building business. What trollop is in charge of designing Galyna's hibachi grill? You know Tessa's real McBeef is that she's the only woman Steve's ever worked with that he didn't bang. No wonder she's starting shit between Galyna and Brooke.
Since Galyna can't help herself, she goes downstairs to confront Brooke, as if Brooke is the one treating Galyna like garbage. Displacing your anger with a cheating partner onto his mistress is a tale as old as time. Beyonce does it all the time, set to music.
Still, no matter how many times you tell Brooke to go fuck herself, Steve's the dog here. And he's not even a hot dog. Kristi Noem would know what to do. Come on, gals. Pour some lead into Steve's buns and watch him fry.