With the final decisions coming next week, let's make some predictions. They will definitely all be wrong, but that's what predictions are for.
Mitch picks Sydney - Mitch and Kait didn't kiss on her home visit, so you would think Sydney has the edge. However, Mitch loves his mama and Jesus, and they both want him to pick Kait. This feels like it could be an upset, but I'll play the odds and go with Sydney. I picked Melanie in my pre-season predictions because I thought Sydney was too young, but Kait's even younger, so child bride it is.
Brandon picks Grace – Brandon seemed checked out on both his hometown trips, and my sense is he just wants this to be over. His heart was set on Joy, and his ego and heart are still licking their wounds. He can see Emerson is insincere, so Brandon will begrudgingly go with Grace, but it's just for TV. Grace was my favorite going in, but this feels anticlimactic at best.
Nathan picks Taylor – Does this even need an explanation? Makenzie was my pre-season favorite, and I will always wonder what could have been.
Ty picks Megan – She rides horses and wears a short skirt on their last date. That's all Ty needs to know. I initially picked a girl who didn't make it past the speed dates because I assumed Ty likes big boobs. Even if I got the wrong girl, I'm taking partial credit for getting Ty's vibe right.
Whomever they choose, I'm just glad it's over. Other than Nate and Taylor, none of these couples will last. Let's just put them and us out of our misery.
Mitchell
Stewpid is as Stewpid Does
So this one's confusing. Either it's what you see is what you get and Mitch is just humoring Kait, or production is setting us up for a shock ending.
In LA to meet Kait's mother Kim, brother Jackson, and fellow wannabe influencer BFF Shayna, Mitch's demeanor does not bode well for Kait's prospects. He is spewing non-committal drivel in response to every question and serving up empty words. The problem is that's what Mitch does in every conversation. Shayna's five layers of eye shadow have more depth.
Mitch knows that if he just says the word ma'am enough times, Kait's mom will think he's a gentleman. If he gives a firm handshake and says he wants to make Kait happy, Jackson will think he's a stand-up guy. And if he describes Kait as nurturing and wise, Shayna couldn't care less because she's just happy to be on TV. She probably applied to the show as well and is now living vicariously through Kait.
If anyone in Kait's life was actually interested in sizing up Mitch, they'd be very concerned when his chief praise of Kait is that she's a good cook and would be a good mother. Now, there's nothing wrong with being a housewife, but it shouldn't be all house and no wife. Mitch isn't hiring a housekeeper. Then there's the fact that the two of them never have anything to say to each other. You can't build a marriage on stew alone.
The Prodigal Sunset
Kait and Mitch’s awkward connection is on full display when the producers make them shoot a beach picnic scene with the sun setting in the background. Some junior cameraman really thinks he nailed this one. Sorry, a sunset by the beach is not romantic if the two people involved have the chemistry of a dolphin choking on a plastic bag.
This is still LA, and just because Kait and Mitch are framed in a close-up, it doesn't mean all of the city's sewage isn't emptying into the ocean a few feet away. And I'm not talking about a drainage pipe. It's just homeless junkies taking a dump in the water.
Kait and Mitch take turns thanking each other, telling each other how much they appreciate each other, and blankly staring at each other as Kait tries to get Mitch to kiss her. He never goes for it, but it felt like he was on the verge several times. Mitch being the little Mitch that he is, he was probably waiting on Kait to make the move. I need you to make me feel wanted, Kait. Show me how much you care! Yuck.
So what would make Mitch pick Kait? There are two factors. Kait is his mother's clear favorite, and all Mitch wants in life is for other people to make tough decisions for him. Having his mother's guidance might be the cover he needs to avoid deciding for himself. The other advantage Kait has is that cross she wears front and center around her neck. She even got Shayna to wear her cross for the day too. Mitch is hot for Jesus, and Kait knows it.
In the end, it will come down to who Mitch loves more – God or deer. He doesn't care about either girl anyway; he's just looking for a prop for his cowboy cosplay. Will it be a shotgun wedding or a hot nun wedding? We'll find out next week.
Brandon
If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join Emerson
Brandon has lost his Joy, and seemingly his will to live. When he visits Emerson in Iowa, he looks as excited as a potato to see her. It doesn't help when Emerson's mom serves baked potatoes for lunch.
It's supposed to be a welcoming gesture, but Brandon secretly hates potatoes – we already learned he hasn't served them once to the girls their whole stay. Maybe his mother cooked potatoes every night growing up. We know how much Brandon hates his mom.
Freudian resentments aside, Brandon simply appears checked out. He had strong feelings for Joy, and he's just here so he doesn't get fined. As dramatic as the fall-off has been from Brandon and Emerson's first meeting, you almost get the sense something was said off camera. Did she tell him she hates the Broncos? Maybe it's politics, an issue Farmer Wants a Wife would never address even though it's critical. Something happened.
Still, the show must go on, so Brandon politely indulges Emerson's sweet rural family. He describes how he loves farming because he gets to work hard during the growing season and then reward himself in the offseason. What, like a cruise? I would love to know what Brandon does when he's not fixing sprinklers. What is this secret double life he's alluding to?
It probably just means going skiing, but I'm holding out hope Brandon is a professional poker player/spy in his downtime.
As with Grace, Brandon is then taken to the woodshed by Emerson's siblings, this time literally. By the way, her brother is named Sutton, and her sister's name is the mind-boggling Kate-Brileigh. WTF. Emerson got lucky, all things considered. Her name could have been Jane-Kazsandrah. Are her parents in some sort of Scrabble cult? People, your children are not Twitter handles. This is not okay.
I'm going to abbreviate her sister to KB. Said KB asks Brandon what he likes about Emerson, and he cites her confidence and self-awareness. This apparently floors KB. She tells the camera that it means Brandon dug deep and looked past Emerson's looks. She reiterates the point to Emerson, and it seems like someone is jealous of her prettier sister. KB might also be jealous Emerson got a normal name she doesn't have to spend five minutes spelling out each time she calls a doctor's office.
After Brandon gets the family's approval, Emerson takes him on a tour of her farm, and it is massive. Grace won on the indoor score, But Emerson hits a homerun on the outdoors. Too bad she admits she only dates city boys and left this life behind long ago. Emerson's farm cred is basically a case of stolen valor. This is her parents' preferred home, not hers.
Nevertheless, Emerson wants to win this game show, so she assures Brandon she really wants to live this lifestyle and “this is who I am, nothing fake about it”. That means it's definitely fake. It almost feels like she's responding to some previous doubts Brandon has expressed in private.
The real kicker is when Emerson adds that she definitely believes “there could be a connection... down the line”. Oof. So what Emerson is saying is that she's not feeling Brandon now, but if he crowns her Miss FOXy Farmer 2024, she might consider his merits at a later date, perhaps. It's a love IOU from IOwa. Yeah, this ain't it.
Tellingly, Emerson gets no kiss at the end of their chat, even though she is clearly angling for one. Brandon deftly holds her off, and just like with Kait and Mitch, this is a no kiss locus.
So Grace it is, except Brandon is still pining for Joy. At this point, Brandon is just making me sad. This has become a tragic tale of unrequited love. Don't worry, Brandon. Next week the show is over and you can reward yourself in the off-season. Skiing, spying, stalking Joy - the good times are right around the corner.
Nathan
Ready and Navel
Why are we even bothering with this charade? Taylor reveals to us that Nate has “reassured” her, while Nate tells Taylor's father he's never had these kind of feelings for a girl. Allye who?
It's a done deal. Look, at the end of the day, you want shows like this to result in true love, but when the outcome is this transparent, the couple should have the option of making their decision early and getting the hell off our screens. Nate and Taylor should have been off the show five weeks ago. Watching Kenzie and Allye go on random farmers.com dates would have been way more entertaining than this sure thing.
The only interesting part of their segment is that Taylor works at a salon called Blondtourage. Yikes! All her co-workers live up to the name, and it's a red flag with ombré highlights. At least we can now confirm Taylor isn't a real blonde. Still, as a lover of terrible puns, this goes too far. May I suggest Distance Makes the Heart Grow Blonder and Blonde Mower. On second thought, maybe Blondtourage isn't so bad.
Incidentally, Taylor-Blondtourage is also the name Emerson's parents were considering if they had another daughter. Thank god Sutton was a boy.
Ty
Ain't Too Proud to Meg
Ty's visit with Megan's family is more of the same from last week. He shows up in his Canadian tuxedo, dodges questions about kids, and tells Megan she looks pretty. Great. Whatever.
The most revealing part of the scene is that we find out Megan is white. Who knew? We get to meet her brothers, Cody and Cameron, who are both pale redheads. Plus, Cody and Cameron are the whitest names ever.
It means Megan is wearing a pound of bronzer, and now I'm questioning everything. She's definitely a class act, but this physical artifice would explain a lot of her indulgence of inferior Ty. Fake tan, fake smile, fake heart-eyes. Now it all makes sense.
As for the kids question, when Megan's mom asks Ty about having a family, he notes that another kid would mean he'd still be parenting at 60. For once, I'm going to take Ty's side. That is an absolutely valid point. Ty's time is up. The problem here is not his reluctance to have children, but the producers' insistence on pairing him with women who do want them.
As with most reality TV shows, Farmer Wants a Wife is run by evil sadists. Sure, Ty is sometimes vague about his parameters, but ultimately, it's not hard to read between the lines. If you want to hire a senior cowboy, go out and find some middle-aged divorcées who already have kids. My guess is that would be a deal-breaker for TY, but again, that's a casting issue.
Ty should have never been chosen for this show. He's not even especially good-looking. What is his appeal? He can barely form a coherent sentence and I'm not even sure he can read.
Thankfully, when Ty goes for his last sit-down with Megan, her dog Howie cock-blocks him from getting any more kisses. Ty remarks that Howie is protecting Megan, and my guess is that when Ty leaned in for a kiss, Howie growled in his face and pissed on his belt buckle. Howie knows a bitch when he sees one. Keep your dirty paws off my mom, you mongrel.
God bless you, Howie. You're the best man on this show. Megan should pick you for her final decision, and Ty can go lick his balls somewhere else.
Oops. It turns out Megan’s dog is a she and is named Callie. It really sounds like Megan says Howie when introducing the pooch, so I’m not sure if Callie transitioned or what. Just in case, my apologies for deadnaming her. One episode to go. I’m just trying to finish out the season.