Farmer Wants a Wife Recap: Season 2 Episode 2
The Ends Justify the Mean Girls
The farmers all head back home this week with their first 24-hour date in tow. All except Nathan, who gets stood up and ends up having a romantic candle-lit dinner with his dog. Embarrassing. His dog (name?) decides there was no spark and that she'd rather just stay friends. Ouch.
For the guys that have real dates, it means a full day of relaxed fun before the other women stampede into town. Once they do, all hell breaks loose, mainly thanks to Reba.
Someone's meds are acting up because Reba forgets how to speak English during her solo date with Brandon but then starts speaking in tongues when she sees him smile at a girl named Joy. She then writes a country song about a hussy named Joylene stealing her man. Chill, girl.
Some of us tune into dating shows to see the male-female dynamic, not a bunch of girls bitching at each other. What if the show's format was reversed? Each girl would get a full week with her farmer, with a day of group activities in between. It would mean a lot more romance and a lot fewer mean girls. Just a thought. Here's looking at you, season 3.
Mitchell
Sod 'Em and Gomorrah
There are no mean girls on Mitch's farm, and not much of anything else as far as we can see. He just bought his property and it's unclear if he has any crops or animals. So he's just a guy with a cabin and a bunch of land. That also describes the Unabomber. I'm sure it's fine.
Kiana is his first date, and she really is a catch. Kudos to Farmer Wants a Wife for finding quality girls and not just desperate fame seekers. Any guy would be lucky to end up with Kiana and many of the other ladies. The jury's still out on the men.
Mitch and Kiana go for a speedboat ride, and he tells her how he almost died getting crushed by a double-wide mobile home. How do you get squashed by a whole house and live?? Is Mitch Superman? This calls the entire plot of The Wizard of Oz into question.
Regardless, this experience has left Mitch with a uniquely positive outlook on life. Maybe that's why he looks high all the time; he's high on life. Or we just figured out what he's growing on his farm.
After a good time with Kiana – but no kiss – the other girls arrive. “Model” Brittany notes that Mitch's log cabin reminds her of an Airbnb. She gives it only 3 stars because of the giant buck head hanging on the wall and the bad lighting for her Insta stories.
Country girl Sydney gives it 5 stars plus a blue ribbon and a gold medal. She shows up in her camo shirt and is living her best Bass Pro Shops life. She's already decided Mitch is the perfect man. Just because he owns a boat doesn't mean he's a dreamboat. Keep your eyes open, Sydney.
The next day, the girls are all put to work. Since there's nothing to grow or feed, Mitch makes them plant an herb garden in his backyard. I think those “herbs” usually do better in hothouses, but what do I know. Brit mugs and squeals her way through the task, making it obvious she's not cut out for life on a farm.
Meanwhile, Sydney plows a whole field with only a fork, digs a well with a spoon, and hunts a skunk for dinner. This Jersey girl came to play. In spite of that, when the card from JNet comes telling Mitch to send a girl home, he opts to keep Brit for another day. He's going to need her tomorrow when they move his double-wide.
Nathan
Guest-busters
Young gun Nathan heads back to his Florida farm alone after his chosen date Makenzie has a family emergency. Her father has some sort of medical issue. I hear he swallowed a bug.
After a 24-hour literal solo date, the other four girls arrive. Kristin from California says it’s her first time in the Sunshine State, joking that Nate's taking her Florida virginity. Okay. Well, if it's your maiden voyage, welcome. Florida is just like California but without the thousand-year curse and human poop on the sidewalk. Enjoy your stay.
Unlike Mitch, Nate has a working farm so he puts the girls to work. Their mission is to spray weed killer. This involves face masks and jet packs, which the girls liken to Ghostbusters equipment. That's actually funny, but maybe too soon considering Nate just got ghosted by Makenzie.
Nate decides that out of the four, Allye does the best job not getting eaten by a gator. So she gets a one-on-one date. She tells him that since she's from Tucson, she's not worried about snakes creeping in the grass. That seems unwise. When he asks about her snake tattoo, she says she is a snake because she too sheds her skin. Sounds like Allye's had some bad sunburns.
She goes on to share that her favorite movie is Snakes on a Plane and she's really great at using a drain snake to unclog a toilet. No word on whether this does anything for Nate's little snake, but he's glad he finally found someone to deal with his backed up toilet back at the house. Plumbers are expensive these days. He keeps Allye around, as well as all the other girls during elimination, just in case.
Ty
Erin on the Side of Caution
This guy. Ty has yet to say anything interesting or funny in conversation, yet all the girls are swooning over him. It's more a reflection on the dating scene than on him.
Melody, a nurse from Yonkers, is the first solo date. She repeatedly tells Ty how masculine he is compared to most of the men she meets. It's a fair point that most men these days are not cowboys, to say the least, but is Ty really that great? If we're being honest, traditional femininity is also at a low. There's a whole lot of angry shrews and not that much wife material. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Ty's not really interested in that discussion. Philosophical debate and multi-sentence speaking aren't really his thing. He just smiles a lot and waits for girls to compliment him. Melody is happy to fill the dead air, which earns her a kiss she didn't ask for. That’s one way to fill an awkward silence.
When the other girls arrive, we get the ceremonial poop shoveling scene. Melody shows up to the barn in sneakers and is not excited about cleaning up excrement - I bet she doesn't even know how to work a drain snake - but she looks hot, which is all Ty cares about.
Erin, on the other hand, is more than happy to be knee deep in horse manure. She even starts a turd snowball fight with Ty, throwing dry poop clumps at him and even one wet one. You would think this would be the way to a cowboy's heart, but apparently Ty doesn't enjoy being pelted with crap. Go figure.
After only one day on the farm, Ty decides to axe Erin. He cites a lack of spark, but that seems premature. My guess would be that compared to other girls, Erin was the least glamorous. Ty isn't a man of substance. He's looking for someone to drool over him. By being playful and modest, Erin didn't fit the bill.
She's gracious and says there are a lot of great women still vying for Ty's heart. Whether they've got a great man is debatable. Is it masculine to be a shallow dick?
Brandon
The Grim Reba
Over in potatoland, Brandon brings Reba back to his childhood home. Reba, who moved around a lot as a kid, is impressed by all the family photos and the multi-generation stability Brandon could offer her and her daughter. Dreaming of this happy future, Reba completely psychs herself out before their romantic dinner.
After being so cool during their speed date, Reba now sits across from Brandon and silently gawks at him as he tries to engage her. He asks her questions, and she says nothing, shooting him a crazy-eyes thousand mile stare. Even the heart-shaped potatoes cannot break Reba's steely gaze.
Most guys would be creeped out if their date tried to hypnotize them, but Brandon takes it in stride. He reassures Reba that she's justified in being nervous. Brandon may be understanding, but giving lunatic vibes on your first date is maybe not the best strategy. That's more a second date kind of thing.
The next morning, the other girls move in, and Reba dials up the crazy to 11. She's decided that after 24 hours, she now owns the farm and Brandon, and these other women are trespassing. She's basically an old guy on a porch yelling at kids to get off his lawn.
Reba especially doesn't like Joy, a striking x-ray tech from Florida whose hair looks like she was struck by lightning. She looks like she's wearing a wig and then two wigs on top of that wig. It's an '80s blowout on steroids. A bit aggressive for a potato farm, although if Brandon needs a scarecrow, Joy could be the one.
Joy further ups the ante when she turns up for potato sorting in a fuzzy bucket hat and ski goggles. People from Florida really don't know how to dress for cold weather.
It's still a more practical a getup than Brooklyn, who shows up with her Wolverine nails. She's a permanent makeup artist, so I was worried those things were surgically implanted. Nope. They're just clip-ons, and she pops them right off. Phew. I guess we'll have to wait to find out which part of her is cyborg.
Reba, on the other hand, has her claws out. She seethes as Joy flirts with Brandon. He doesn't mind the attention because he hasn't had a girlfriend since high school, at least according to his dad. Concerning. Did Brandon just get out of prison?
Back at the house, Reba is working herself up into a lather over Joy, who she labels the least authentic person she ever met. Joy is a bit extra, but Reba is extra extra, read all about it. She takes Brandon aside to try and get him to send Joy home.
After not being able to form two words the night before, Reba now tells Brandon that Joy is up his butt and that he needs to not think with his little head. Wow. That's a lot of body parts. Brandon retorts that he's only thinking with his heart. Touche. Reba then all but begs for a kiss and Brandon obliges, with all the other girls watching 10 feet away.
Dude. Brandon seemed like he could handle the estrogen tsunami around him, but caving to Reba and smooching her in front of the group is not cool. Unless it's all scripted, this is his first strike. It's Reba's tenth strike. She needs to go if she can't tone down her fatal attraction.
Is it even safe for Joy to sleep in the same house as Reba? If she wakes up with her head shaved and Reba sporting a new hairy poncho, don't say I didn't warn you.