After the first season's dismal results, Farmer Wants a Wife is back and acting like last year never happened. Host Jennifer Nettles announces to all the girls that this process works...internationally. 200+ marriages and 500+ children, but none in the US of A. #merica
That's fine. The debut season was like the first pancake - it always gets burned so you throw it away. But this year we're cooking with gas. Are or we just pouring more gas on the fire?
New farmers Ty, Mitch, Nathan, and Brandon have hopefully learned the lessons of those who went before them. Or not. It is reality TV after all. This week they are each speed-dating 8 girls to whittle them down to 5. We can only glean so much from these brief conversations, so the jury's still out on their potential.
If nothing else, the guys can't do worse than last season's Kissin' Ryan. He wasn't so much a charred pancake as a full-on grease fire that burns the whole house down. Also, he was always baked. The new guys can only do batter, I mean better.
Mitch, 27 - Knoxville, TN
Smooth as Tennessee Frisky
I don't trust this guy at all. Bad vibes. He's a first-generation farm owner who only recently bought his property. He has a doctor and financial advisor for brothers. Sounds like a crypto bro that hit it big.
Is he really looking to live the simple life, or is the farm just a bitcoin mine? Maybe he's got a meth lab on-site? The fact that he doesn't wear a cowboy hat like the other farmers is suspicious. Or authentic. Definitely one of the two.
Mitch doesn't help his reputation by the way he shamelessly flatters the girls one after the other. He interrupts Melanie to complement her eyes – she does have striking eyes – and yells after Sydney as she's leaving that she's beautiful. Dude, there's love bombing and then there's the blitzkreep. Chill.
22-year-old Jersey girl Sydney eats Mitch's rizz up. [Did I use 'rizz' correctly?] She hunts, fishes, and knows her way around heavy machinery. Hot! She'd be any farmer's dream girl. Mitch is impressed with her outdoor cred, and Sydney leaves their quickie date thinking she'll surely get the first 24-hour date.
She guesses wrong. That honor goes to Kiana. She's a confident, drop-dead gorgeous dog trainer from California. In fact, other than Sydney, all the girls Mitch picks are from the West Coast.
The final five are Sydney, Kiana, Melanie, Kait, and Brittany. Melanie is a bottle girl from Scottsdale – the new California - Kait is a “social media coordinator” from LA, and Brittany is a fish-lipped “model” from the Valley. Not exactly a promising roster.
Unless Mitch has already decided on Sydney and just picked the rest as decoys, this guy isn't serious. Or the casting director isn't serious. Probably both. We'll see if Mitch is actually a sheep in wolf's clothing, but it's not looking good. Watch out for those sharp teeth, Sydney.
Nathan, 23 – Bartow, FL
B.A.B.E. - Blonde and Blue Eyes
Nathan is a palate cleanser after greasy Mitch, but only because he says three words the whole episode. He's mostly nervous and awkward with the gals, which is cute. Worryingly, he mentions he hasn't dated in three years.
Red flag! When Gen Zers like Nate say they're not dating, it means they're just hooking up with randos. It's not like he's been celibate for three years. He just never sleeps with the same girl twice. That does not sound like someone who's looking for a wife.
Being that it's Day 1, we'll give him a little benefit of the doubt. He has the most chemistry with sweet Makenzie, who's a nurse with an eye toward being a stay-at-home mom. This is the only type of girl that should ever apply to this show.
Farming is not a 9-to-5. It’s a family business, so unless you're ready to put that first, stay home. Makenzie understands what she signed up for, and Nathan shows good judgment by picking her for the first date. Do not blow this, young man.
The other girls he picks are hairdressers Kristin and Taylor and marketers Allye and Rachel. He does not pick red herring Destiny, a black vegan with braids. Come on, FOX. At least be subtle with your diversity quotas.
We'll see if Nathan has any personality going forward, because we got none this week. So far, the most interesting thing about him is that he has a mole on his cheek. Speaking of moles, Happy Groundhog Day! Phil did not see his shadow, so it'll be an early spring. Here's hoping that means love blossoms for Nate and Makenzie.
Brandon, 29 – Center, CO
Spud Bob Square Pants
Now this is more like it. Brandon seems like the most genuine and well-intentioned of the farmers. Growing potatoes isn't exactly a pantie dropper, so he's really desperate for this to work. His small town doesn't even have a restaurant. Not even a McDonald's?? You better like mashed potatoes if you end up with Brandon.
Not only does Brandon seem more sincere than the other guys, he's the only one who can carry a conversation. It's almost like he's an adult. Shocking.
He talks with South Dakotan Reba about how hard it is to find love in a small town, lamenting that if you don't get married early, you're pretty much out of luck. Reba is blonde, native American, and a mother to a five-year-old. What a combo.
She also has a very distinct voice and mannerisms, definitely not a girly girl. She reminds me so much of someone famous, but I'm not sure who. I want to say Awkwafina, but that may just be because Awkwafina's voice reminded me of Miley Cyrus. Does Reba remind me of Miley Cyrus? It's going to bother me all season.
The funniest part is that Reba tells Brandon he can remember her name because it's “a beer” backwards. What? If she spelled it with two E's maybe. Also, there's a famous singer named Reba. Unnecessary mnemonic. Regardless, she gets the first date. Good on Brandon for picking someone atypical.
Brandon's other picks are Grace, Joy, Brooklyn with the witch nails, and Annellyse, the former Dolphins cheerleader and the only black girl picked to move on. Again, please stop embarrassing these girls, FOX. I know we live in a DEI world, but it's not fair to these women to use them as tokens only to be rejected.
Does anyone really think Brandon's ending up with Annellyse? Even Annellyse doesn't think that. It's okay. We don't all have to like the same things. A show about small-town farmers isn't going to attract the same demographic as Love & Hip Hop. How many white girls are on that show? Can't wait until next season when the farmers have to pick trannies in wheelchairs.
Ty, 71 – Sikestown, MO
Rope for the Picking
Ty may be the oldest farmer, but wisdom has not come with age. His speed dates are downright painful as it's not clear if he even speaks English. Trying to engage him is like drawing water from a stone.
His segment is so bad, the producers had to throw in a ringer for some excitement. Enter Christine, a real estate VP from Long Island. In her one-on-one, she playfully asks Ty what turns him on, and he basically has a nervous breakdown.
“I've never been asked that before.” Was his first marriage arranged? This guy has zero game. Just say ice cream for God's sake. She's not asking you to explain quantum physics.
Underwhelmed by Ty's inability to form a sentence, Christine takes off her heels and makes a run for it. Before she can make a clean getaway, the producers rope her in for a heartfelt goodbye. She tells Ty she has to go and she hopes he still finds love for her. A bit dramatic for a guy you knew all of ten minutes.
Christine is definitely that lady who hugs her waiter goodbye at Applebee's. She gives Ty a lock of her hair to remember her by and a handkerchief with her perfume. Ty says bye Felicia, because he doesn't even know Christine's name. See ya!
After escorting the crazy lady off premises, Ty goes back to staring blankly at his other dates. Relatively speaking, he hits it off with Melody, a nurse from Yonkers. She's Spanish and asks him about his roping career. Ty competes in the cattle lassoing event where he has to rope a calf's hind legs. So it's not only his tongue that's tied.
Melody lays it on so thick that she gets the first date. Upon landing in rural Missouri, she marvels at the strange spaceships dotting the landscape. Ty explains that those are silos. Xylophones? Asylums? Spyros? Melody has never heard the word 'silo' or seen a picture of one. Wow. Wait until she sees a cow. It's going to blow her mind.
The other four girls picked are Brooke, Amy, Erin, and Megan. They have hair and eyes and legs. That's all I know about them. If any of them knows what a silo is, she might just be the one.