Southern Charm Recap: Season 9 Episode 2
Exes and Hos
As episode 2 unfolds, suspicion builds around Austen and Taylor's close “friendship”. There's a certain suspension of disbelief as the group debates whether it's a big deal for a guy's best friend to become BFF with his ex right after they break up. Really??
For whatever reason, production was not content to build the season around this very juicy story, so they went out and hired speaking extras. Naomie didn't return. Venita and Leva are busy figuring out who they can call racist next. So the cavalry had to be called in.
Still, no matter how many day workers they bring in, this season will revolve around Shep and Austen. On a totally unrelated note, Sloppy Seconds would have been a great name for Austen's beer. Trop Hop sounds like a Dr. Seuss version of an STD, the kind you get from a hopping on a trop. Okay, maybe it's the perfect name.
Side Dicks
Besides dropping the Austen-Taylor bomb, this episode mainly functions as the rollout of the new regulars. It has the feel of a long-running sitcom bringing on a wise-cracking toddler to pump up the ratings. “You got it dude!” No, I don't got it dude. Why are these people on my TV?!
Apparently the labor market is really tight, because Bravo got some mangy scraps . These darn millennials refuse to come into the office, so Bravo settled for the only men in town willing to not work remote. Their names are Rod, Rodrigo, and Ringo (AKA JT). We're supposed to believe they're already friends with this guy or this gal, but their first talking episode makes you wonder if they're friends with anyone anywhere ever. And I thought Pringle was bad.
Rod is a guy who allegedly met Olivia in a bar, and they really hit it off. I'll believe it when I see the security cam feed. They go on an incredibly awkward date where Rod, who is Iranian, jokes that a passing tour bus is waving at all the white people and the one brown guy. Yeah, it's not a joke. It's the only reason you were hired. Didn't SCOTUS just ban affirmative action?
Clearly the script called for a kiss, so Rod bangs his lips into Olivia's while she's still talking and gives her what looks to be CPR. I guess they had to skip rehearsal that day. Maybe Craig can give Rod some of his pillows to practice on for next time. First Austen, now this guy. Olivia really, really wants to be on this show.
Next is Rodrigo, introduced as Austen's old friend. He's relatively harmless and only gets a few words in for now. He's also gay, so they can check off that box.
And then there's Ringo. Holy crap! The best way to describe him is as an asexual Pomeranian in Chinos. Yap yap yap. Ringo is a Zach Galifianakis character come to life. His plot for the season looks to revolve around whether he loses his virginity. Ringo is hoping Taylor is the one who takes his special flower. Spoiler alert: no way in hell.
As Ringo waits to become a real boy, he makes himself useful by yelling prompts at Shep and Austin in a bar. There's no conversation or flow with this guy, just screaming out inappropriate questions at guys he just met. Think the Soup Nazi with Tourette's. Watching the scene, there has to be someone off camera feeding Ringo his lines, probably his momager. They do the same with child actors who are too young to read. Can Ringo read?
“Shep, why didn't you marry Taylor? She's the perfect girl.” “Austen, are you in love with Taylor? What happened when she slept over your house?” “Craig, do you want nachos or fries?” The guy is a human MacGuffin, existing only to move along the script. You can't tell if he's seven-years-old or 48. He's an illusion and a cipher and a ghost. He's not just the president, he's also a member. He is everything and nothing. He is Ringo, but everyone calls him JT.
Night Kroller
Enough about those yahoos. Back to the main yahoo – Austen. You see, in Bravoland, you're not really best friends unless you're sleeping with each other's exes. It was pretty clear last season that Austen had designs on either Taylor or just sticking it to Shep. That's just what best friends do.
Flashback to last year: After Shep called Taylor a “f-ing idiot” at the egg toss, the group acted like he had waterboarded her. Naomie was ready to call 911. Austen was all too happy to trop hop on the narrative, pushing Taylor to break up with Shep on their subsequent shop hop. He even managed to force out some tears as he told Taylor she deserved better. Then he screamed at Shep in front of Taylor, accusing him of trying to control her. That's guy code for, “I'm here when you're done with this loser.”
Cut to post-break-up, and Austen has conveniently become Taylor's main shoulder to cry on. In a normal group of male friends, this would be grounds for a duel to the death, or at least a shoving match. In the Charm gang, this is grounds for a philosophical discussion. Is bro code a set of rules or just a continuous spectrum with fluid standards? Bros before codes or codes before bros? To bro or not to bro, that is the question.
Initially, Shep shrugs it off, claiming Austen is his way of keeping tabs on Taylor. That's a lie, but Shep then learns that Taylor spent the night at Austen's house after she was too drunk to get home. Even with a lifetime of pretending he doesn't care about anything, Shep finds this hard to swallow.
Austen also seems to be choking on something as he explains he didn't even know she was there until the next morning. Craig is sure Austen's lying because he looks down to his left, but that's because Ringo just peed on Austen's shoes. Bad dog! Austen really gets a frog in his throat when asked if he ever kissed Taylor. After a long panicked silence, he says of course he didn't. Moi?
Et Tu Bro-te
Shep goes into full denial mode, but Craig won't have it. He's been the third wheel in this brocycle for long enough, and he is not missing his chance to drive a wedge between Shep and Austen. He goads Shep into admitting he doesn't believe Austen's lukewarm denials, and that it bothers him.
It's clear Shep is struggling to pass any judgment on Austen after two decades of brushing off any judgment of his own behavior. Men like Shep can only live with themselves if they reflexively reject the very notions of right and wrong, yet here he is facing what he knows in his heart is wrong. It must feel like a psychotic break to him.
Beyond Shep's moral reckoning, there is the fact that Craig is right. This is a new low. Taylor was not some hookup. Shep loved her, was thinking of marrying her, and this is beyond the pale. Sure, it's not like Shep wouldn't do the exact same thing, but Austen was supposed to be a kinder gentler iteration of Shep. Now he's just a dumber blander iteration of Shep.
At least he's not Ringo, who is still tagging along. As Austen feels a cold wind blowing over from Shep's direction, he's happy to have Ringo by his side to pick on and humiliate. You're never the lowest man on the totem pole when Ringo's around. Rodrigo also shows up just to be ignored.
Strayed No Chaser
Unaware of all this drama is Taylor, who is too busy with her new job of being a door-to-door salesman. She's walking the streets of Charleston wearing a billboard hawking her snake oil brew – a canned drink called Day Chaser.
How did she get this plum new gig, you ask? Funnily enough, from Shep's friend. Nothing to see here. It's details like this that make you wonder if any of this is real. Does Taylor really have so little self-respect, or were the whole relationship and break-up just an act?
Anyway, skepticism aside, Taylor is making her first sales call at Leva's bar. She spends the whole pitch trying to get the can out of the display box, finally giving up. It seems to be some sort of drink version of an escape room. If you get the can out in under an hour, you win. Now that's a promotion.
After the show-and-tell, Taylor sits down with Leva to day drink their Day Chaser and recap Taylor's meltdown at Madison's party. Predictably, Taylor regrets her outburst. She retracts her cheating accusation against Paige, almost sounding like she got a cease and desist letter, and then goes back to harping on how little Shep cares.
By my math, this is all taking place around six months after the break-up. What exactly is Shep supposed to care about? Sounds like she was the one who ended things and that she thinks Shep is a cheating low-life. Why should he be anything but done with her?
It's still not clear what Taylor wants from Shep other than him to beg her to take him back. Does she even want him back? Is she sleeping with Austen to make him jealous?
Love Tool
Taylor still makes no mention of the Austen deal, but Madison, speaking separately with Venita, posits that Austen is in love with Taylor. It would make a difference if Austen sincerely wanted a future with Taylor and was not just whoring around, but that's a long shot.
Maybe five years ago, this would have been plausible, but nowadays Austen is a certified professional reality TV star, paid to hookup and party. The fact that he's moonlighting on Summer/Winter House makes it difficult to believe any of this is genuine.
Is there anyone to root for here? Craig is still here. Let's hope Paige really did cheat, so he can move onward and upward. Everyone else seems a lost cause.