And they all lived happily ever after. Or not. The farmers make their final choices this week and all go according to plan except Ty. Or did he go according to the plan too? With the three other guys picking exactly whom everyone thought they would, my sense is that FOX needed someone to spoil the party. Enter Ty.
In fact, it might explain why he was cast in the first place. FOX decided after last year that they needed another Ryan, because that was so great. I look forward to next season when they cast three normal ranchers and one ex-con with a face tattoo who's growing weed in his basement. Hey, he'd still be more of a farmer than Mitchell.
Brandon
Delusions of Candor
Brandon is first up, and we all knew he was picking Grace. The editors try to build up some drama by splicing the two girls' segments together, but it's more annoying than suspenseful.
Even Emerson isn't surprised by Brandon's choice, but she is definitely annoyed. I get the feeling Emerson has never been dumped in her life and she's not happy that this hick just ruined her streak. After Brandon tells her this is where the journey ends, Emerson's words are, “You're a great guy, bye”. So heartfelt. I don't know how she'll ever recover from this devastating heartbreak.
Brandon's rationale for rejecting Emerson is that they didn't build a deeper connection. That would imply he has one with Grace. Hmmm. Grace has definitely built a connection with Brandon, evidenced by her uncharacteristic emotion at the final ceremony. Whether Brandon has done the same with her is unclear.
He says he has, but Brandon's big closing is that he would like to see where this connection takes them. Contrast that with how expressive Brandon was when Joy left. Maybe this is just good old-fashioned cowboy stoicism, but Brandon cries more than his leaky sprinklers. His lack of visible excitement is not encouraging.
The strangest part is that Brandon and Grace don't even kiss once the choice is made. It's just another one of Brandon's hugs where he looks like he's trying to burp Grace after a bottle feeding.
For the record, Brandon does get emotional, but it's only once Grace starts dishing out praise for what a good man he is. He literally says, “compliments are good”. Sure, everyone wants to feel appreciated, but does this relationship have legs if Brandon only cares when he's being flattered? It's why he was so into Joy. Grace has too much self-respect to be a fangirl for life. Will Brandon love her simply for who she is?
My prediction for the reunion is that they will say they're still together, but only in the loosest sense. I doubt Grace has moved out to the farm, and I doubt even more Brandon wants her to. Maybe it will be one of those “we're figuring stuff out” deals where they've met up once or twice since filming wrapped and occasionally text each other heart emojis.
I'd love for them to prove me wrong, but it all feels empty, as empty as Brandon's giant suede blazer. I need to vent about this jacket. It is at least three sizes too big. The shoulders extend a foot beyond Brandon's real shoulders on either side. He literally says he's got a massive decision resting on his shoulders, but these are just massive shoulders resting on his shoulders.
Brandon looks like he's wearing a sandwich board, or like a little boy wearing his father's coat. I thought maybe it was actually his father's coat, but we see his dad Keith, and he isn't any bigger than Brandon.
Did Brandon order the jacket on Temu and not have time to return it when he saw it was wider than it was long? Jackets are not supposed to be square-shaped. The other explanation is that Brandon used to be really fat. We already know he doesn't eat potatoes, so maybe he's on some extreme diet. Whatever the reason, he looks ridiculous. Maybe just stick to vests.
In the end, Grace tells Brandon he's never getting rid of her. It's what his jacket would probably say too if it could speak. Brandon says he's excited to see what comes next and gives Grace a chummy side hug. No kiss. We'll have to wait until next week's reunion to know what that means. Let's just hope Grace takes Brandon shopping before it's all over.
Mitchell
An Embarrassment of Mitches
Well, I definitely got faked-out by last episode's preview. Ultimately, Mitch went the way we thought he should go the whole season. He picks Sydney, who wears a beautiful lacy white dress with pink bows. Wearing a pseudo-wedding gown tells you just how confident Sydney was in Mitch's decision. It makes you wonder if they had agreed on this outcome all along.
Before they can wax poetic about hunting and fishing and loving every day, Mitch has to give Kait the heave ho. Mitch tells her that she's a good listener and always asked him how he's doing, but he struggled with their connection. Yikes. So even when Mitch is dumping a girl, he makes it all about himself. Thank you for always acknowledging how smart and handsome I am, cooking me soup, and shaving my back, but I don't like you. Classic Mitch.
He doesn't have much more to offer to Sydney. I was really hoping Mitch would pull out his guitar again, but all he can muster is telling Sydney that he's been looking for a girl like her who shares his love of the outdoors. Good thing for Mitch, Sydney is too young and dumb to want anything more. Instead, she is content to project all the qualities she's looking for onto Mitch and embody them herself.
In some sort of bizarro-world inverted reality, Sydney tells Mitch that he's shown her what a real man is, one who will protect her, care for her, and put her first. Sydney, who the hell are you talking about?? Have you met Mitch? Sydney is the only real man in this relationship, and those are all the things she does for Mitch. In return, he hangs her out to dry, neglects her, and puts her dead last.
At least Sydney gets some passionate kisses for her trouble, unlike Grace. Mitch even lifts Sydney up and carries her off into the sunset. He may not be an actual man, but he does know how to play the part. How long before Sydney recognizes the difference? Sydney has grown up with a great example of what a true hard-working man looks like in her dad. Once the dust settles, the contrast should be stark.
Let’s assume that most of Sydney’s delusions are a result of youth, not stupidity. I know she loves hunting trips, but once she realizes Mitch is nothing but a Southern Walter Ditty Mitty, daydreaming about grand adventures but never achieving anything real, Sydney will hopefully move on. Some frogs are just frogs, not princes, and some frauds are just frauds, not prizes.
Ty
Misery Ain't Just a River in Missouri
Ty serves up the only twist of the finale by rejecting both Melody and Megan. He reasons that Melody is too city, and that Megan is not his forever person. Just in case you weren't sure Ty is a douchebag, he tells Megan their connection is nothing more than a friendship. Ouch.
Megan is visibly upset by this assertion. The last time she saw Ty, he was drooling over her short skirt and giving her googly eyes. If it wasn't for her dog with two names, Ty would have stuck his tongue down Megan's throat. But now he feels nothing more for her than he does for his fat friend Mika. Whatever. This is more about Ty's lack of vocabulary than any true representation of his thoughts. If he even has thoughts.
What I think really happened here is that the producers decided to manufacture some drama. This double whammy was not TY's idea. Ty doesn't have ideas. There's nothing but elevator music playing in that head.
Ty would have chosen Melody or Megan if the producers told him to. Sure, he would have dumped them a week later, but it's not like Ty has a problem lying for the cameras. How do you think he got on this show? When he says he initially thought he was open to children, he means he was happy to mouth the words if it got him on TV.
No, this was not Ty sticking it to the man, his Johnny Cash all-black outfit notwithstanding. Rather, this was a carefully orchestrated storyline enacted by production. My guess is that Ty was vacillating between the two women and some enterprising writer suggested he dump them both. Since nothing would make Ty happier than being single again, he was happy to oblige.
The only problem is that Ty is so dumb, he couldn't remember the script. He was supposed to tell Megan he didn't want to rob her of her chance at having children, but then Ty forgot how the line ends and started ad-libbing. Hence the friendship comment. After Megan leaves, Ty immediately revises that comment, no doubt again with the prompting of production. This time they must have given him cue cards - although that would mean Ty can read, which is not a given.
If this double-barrel offing was Ty's doing, he would have had to buck FOX's entire legal department. We have Ryan's example from the first season to tell us that wasn't an option. As with any reality TV show, all the participants sign contracts forcing them to finish out the filming period and abide by the show's basic format. It's why Nate had to fly to Tucson to meet Allye's family and why Mitch had to pretend he was a farmer.
If there's any justice, it's that Ty is such an idiot he didn't realize how much hate he'd get for this display. He got used just as much as he used the girls, so it all breaks even in the end. Still, the concern is that the show is trending in the way all reality TV shows trend, downward.
Once producers start manipulating characters and plots to purposely anger the audience, it never ends well. We're only going to get more Ty's in the future, not fewer. Well, we had a good run. Two years is a decade in reality TV, so I'll take it.
Nathan
His and Herds
I'm trying not to be a cranky curmudgeon here, but Nate choosing Taylor is so predictable I can't help but hate it. After quickly dispensing with Allye, Nate tells Taylor he is falling in love with her. Taylor says he's her best friend and that she too is falling in love with Nate. Cool.
I'm happy for them, allegedly, but they're so goddamn boring. They kiss about a hundred times afterwards, and it's a sad contrast with Brandon and Grace who kissed no times. If you were falling for someone and had to hold back all these weeks as you played FOX's silly game, wouldn't you be all over your chosen one like Nate is with Taylor? Of course you would.
Good for Nate for taking this all seriously and not getting distracted. He took the premise of the show to heart and made his mind up quickly. When you know you know. The only question is whether he and Taylor will be formally engaged on next week's reunion. I'm saying yes. That, or Nate proposes at the reunion for some extra cash.
The one revelation we did get is finally finding out how Nate would send a girl home. So far, all of his departed self-eliminated. Allye was the first girl he had to actually reject. The line he went with was, “I have to go in a different direction”. So HR. Then he validated Allye's parking, had her fill out an exit survey, and confiscated her ID card. Isn't it romantic?
Yeah. That's the problem. What part of this season was romantic? Even though Nate and Taylor were falling in love, we never got any genuine scenes that would tug at the heartstrings. We certainly didn't get that from anyone else that I can remember. Joy and Brandon had the most realistic interactions, but even those were limited at best.
Essentially, we just watched 13 weeks of produced set-ups and scripted conversations. I need some pay-off here, but all I'm getting is dead ends and a sure thing.
Will you be watching Season 3? I'm a maybe at the moment. At least the reunion should be good. They can't make that boring too, can they?? Don't fail us now, JNet. The whole season is resting on your shoulders. Do you want to borrow Brandon's jacket, just in case?