You call that a reunion?? These things are supposed to be the highlight of the season. Traditionally, reality TV reunions are where the audience finally gets to find out what really happened, beyond all the scripted artifice. FOX produced this thing like it was a face cream infomercial, animal hide decor notwithstanding.
The worst part was host JNet. My God. Way to make me appreciate Kevin Frazier and Andy Cohen. No wonder they never let her speak on the main show. It was like the episode was hosted by your chatty aunt who had a few too many glasses of box wine. So much cooing and oohing and awwing. Please stop talking. No one is here for you. This isn't a Sugarland concert at the Iowa county fair. Truly insufferable.
If it wasn't for Reba showing up, the whole thing would have been a wash. Most of the episode was a redundant recap - which I've already got covered – and softball questions. There was very little new information, and when anyone did say something interesting, JNet immediately cut them off to spout cheesy platitudes that belong on a pillow at Home Goods.
As long as JNet is in county fair mode, may I suggest carnival games next year? I would have much preferred watching Megan and Melody try to drown Ty in a dunk tank. Reba could have thrown water balloons at Brandon, and Kait could have sprayed Mitch with a water gun full of her famous chili. Now that would be a reunion.
Nathan
A Twerk in Progress
No proposal. Nate and Taylor are still together and in love, but she hasn't even moved to the farm yet. I'm not sure when the reunion was filmed, so it may have only been a month or two. Still, I thought these two would move at warp speed. When JNet creepily asks “has this farmer found a wife”, Nate gives a very non-committal “maybe in the future”. Perhaps he just wants to keep things private.
Other than that, we saw some self-filmed footage showing us how happy Nate and Taylor are together. The scenes featured Nate twerking, him and Taylor hunting in camo, and the two riding around the farm. Their video, along with the other couples' videos, are the only time the whole season we've seen anyone act like they were actually having fun.
Too bad that montage lasts all of 30 seconds. Then it was back to JNet telling everyone that she loves love and love is the answer. When Taylor describes Nate as a godly man who blesses her every meal, opens every door, and asks her to dance for every slow song, JNet writhes in ecstasy and practically howls at the moon. She's like a black church congregation trapped in a skinny white lady's body. She was this close to standing up and yelling Amen. No wonder Sugarland broke up.
Nothing more from these two. Good luck to them. They're a cute couple and I hope they make it, but I never want to see them again. Bye bye, bland blondes. God you were boring.
Ty
Dump and Dumper
Ty was more a whore than a bore. And a dirty liar too. When JNet asks why he rejected both Megan and Melody, he says he had to go with his gut. In his words, he'd “rather be honest”. Now that's funny. If Ty was honest, he wouldn't have done the show. He was never looking for a wife, just an ego charge. Once he got that, he was good.
Since Ty's such an egomaniac, he assumed production would be content to make the reunion all about him. It's why he's absolutely shocked when JNet brings out Melody and Megan. Either Ty is overacting or he's as dumb as he looks, but his jaw literally dropped when the girls walk in. Ty's more a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy. This love 'em and see 'em isn't really his jam.
After Ty's girls pretended he was a great guy all season, it’s nice to finally see some blowback, albeit mild blowback. First up is Megan. She is still salty about the friendship label and point-blank says she was hurt and blindsided. If Ty cared about anyone but himself, he might feel badly about that, but he is unmoved. He coldly says he should not have used that word, but doesn't offer an alternative.
In truth, 'friend' was probably too strong a word. The word Ty was really looking for was ‘groupie’. All he ever wanted from these women is to fawn over him on camera. Generally, I'd give him credit for not taking the chance to hook up with one of them. However, in Ty's case, it's more about avoiding the trouble of sleeping with anyone who expects anything of him. So negative credit.
After Megan's toothless rebuke, Melody chastises Ty for missing out on a good thing because he doesn't want kids “right now”. She deems it an excuse, and a weak one at that. Uh, close but no cigar. It is an excuse on some level, but the real reason is even worse. Ty's not looking for a good thing. He's looking for an easy thing. Children is the least problematic explanation. But still, bonus points to Melody for calling out Ty's BS.
He essentially confirms he's making it up as he goes when Melody adds that Lennon could have handled it. Maybe this is referencing a conversation we never saw on camera, but Ty responds that even though Lennon is “resilient”, it doesn't mean she doesn't “carry something away from that”. This is a new one. If Ty was really worried about affecting Lennon with a new relationship, then why do the show at all? And why put her on camera?
If the reunion had a real host, he or she would have asked Ty those questions. Instead, JNet thanks him for being so brave, and adds that it was an honor getting to watch a very real thing with real emotions. Jesus fucking Christ. What real emotions?? None of this was real. From Ty's intentions to his hair color, it was all fake. Stop handing out participation trophies, JNet. Where's Shaun Robinson when you need her?
Brandon
Abrandonment Issues
Now this was interesting. Out of all the farmers, Brandon was always the most entertaining because he has some depth and personality. In theory, that would make him and Grace a great match. She, too, was a cut above the other girls in terms of intellect and appeal. Sadly, it was not meant to be. We could see it coming in the last few episodes, but it's still a bummer.
Before Brandon and Grace reveal their fate, we're treated to another home video of their adventures after the finale. It includes a trip to a sand dune and playing pool. Noticeably, Brandon doesn't wear a cowboy hat in any of these tapes. Neither do the other guys in their videos. It's almost like FOX made them wear a Stetson for two months just for TV. Crazy, right?
According to Brandon, Grace stayed in Colorado after filming. They built castles in the sand, and did a dive bar tour across the state. The fact that Brandon keeps mentioning these dive bars is not a good sign. It's a dig, even if he says it endearingly. This constant reference clearly holds some negative connotations for him. I'm sure there's so much more to Grace, so it's odd that this is the only thing we ever hear about her.
Either way, it sounds like these few days in Colorado were as long as the “relationship” lasted. After spending just enough time together to film their contractually mandated footage, Brandon ended things. He says their friendship connection never developed into a romantic one, and unlike Ty, he doesn't walk back the term.
Grace is visibly emotional, tearing up as Brandon recounts their break-up. Still, she never betrays an ounce of resentment. A little less grace might have been appropriate in this moment, pun intended. Grace candidly admits her feelings were stronger and says they gave it their all.
There's a lot to unpack here. First off, they have sand dunes in Colorado?? Why weren't they featured on the Denver season of Married at First Sight? Secondly, even if Brandon's account is the truth, why did he have to disclose it on camera? Take Ty's lead and just mumble some nothingness about how you two just weren't right for each other. After making such a big deal about Grace's preference for the city and proximity to her family, why not use that as the rationale? Instead, Brandon went with the most callous version: I dumped her.
The worst part is that Grace probably approved this telling beforehand. Grace, being the decent and mature gem that she is, likely thought sharing the facts was the honorable thing to do. Except it's really nobody's business. She didn't owe us that. My sense is that if Grace asked Brandon to offer a more benign narrative, he would have obliged. She should have stood up for herself. But these Wisconsinites are way too nice, or they're drunk on cheap beer.
That Brandon didn't soften the account on his own reflects poorly on him. It's almost like he was still smarting from Joy's rejection and wanted to pay it forward. Hurt people hurt people. That sounds like something JNet would say.
While my impression during the season was that Brandon craves a girl who will flatter him, Grace appeared willing to indulge that instinct. After playing it cool most of her time on the farm, she did voice her serious intentions toward the end. Grace's tears at the reunion, plus her direct statements about her feelings, should have been enough to satiate Brandon.
That Brandon let her go so quickly speaks to something else. Since the depictions on the show are so surface level, it's hard to know exactly where the disconnect happened. It's a shame. I think both Brandon and Grace are catches in their own right, but relationships are complicated. I'll give Brandon the benefit of the doubt that it just wasn't there, unless they slept together first. In that case, he’s a piece of shit.
Altogether, Brandon dropped the ball. He won't soon find another girl that lovely willing to live on a potato farm in the middle of nowhere. Grace is a quality girl, and she deserves a man who appreciates how pretty, sweet, and smart she is. Just maybe don't talk about dive bars so much.
Mulch Ado About Nothing
Don't worry, I didn't forget about Reba. She shows up in a pink jacket with feathery sleeves, no pants, sparkly boots, and purple hair. It's Disco Barbie! Not as cool as Disco Stu, but it's definitely a look. Someone's trying to get Brandon back. The fact that she offers Brandon an unqualified apology right off the bat is clearly a sign that Reba's looking for a second chance. Too bad she's still Reba and still insane.
After saying she's sorry, Reba goes even further by acknowledging that her behavior on the show was a bit much. It's the biggest clue as to when the reunion was filmed. It sounds like by this point Reba saw herself on TV and read the online comments. There's no way she would be this reflective on her own. Reba left on episode 5, which aired in early March, so that's probably the timeline for the reunion filming.
Regardless, Reba says she's a work in progress and that she is embarrassed by how she acted. If it was someone else, you might be inclined to think she grew from the experience. But this is Reba. She will forever be a surly teenager with a chip on her shoulder. After throwing a few crumbs to her Reddit critics, she then takes some cheap shots at Brandon and Joy.
Reba remarks that she lost attraction to Brandon when she saw him flirting with Joy, and that she thought he'd figure things out sooner. When Brandon says Reba was right, she practically does cartwheels she gloats so hard. Luckily, her “dress” is too short for handstands, but she definitely thought about it.
As with Grace, this exchange reflects more poorly on Brandon than Reba. Reba is a nutcase, but Brandon is petty and mean for saying that Joy was “putting on a show” for the cameras. Is this the same Joy who passed up the chance to be in the final two and be a guest on the reunion? You know she was invited. If Joy was so desperate for airtime, why not take full advantage of her 15 minutes?
I brought it up before, but if Joy was lying to garner Brandon's affection, why be honest about her aloofness and traditional views of marriage? Both those revelations alienated Brandon, yet she shared them anyway. Joy may have not immediately known how she felt about Brandon, but that doesn't mean she's a phony. Not everyone falls madly in love on Day 1 like stalker Reba.
By Brandon and Reba's logic, Brandon is also a fraud. He strung Grace along only to tell her he saw her as nothing more than a friend. Do they realize what an own goal this is? No. They're too busy dunking on someone who isn't even there to defend herself. Maybe these two should be together. You dodged a bullet, Grace. Better a dive bar than dumpster diving with Brandon.
Mitchell
Better Laid Than Never
Speaking of trash heaps, Mitch is last and also least. He and Sydney are still together, unfortunately, and we get the video evidence to prove it. Again, nary a cowboy hat in sight. The self-filmed footage features Mitch's new utility vehicle he bought for the farm, a hunting trip, of course, and a beach vacation. That's a lot of expenditures for someone who makes zero dollars a year pretending to be a rancher.
I guess we're never finding out where all of Mitch's money came from. I'm not one to go digging up people's LinkedIn profiles, but I'm dying to know. My last and best guess is OnlyFans. Do guys use that site? How many pictures of his dong did Mitch have to sell to buy that new tractor? Does he dress it up in costumes? Does it dance or do magic tricks? What is the secret??
Whatever it is, Sydney is head-over-heels for Mitch. She says he makes her feel safe and calm. Sydney has said this before, and it is absolutely baffling. We saw no representation of it during the season. Instead, we saw Sydney protect and coddle Mitch without having the courtesy ever returned.
When JNet asks Sydney how she felt being the last date, Sydney again brushes it off, saying she was “happy to be last”. Well, if you expect nothing, you'll never be disappointed. Mitch will always put Sydney last, and if that's what the girl wants, then that's what she deserves. At the end of the day, you can't want more for someone than they want for themselves.
To crystallize the point, when asked when he knew he was falling for Sydney, Mitch repeats his prior remark that it was when he brought Natalie home. He commends Sydney for staying by his side at that time. Perfect. I hope Sydney loves being last when Mitch starts bringing other girls back to the cabin. I'm not sure if he's looking to go full sister wife or just a Tiger Woods situation. Mitch does live in the woods, but he's more pussycat than tiger.
He does dangle the potential for marriage, but only if Sydney proposes. It will be a Jesus in camo themed wedding, and all the guests have to bring their own food. And their own chairs. Hey, how else will Mitch know they really care about him? Also, cash only for gifts. Papa needs a brand new truck.
To top off the nonsense, Kait gets an invite to the reunion because Joy declined. Why she's there is just as confusing as why she was at Mitch's house for so long. Why is Kait? When they replay her comically awkward kiss with Mitch, it was yet another reminder that Kait was nothing more than a seat filler. At the reunion, she is literally filling a seat. I guess everyone has their calling.
Since Kait will say anything she's told to, she wistfully remembers Mitch's words to her in LA. She describes them as making her feel more “understood” than she ever has before. What?? Mitch literally told her she makes good stew and listens to him. Maybe understewed, but not understood. Are you high, Disco Stew? The man saw you as a maid and a nanny. Why do all of Mitch's girls have such low self-worth. Melanie won this group, hands down.
To wrap it all up, JNet gives a long soliloquy that I muted. She closes by pleading for an invitation if there are wedding bells, but what she really means is that she'd like to officiate the ceremony, lead the reception band, and maybe walk the bride down the aisle. Me, me, me, me!! Oh, that's just JNet warming up her vocal chords to sing the outro, but thankfully, the editors end the show right there. Not a moment too soon.
And that’s it. Phew. I barely made it. Thanks for hanging in until the bitter end. Seacrest out!