After weeks of stalling, the process has finally come down to the business end, with the farmers having to actually make some choices. This means hard eliminations for Landon and Hunter, and picking just the right jacket for Ryan and Allen.
All the ranchers make their first of two hometown visits this episode, with some acting as if they've never crossed state lines before. You'd think they were traveling to Calcutta, not Orlando. It's not that bad, guys.
After spending so long in isolation, with choreographed dates and chores, going home to meet the girls' families offers a much needed contrast.
All the issues that have been papered over for so long are finally addressed by the family and friends. That two adults couldn't have had these conversations on their own is mind-boggling. I guess they were too busy exploring “real life” on the farm to talk about actual real life. Reality is always an afterthought in reality TV.
Hunter
It's time for Hunter to finally face the music. After Meghan's return, there are two cuts to be made.
Devonne is the first and the most obvious. Hunter pulls a Landon and tells her he has to let her go because he can't be the person who cages her in. These guys spend way too much time around livestock enclosures. Not every home is a pen, and not every person is an animal looking to run free.
Devonne cries way too much upon getting the cowboy boot, only bolstering the suspicion that she is acting. Hunter barely said two words to her the whole time she was there. Her devastation is either fake or deranged.
After that, it comes down to Stephanie and Sydney. Stephanie has brown hair, so she goes home. Well that was easy. Unlike Devonne, Stephanie is too classy to cry. Hunter is not.
Once the cull is over, it's time for aspiring musician Hunter to head to Nashville to meet talent booker Sydney and her family. He shows up to a makeshift rooftop bar in his snazziest cowboy hat. Sydney does as well, paired with a tarp. She looks like she's about to rob a bank, or a Walgreen's.
Sydney introduces Hunter to her mother Tracy and another lady, whom I think she referred to as her mother's husband Scotty. What? That can't be right. It's seemingly a woman with long hair and makeup, but these days, who knows. Said person never says a word, maybe because its deep voice would make Hunter cry.
The drag queen story hour only gains credibility once Sydney's mother starts asking Hunter questions. Her main thrust is that Sydney, at 22, is too young to give up her career for love and children. Sounds like someone who has regrets. Maybe marrying a man who decided he was a woman soured her on marriage and family.
Having such a militant feminist for a mother should be disqualifying, but Hunter's kind of out of options because Meghan is all of 23. Neither is too young to start a family, but they may not know that, having been raised by shrews like Tracy. Apparently, booking bluegrass bands for county fairs is a pursuit too important to sacrifice for personal happiness.
Then again, Sydney could book Hunter's band, and their kids could play back-up. The Partridge Family made it work, so why can't they?
Recap: Children having children
Allen
After Cassidy Jo's departure, Allen is a brand new man. He's feeling so good, he decides to break out his longest, most ridiculous, tan jacket to meet Khelsi's family.
He looks like a saloon extra in a Yellowstone spin-off. He and Sydney could start an outlaw gang in these getups. I'm not even sure he's wearing pants. If Khelsi still wants Allen after this, it must be love.
Luckily, Khelsi's family is as sweet and easy-going as she is, and they overlook Allen's wardrobe faux pas. Sitting down for lunch with them in Columbus, GA, Allen fits right in. So much so, that Khelsi says he and her dad are two peas in a pod. More like two peas in that potato sack Allen calls a coat.
While her family is too nice to push any buttons, Khelsi's best friend Amanda does push Allen on whether he's truly over his ex-wife. Perhaps triggering his PTSD from Cassidy Jo, Allen forcefully answers that when he's done with someone, he's done. Allen's been through a lot. Amanda is satisfied and decrees he's the real deal.
After the lunch is declared a success, Allen and Khelsi take a walk and talk about nothing much. They have a natural chemistry and seem more loved up than ever. But not loved up enough for Allen to give Khelsi his jacket when she says she's cold. She's not getting her hands on that sweet hide until the wedding night.
Recap: Quiet Earp
Ryan
After being picked last for everything else, Sara Bandana gets the first hometown date. She lives in Dallas, but her family is LA-based, so Ryan gets to wear his cowboy hat out to the modern-day Wild West.
Sara's family owns a bar called Rocks & Roll, which already means she's way too cool for Ryan. Apparently Sara is not just some random bartender pouring flat beers. She's a pedigreed mixologist carrying on the family business.
Sara clearly gets her spunk from dad Doug, who immediately calls BS on Ryan. Literally. Ryan hands him a wood piece engraved with the letters B and S as a gift. What does it stand for? Sara Black? Bandana Sara? Banana Split? So many good answers, but Doug's is the best. Ryan is a BS artist, and we now have the proof. It's probably for Black Stables, but never mind that.
Doug goes on to tell Ryan that his daughter needs to be pursued. He warns Ryan that if he doesn't make the effort, she'll run. Why haven't we seen that Sara? All we've seen is the Sara who's content to wait in the wings as Ryan makes out with everyone but Jennifer Nettles. Let's hope the real Sara shows up soon.
In the meantime, her mom (name?) takes Ryan aside to the bar's backroom speakeasy to ask the tough questions. Sara's been sending feedback home, and her mom wants to know if Ryan is willing and able to connect with Sara's softer side.
That's news to Ryan. What's this softer side you speak of? Sounds like emotions. Ryan's favorite thing about Sara is that she's simple with no drama. He likes his women one-dimensional. One side is plenty.
For the sake of lip service – he's usually more into tongue service - Ryan promises to work on his vulnerability. Maybe that's something he needs to do on his own time.
Sara deserves better than this stunted runt. Literally. Every time she hugs him, the height difference is painfully awkward. She always has to contort her body around him to avoid getting motorboated. The cowboy hat isn't fooling anyone.
Ryan's short, but he can drain a basketball. Sara cements her cool girl status by taking Ryan to shoot a few hoops. She tells him to take his shot. He does. With his tongue, of course. Ryan's more interested in Sara's insides than her softer side.
Recap: Hard talk in the speakeasy
Landon
As Landon considers who to cut before the last dates, he lands on Zoe. His reasoning is that she's too fun, energetic, and lives by the seat of her pants. He says that when he's dated that type of girl in the past, it never works out.
Landon delivers the news in front of the other two Ashleys. Not sure how the pair should feel about that. It seems like he's saying he's looking for a simple girl with no personality or intellect. That's not a compliment, Ashley-dum and Ashley-dee. Fortunately, neither is bright enough to realize she just got insulted on camera.
Zoe's not stupid and questions Landon's rationale. Just because she has a brain and a sense of humor, it doesn't mean she's not ready to settle down.
Landon is obviously ready to settle down, or really just to settle, period. His explanation is that of a man who's looking for the path of least resistance. How pathetic. Is this really where he's at?
After Landon's white flag, he heads to Orlando to meet up with Aqua Ashley and her daughter Harper. Despite some nerves and the fact that he brought an 8-year-old a stuffed animal as a gift, things go well. Oddly, Harper is practically as tall as her mother.
Maybe it's gone unnoticed because she's been standing next to Featherweight Ashley all this time, but it turns out Candy Cane Ashley is tiny too. Does Landon have a type? Or a fetish? Was Zoe too tall? Her nose was higher than Landon's belly button. Disqualified.
While Peppermint Ashley swoons over Landon, her mother and sister are not as impressed. Mom Linda says he doesn't seem like he's ready to be a family man (ouch!), and sister Katy says all his answers are generic and insincere (double ouch!). They press him on whether he's in love, and Landon tap dances his way out of that minefield.
Remember that Gumby Ashley's family had to watch her have a kid with some guy who's obviously no longer around, so they're a little more circumspect about her taste in men. Her relatives may not have bright-colored hair, but they’re obviously the bright ones in this equation.
After the grilling, Landon and Neon Ashley have a little alone time where he tells her she's amazing, and she giggles like she's Harper age. Fittingly, the date ends with a forehead kiss, because Landon can't bend down any farther, and he's dating a child.
Tragically, before Landon can head to Dallas for Lilliput Ashley's date, his father passes away. For all the superficiality of the show, a sobering moment like this drives home the value of real and lasting relationships. Hopefully, a seismic event like this makes Landon realize that he should be looking for more in a wife than expediency. Kylie's still out there.
Recap: Heavy settle musing