This week sees the ranchers and their unpaid ranch hands go to a barn dance in Tallahassee. Some people go to Florida for the beaches and nightlife. Others go there for a mosquito-laden hoedown in the swamp. To each their own.
As planned by the producers, having the girls watch their farmers dance with other girls cranks up the drama, although it's mostly courtesy of Cassidy Jo. Aside from Hurricane Cassidy terrorizing the Sunshine State, Lily also ups the ante by calling a spade a spade, and calling Ryan a joker. #Facts.
There are kisses, and disses, and a dismissal of a would-be-missus, but the most interesting thing about the episode was that all the cowboys can dance, like they-could-teach-a-class dance. Clearly, there was a talent portion in the application process. But was there also a swimsuit competition? Was Allen's cowhide speedo the reason he got cast? It would explain a lot.
Ryan
Ryan's gonna Ryan, and this week he Ryans all over the dance floor. It's surprising he doesn't leave a trail of slime in his wake. Sarah is right there with him, and the two proceed to have a full make-out session on the dance floor, for all to see.
They're so public about it that the other farmers and their girls even notice. Hunter comments that “it's not my monkey, not my circus”. Well said, Hunter.
While Ryan deserves most of the scorn, his partner in slime, Sarah, also deserves criticism. It's not so much about showing the other girls respect, but about showing some respect for herself. She comes across as a slutty Tinder date DTF. I'm starting to think the H in Sarah stands for hussy.
Watching on the sidelines, Lily is not amused. She pointedly tells Sarah no more kissing. Sarah let's her know she's “got this”. If by 'this' she means Ryan's balls, then yes. If she means the prospect of a serious relationship, then that's a hard no.
Lily tells the cameras that between Ryan licking Sarah's tonsils tonight and calling Haley emotional when he sent her home, she's starting to wonder if Ryan is capable of progressing beyond physicality. Lily pulls Ryan aside to confront him, asking if he's in this for the right reasons. He murmurs something about being himself and doing it his way.
Whatever. He notes that he likes Lily because she challenges him, but lately all she does is challenge him. You get the sense that Ryan prefers easy-going girls. Sarah is easy, so no problem there.
And that leaves Sara V. Being a bartender, she's used to watered-down expectations and thus still finds Ryan attractive. She concludes from Haley's ousting that she's perfect for Ryan, because he doesn't like emotional girls and she's never been in love. Uh, interesting analysis.
Kudos to Sara V. for making limoncello out of this lemon. Ryan seems to like her circular logic and picks her for the final 1-on-1 date. Hope she got her rabies shot.
Recap: a Ryan tide lifts all lips
Hunter
A little boot scootin' boogie is all it takes for Hunter to forget Meghan and her dead grandpa. This is reality TV, after all. Last week's true love is this week's old news.
Hunter's miraculous recovery allows him to rediscover Sydney, from his first date. Together, they put on a slapstick routine on the dance floor. Sydney may be in the music business, but she is no dancer.
She awkwardly stumbles and mugs her way through her dance with Hunter, but always with a smile and a laugh. Sydney is fun, and it's good that Hunter is reminded of how much she brightens up any activity, even opening gates or hosing a tub. Also, her dress is super short and she looks hot.
So hot, that Sydney nabs three kisses, including one on the dance floor in front of everyone. Those count for extra credit. After being overlooked for Meghan for the last few weeks, she is riding high having recaptured Hunter's affections.
Not riding so high, although possibly still high, is Devonne. Sweet mystic Devonne from hippie town Sedona is still waiting on her turn with Hunter. Like most of us, she wonders why she's still here. Then again, Hunter's family revealed last week that he likes tall blondes. Devonne scores high marks on both, or she's just high.
Nevertheless, when Hunter take some time to talk to her alone, Devonne was probably expecting him to send her home. Instead, he lets her know he's still assessing his options and does want her to stay. So much so, in fact, that he picks her for his last date. He explains that he wants to see how their personalities line up.
While it's hard to see this boho princess lining up with Hunter's say-grace-before-dinner lifestyle, she can't be any less suited for him than sommelier Stephanie. What about Hunter says wine snob?
Regardless, the previews show Meghan returning next week, so Devonne and Stephanie should enjoy their last few days at the ranch while they can.
Recap: a honky barning love
Landon
Landon is still hiding out in his trailer, avoiding the scary ladies living in his house. Not sure what the eminent domain laws in Oklahoma are, but Landon might soon lose his deed if he keeps refusing to evict.
Still, he puts on his big-boy cowboy hat and makes the trip to Florida. Once again, Landon shows himself to be more than meets the eye. He is a confident dancer, assertively instructing the girls on the proper steps. He shares a few spins with Itty Bitty Ashley and regular-sized Zoe.
Junior Mint Ashley, with her perma-smile plastered on her face, is sure she has a connection with Landon because they exchange flirty looks back at the ranch. Maybe it's hard for her to see from that low a vantage point, but it doesn't seem like Landon is exchanging googly eyes with anyone.
Maybe Wee Ashley has been flirting with a stuffed scarecrow she mistook for Landon. With Landon's stoic nature, she could have been looking at a bale of hay. Or it really was Landon, and he was lovingly staring at her boobs.
Zoe is less delusional, but still hoping for the best. Landon is worried she may not be ready to settle down, while she's worried about the ten-year age gap. She's 25, he's 15. No, wait, he's 35. Then again, Zoe had mentioned that she's already been divorced. Was she a child bride?
In spite of her rodeo bitch-out a few weeks ago, Zoe and her sarcastic sense of humor are a welcome departure from the saccharine sweetness of the other girls. Credit to Landon for being able to appreciate her strong personality.
Zoe ultimately gets the coveted last date, but not before Landon does some housecleaning. Defying prediction, he opts to send Kylie home. Considering how well their axe-throwing date went, it's an actual shock exit, living up to reality TV hype.
Landon reasons that Kylie's career as a veteran affairs lobbyist is too important to sacrifice for life at the ranch, or at least that's his stated rationale. Just as he did with Nicole, Landon says all the right things, making it seem like he's cutting Kylie for her own good.
He's got his script ready, saying he can't “cage a bird that flies as high as you” and keeping her would be like “picking the wings off a butterfly”. Smooth Landon is back, and Kylie is teary-eyed but grateful for his selflessness. Hmmm.
While Landon claims he's too old to wait on Kylie's career, and her work is too valuable to abandon, one can't help but feel there are other reasons. Maybe it wasn't Kylie's work so much as how much she talked about her work.
Kylie has repeatedly brought up the fact that she testified before Congress, even when it's completely unrelated to the conversation. Clearly, her identity is wrapped up in the false prestige of asking politicians for money. Maybe Landon isn't a fan of government pork.
Taking care of veterans is a noble cause, but lobbying in DC is usually far less than noble. A pretty girl like Kylie may just be the Washington version of a pharma rep.
Landon probably would have been happier with a veterinary aide who could help with his animals than a veteran aide who will waste his taxes. OK is a long way from K Street, and Landon may want to keep it that way. Or he hates veterans, the bastard.
Recap: hubby lobby
Allen
Allen has survived Cassidy Jo another week. Every day that his corpse doesn't show up disemboweled in a creek is a win for Allen at this point.
The barn ball is one more chance for Cassidy Jo to have a meltdown, and she does not disappoint. Someone who sheds that many tears should probably not wear a pound of eyeliner. Then again, crying clown is a definite look.
As expected, Cassidy Jo starts stirring the pot early, telling the other girls Khelsi was essentially bragging about her kiss with Allen last week, and that Khelsi is just after Allen for the competition. Projecting much?
Khelsi's got her own fiction when she tells the girls she didn't have to beg for the kiss, even though she went crying to Allen after she heard he had kissed Cassidy Jo, pleading for reassurance. It wasn't Cassidy Jo-level pathetic, but she's no Rebecca.
Allen shows off his dance moves, and Cassidy Jo seethes as he twirls a beaming Khelsi around. Lily tells Cassidy Jo no more tears, just like she told Sarah no more kisses. Unlike kissy-face Sarah, Cassidy Jo heeds her words and holds back the waterworks, just barely. She lets her mouth do the whining instead.
In the end, this provides Cassidy Jo with one more excuse to kidnap Allen and force him to confess his undying devotion to her. Allen again relents. Whether he's into jealous psychopaths or he's being paid by FOX, Allen continues to keep Cassidy Jo around. Most likely, he's picturing her naked when he does, and her bounteous makeup smeared across his sheets.
FOX must be generous with their bribes, because Allen goes on to choose Cassidy Jo for the final date. Now it's Khelsi who fumes. And so the cycle goes on.
Next week, Khelsi will probably pull Allen aside to complain and get a patronizing kiss for her trouble. Then Cassidy Jo will cry. Allen keeps riding this hamster wheel, while Rebecca waits in the wings. Some men like living in a cage.
Recap: dunce with the one that brung ya