Chloe & Michael Recap, MAFS S17 E14

Married at Farce Sight

For tux' sake, what did I just watch?? Is any of this real anymore? These aren't bad matches; they're indentured servitude. Get X amount of money to sign your life away for 8 weeks. Chloe is a hired gun not a hopeless romantic. She's here to read her lines, smile for the cameras, and get paid.

There is no way in hell any woman would be as excited to see Michael's face as Chloe was at the wedding. His own mother was not that excited to meet him when he was born. If you turned the corner to see Osama Binary Laden standing at the end of the aisle, would you be grinning ear to ear? If you just made six figures, maybe.

If it was less than half a mil it was too little. That freak show will forever be your first husband. You're on camera saying you're attracted to him. Man, Chloe wasn't kidding when she said she adopts old dogs no one wants. Still, did you have to marry one?

Theatre Pan and Pinkerbell

You know the whole thing's a joke when Michael opts for a pink suit and Chloe chooses pink Chucks rather than heels. A mere coincidence, surely. Even if it is just a meddling stylist, it's a huge tip-off that production has left nothing to chance this time around. Chloe was chosen because she's a sure thing, no other reason.

When asked about his suit color, Mike explains that this time he's letting his freak flag fly, along with his red flag. Instead of a blushing bride, we have a groom in blush. Mike's groomsmen wonder if he considered a man-skirt, but he says he wouldn't want to scare the bride off.

Oh, so the pink suit and Kate Gosselin haircut won't scare her off? Yeah, not if you already know she's paid to say yes. It's now ‘say yes to the suit’, not the dress, and say yes to the underwhelming man inside that suit.

The pre-wedding footage is useful in reminding us how unappealing Michael is beyond his looks. All he talks about is finding a woman who will accept him, love him, and want to make him happy. What he will provide in return is unclear.

A middle-aged man who dresses like an emo Nick Kyrgios is not focused on other people. Michael needs the spotlight squarely on him. Everyone else is just a background dancer. The fakesperts may be eager to convince us that Mike is a great guy, but his words and clothes keep debunking that fiction.

Over in the bridal suite, Chloe's only fear is that her new husband won't love her as much she loves him. I mean, is she reading cue cards? MAFS brides are usually much more worried about whether they'll like their betrothed, not the other way around. Chloe's inverted fears are nothing but a script meant to convince us she's so pathetic she could be happy with Michael.

Her bridesmaid gives the game away when she reassures a panicked Chloe that she knows the experts matched her perfectly. Well, the bridesmaid dresses are pink, so I guess they got paid off too. At least Chloe takes care of her entourage.

Wedding for Godot

Finally, the moment of truth arrives. I was under the impression the wedding would not go through because human sacrifice is illegal in America. However, prostitution clearly is not. Chloe must have made a deal with the devil. She agrees to be the bride of Freakenstein in return for eternal life. She's marrying Count Dragula in return for everlasting youth. All the other saps on this show signed up for the base rate, so who's the real sucker?

As Chloe rounds the bend and sees Michael for the first time, she gets the same smile on her face that Lauren had when she laid eyes on Orion. On AfterParty, Chloe says that when she spotted the heart shaved into Michael's hair and his neck tattoos, her first thought was, “this man's got a story to tell”. I guess that's Albuquerque for “bless his heart”.

Chloe decides the best defense is offense, so she lays it on thick. She beams at Mike through out the nuptials and insists on holding his hands. She even grabs his face when they kiss, pretending to be thrilled to have her blood sucked from her veins. Afterwards, she tells the camera she's definitely attracted to Michael, especially his big beautiful heart. Wow. Give this girl the Oscar. This is what great acting looks like, Margot Robbie.

Even if Chloe did promise to go through with the marriage on penalty of death, she still could not have expected it to be this bad. How would you feel if your surprise husband turned out to be a Queers for Hamas sign come to life? There's a worst case scenario, and then there's Michael. Chloe's ability to grit her teeth and bear it is truly impressive, or psychotic.

Grooman Trafficking

For his part, Mikey does a nice job of not gloating. He must be in on the fix, but acts relieved that Chloe didn't run screaming into the night like his last bride. The tracking device implanted in her neck probably had nothing to do with it.

Since this marriage is just a bad Lifetime TV movie, Mike decides to right away tell Chloe about his initial rejection. It's in the script, so he's just reading his lines. Chloe takes it all in stride, although we only see one take.

She tells the camera she's glad she didn't know she was sloppy seconds beforehand, or she might have backed out of the process. Yet she has no qualms finding out right after she's legally locked in? Makes total sense. She opines that “what is meant for us will never pass us”. So profound.

Essentially, this whole conversation is orchestrated to validate the experts' choice to keep Chloe in the dark. Peps, Pips, and Pops can do no wrong, and now they have eyewitness testimony. At the reception, the other wives all assure her she and Mike were matched for a reason and opposites attract and marriage ain't for punks. Well done, ladies. You're no longer the bottom tier of the pyramid scheme.

Children of Meh

If Chloe and Michael were matched for a reason, it would be their disdain for children. Michael explains that he's agnostic about children – maybe they exist, maybe they don't. If his wife wanted them, he'd be onboard, but he'd rather be the only one coddled in this relationship.

Chloe rejects the thought of children altogether, citing the 450,000 children in foster care. Yeah, I'm sure being 39 has nothing to do with it.

Tellingly, on AfterParty, guest panelist and avowed racist Jemelle Hill commends Chloe for her stance. Jemelle adds that since she too got married later in life, she is forced to consider alternative family configurations. Being pro-adoption once you've run out of eggs is not a heroic posture. It's a matter of necessity. A lesbian couple going to a sperm bank is not valiant, they're expedient. Why do old hags always feel the need to lionize their sad life choices?

[Truth be told, it's for the best Jemelle's genes are not passed on. In fact, it's shameful that she's even on the show. Imagine a white supremacist being invited on AP to discuss their views on conflict resolution. Probably not going to happen, but Jemelanin has the red carpet rolled out. I guess hounding Kate Chastain on Below Deck wasn't enough race baiting for her. There's a reason Lauren can talk about her “culture” ad nauseum, but Emily and Brennan can only allude to their “values”. Either way, it's probably why Emily had the week off of AP, so at least there's a silver lining.]

Back on the show, Chloe and Mick settle in for their first night together. She wears her bathrobe to bed, a la Cameron. Unlike Cameron, she doesn't tell Mike to shut his yap so she can get some sleep. Miss that guy. Too bad he died.

Chloe shares with the camera that Michael is all she could have asked for. She says “he ticks every box - tick, tick, tick”. You know what comes after “tick, tick, tick”? Boom. It's only a matter of time before this bomb blows up in their face.

Hopefully it happens before Chloe has sex with Michael and turns him back into his natural state of a bloodthirsty vampire. It's what happened when Buffy had sex with Angel in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We've got enough problems right now. Let's please not tempt fate.

Check back tomorrow for the other couples' sad recaps.